Life Cycles X: Trust by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com) Category: MSR (marriage), MulderTorture, MulderAngst Rating: PG13 for most of it re: language, but there is one section that is NC17 for sexual content. The reader will be forewarned. Spoilers: Through season 4 Summary: An unexpected incident results in a trip back into Mulder's past, and the traumas he needs to face to make the return trip home to his family. Archive: Yes. Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully, as well as Maggie Scully, Bill & and Walter Skinner belong to 10/13 productions and Chris Carter. Nana, on the other hand, is mine. Since I have learned to play nice in the sandbox, I am only borrowing CC's characters and promise to return them at the end of the story. Honest. I promise. Believe me. Please, because I couldn’t afford to be sued on my salary. Introduction: This is the follow-up to "Life Cycles IX: Journey" by Susan Proto & Vickie Moseley. The stories are going in a chronological order, so for continuity's sake, especially regarding this one, you will want to read the others first, cause this one might throw you for a loop if you don't. Nana makes a repeat appearance, and if you haven't seen her introduction in LC: Under the Chuppah, you might want to check it out first. Then, by all means, check out LC: Journey, the story that the FANTASTIC Vickie Moseley and I collaborated on. All of the Life Cycles stories can be found on Shirley's MulderTorture Series and Sequels site at: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Dimension/3293/series.html Special Thanks: Once again to my cyber editor and friend, Vickie Moseley for checking it over and sending me encouragement and feedback. Thank you my friend, as I always trust your judgment. Please! Send feedback! I crave feedback! I need feedback! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Cycles X: Trust by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com) Part 1/10 He had managed to keep it all together up till that one point. The security guards kept checking in with the officer in charge. The officer in charge kept inundating him with questions. Meanwhile, he kept looking; he wanted to keep his eyes open, just in case he could see him. If anyone had seen him. It happened so fast. In the blink of an eye. He turned his head away for an instant. He swore it was only an instant, when he turned his head and suddenly didn't feel his small hand in his own any longer. "Adam?" he had called out. Then, when he could not set his sights on his eighteen month old son, he called out louder, "Adam?!" And then, when he was quite sure his son, his child, was nowhere to be found, he shouted, frantically this time, "ADAM! Where are you?" It was then that the security guard had come over to see what the ruckus was about. When he had explained that his baby, his son, was missing, the security guard picked up his walkie talkie and ordered all of the doors locked. The store would prevent anyone from leaving the premises until it could be determined that the child was, indeed, not in the store. A uniformed cop had appeared almost instantaneously. He was amazed, but then had realized the police usually arrived sooner than soon when a child was involved. The uniform had asked him all of the usual questions. "Your name, Sir?" the officer had asked. "Mulder. Fox Mulder," had been his reply. "Your wife's name?" he had asked. "Dana, Dana Scully-Mulder." "Child's name?" "Adam. Adam William Mulder," he had replied tremulously. "Age?" "Eighteen months. He's been walking since ten months. He's so fast. He was right here. I turned my head for a second. I swear, it was only a second," Mulder had lamented. "Yes, Sir. Mr. Mulder? What was Adam wearing?" the officer had said in a detached tone of voice. "Wearing? Clothes?" Mulder had responded, now somewhat dazed. At seeing the affirming nod from the cop, Mulder then described the toddler's clothing. "Navy blue denim overalls. Red, blue, green, yellow, and white striped polo shirt with a red collar and cuffs. White and blue Reebok sneakers with Velcro strap closures. Red socks. Red cardigan sweater," he informed. "I'm impressed, Mr. Mulder. I can't even remember what _I_ have on without looking," the officer had said with a slight smile. "Photographic memory. Comes in handy sometimes," Mulder had responded. "What about the child's physical features?" the officer then continued. Mulder had worked very hard to compose himself so he could give the correct information. His FBI training had become very apparent as he described his son. "Light brown hair, not too thick, but not really baby fine either. Cut in a normal, little boy style, with bangs. He's got bluish-green eyes. Kind of cross between his mother's and mine. He's got his mother's small nose, thank God. He's got my smile though." "Okay Mr. Mulder, just hang tight. Do you want to call your wife?" the officer had asked. "She's in the store somewhere. She wanted a chance to buy my present. My birthday's coming up in a couple of weeks, and she didn't want to have to deal with Adam while she searched for it," Mulder had explained. "Why don't we page her then," he had answered and then turned to one of the security guards milling about. "Would you please Mrs. Mulder over the public address system. Apparently she's in the store. Hell, she may even have the baby. You never know." The next thing Mulder had heard was **Mrs. Dana Scully-Mulder to the security office, please. Mrs. Dana Scully-Mulder to the security office, please." It had taken a little less than twenty minutes before Mulder had heard his wife's voice. "Mulder? Mulder? What's going on? They told me Adam is missing. Mulder? He's with you, isn't he? Mulder? Fox? Please, tell me what's going on," she had rambled on anxiously. "Dane? I had his hand in mine. I turned my head for a second. I swear, it was only a second, and the next thing I know , I don't feel his hand in mine anymore. I looked over to where he was supposed to be and he wasn't there. I swear, Dane, I looked away only a second. I started calling for him, but he didn't answer me. The security guard came over almost immediately and ordered a lock down of the store. If he's still in the store, Dane they'll find him. I swear, we'll find him." He had been understandably upset throughout the entire ordeal. After all, his young toddler son was missing. Mulder had been, however, holding it together enough to give the necessary information to the security officers and the uniformed cops in order to best equip them to find his son. Until she had allowed her anxiety and fear get the better of her. Until she had said the words that had haunted him for so many years. And said them in a way that was all too familiar to his ears. "Fox! How could you lose him? How could you lose my baby?" It was at that moment that Mulder flashed back to another time when he was accused of losing someone's baby. Mulder's facial expression literally crumbled before everyone's eyes. His pupils became dilated, and his lips began to tremble. As she stood there, and looked at him with an accusatory glare, he looked back and found himself unable to visually focus on her. He also could no longer understand what she was now saying either. All he could hear, over and over, was *You lost my baby. How could you lose my baby!* And all he could see was the face of a young woman with long dark hair, who wore an expression of anger and hurt and fear, and then that face became Dana's and then it melted back into that of his own mother's. Mulder's body swayed at this point and then, like his face, his whole body crumpled before them. He found himself, out of self-preservation just like that night so many years ago, curl himself up into a tight ball and withdraw into himself. He found himself going deeper and deeper. He had to escape the accusations. He had to escaped the anger. He had to escape the truth. He lost his sister. He lost his son. The security guard moved quickly in an attempt to break the fall of the tall, bereft father, while the police officer took the arm of the mother in an attempt to calm her down. "Mrs. Mulder, kids do this. They slip out of our hands and wander off. I'm sure that's what happened here. Don't blame your husband, Ma'am. He's real upset by this too, you know." "Oh God, I just want my baby. Please, bring me back my baby," she cried. Meanwhile, the security guard was trying to comfort Mulder, but found he was not succeeding. "Sir? Mr. Mulder? Are you okay?" the guard asked. Upon receiving very little in the way of a response, he repeated his question while physically drawing the man's face toward him. "Mr. Mulder? Mr. Mulder, can you speak?" When he received no response, the guard looked over to one of the other men and stated, "Hey Johnson? Come here for a minute. I don't like the looks of this. This guy was fine five minutes ago, and now I can't get him to talk or look at me. Something's not right here." Johnson walked over and took a look at the missing child's father and saw him go into what appeared to be a mild seizure. "Just roll him onto his side and let him ride it out. It's probably stress related, you know?" While the two security guards played doctor, the real MD in the crowd was too busy looking in her purse for pictures of her son to notice her husband was in obvious physical distress. She was in an all too human state of panic, because she knew the greater the amount of time that passed, the less likely the victim would be found alive. Scully now berated herself for leaving the baby with Mulder. She berated herself for not having a more up to date picture on her person. She berated herself for not being a better mother. She ranted and railed on about everything important and about nothing important. All she wanted was her child back, safe and sound. "We got him!" someone suddenly shouted. "We found him! He was hiding in the men's dressing room. We found him!" A tall burly man in uniform bounded towards the anxious crowd, looking somewhat awkward carrying a small child wearing a red cardigan and blue jean overalls. When he saw his mother, he began to cry out, "Mommy! Mommy!" Dana looked up and couldn't believe her eyes. "Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Adam! Oh, Adam," she repeated over and over again, as she took the little boy who nestled right into her neck. "Oh sweetheart, you scared me so. Are you okay? Oh my sweet little boy. Oh, Adam, oh Adam." The security guard, Allan Brighton was his name, that had first noticed Mulder falling to the floor, leaned over to make sure that Mulder knew his son had been found. "Hey, Mr. Mulder. Adam's okay. They found him and he's just fine. He wandered into the men's dressing room and was hiding, but he's here right now. Your wife's got him in her arms right now. Mr. Mulder? Hey, Mr. Mulder? Are you okay?" Brighton looked more closely at the man who was now curled up in a ball, and though Brighton had no more than two years at a local community college, he knew you didn't need a medical degree to realize something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong indeed. "Mrs. Mulder?" Brighton called out loudly in an attempt to catch her attention. "Mrs. Mulder, please. I think something's wrong with your husband." Dana was jerked out of her revelry when the security guard said something was wrong with her husband. "Mulder? What? What's wrong?" "He's not talking to anyone. He's not responding, ma'am. But I don't think he's unconscious. Please, ma'am. I think we'd better call for an ambulance," he said tentatively. Dana knelt down next to her husband and saw he was definitely not responding to any stimuli. Even Adam, who now playfully pulled on Mulder's jacket and arm and then even his hair, could not get a reaction from him. "Oh my God," Dana gasped. "Mulder, where are you?" End of part 1/10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Cycles X: Trust by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com) Disclaimers in Part 1 Part 2/10 As she watched her husband lifted up onto the gurney, Dana Scully-Mulder held their son, Adam, and murmured over and over, "It's going to be fine, it's going to be just fine." Anyone watching her would have thought she was whispering the mantra for the benefit of the eighteen month old child she held in her arms, or for the patient himself. In reality, it was for herself. She realized, as Mulder disappeared into the ambulance, that it was because of her he was in the condition he was in. *How could I have been so unthinking?* she admonished herself silently. *How could I have said that to him?* she chided herself mutely. *How could I have been so cruel to have even thought he could have__,* she berated herself before she was interrupted by the EMT. "Mrs. Mulder? We're going to Georgetown University Hospital, so if we lose you, you'll know where to find us," he said. "No! I want to go with you in the ambulance," Scully argued. "Ma'am, it wouldn't be safe for the baby. We'll be traveling at a fairly good clip, and we don't have any provisions for child safety seats. Please, follow us with the baby safely in his car seat." Scully looked down at Adam and realized the EMT was absolutely correct, but it disturbed her that Mulder would be traveling to the hospital without her inside the ambulance while en route. She worried that he might wake up from his ___, from his ___. Scully wasn't even sure what it was exactly he might awake from. Was it a psychotic state? Was it Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome? Was it simply a state of shock at the notion that his son was missing? Was he physically not feeling well and collapsed from discomfort? What was she going to find when she met her husband in the emergency room? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As she shifted Adam's weight from one hip to the other, she simultaniously moved the phone from one ear to the other too. She listened to the ringing at the other end with more and more distress, as she realized it was more and more likely that there was no one at the other end to pick up. "Damn it," she responded to the prerecorded message of the answering machine. **You have reached the Scully home. I'm sorry we can't get to the phone right now, but please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. BEEEEEP.** As Scully listened to the message she mused to herself about how her mom recorded the message using the plural pronoun instead of the singular. She wondered if it were intentional to act as a safeguard against the crazies of the world who prey upon single women, or if she still considered her family unit as a part of that house. She suspected it was most likely the latter. "Mom, it's Dana. I need your help. Please," her voice broke a little at this point. She took a deep breath and continued, "I need you to come get Adam at Georgetown University Hospital. We're in the emergency room. Please, come as _____." "__Dana? Dana is that you?" asked the anxious male voice. "Bill?" Dana questioned with surprise. "Yeah, it's me. What's going on?" he asked. "Bill, where's Mom?" she asked with a hint of desperation in her voice. "According to the note she left me, she's out with Walter Skinner. Mom knew I was flying in tonight, but neither one of us was sure what time I'd be in, but since I had a key, she knew she didn't have to stay home waiting for me. "Dana," Bill continued, "what's going on? Why are you at the hospital? Are you okay?" "I'm fine," she said in a monotone. "It's Fox. He collapsed at the mall and was brought here by ambulance." "Collapsed? Dana, how? Why?" Bill started to query, but Dana cut him off. "Bill, I don't want to go into it over the phone. You said Mom was out with Walter? I'll call him on his cell. I'll speak to you later." Dana hung up on her older brother, as she hadn't wanted to discuss Mulder's problems with him. Her relationship with her older brother remained somewhat tenuous ever since he and two old high school acquaintances got so drunk that all of them lost all sense of reason and nearly beat Mulder to death. Her husband refused to press charges against Bill, as he hadn't wanted to cause his mother in law and the rest of the Scully family, _his_ family, any undue stress. Dana was adamantly opposed to dropping the charges, but acquiesced to her husband's wishes because _he'd_ been through so much trauma already, that she didn't want to seemingly punish him anymore. Besides, Bill actually helped Mulder through a hellish hypertension episode, so Dana felt there was some hope for him after all. But, things never quite got back to normal. Their relationship remained tenuous at best, and Mulder and Bill never did connect again in the same way they had while Mulder was in the hospital. So discussing Mulder's condition and the reasons that precipitated his need to go to the hospital was not an option in Scully's mind. Maggie Scully and Walter Skinner were another story. As she dialed Walter Skinner's cell, she prayed she was not interrupting anything that could prove too embarrassing later. Adam, meanwhile, started squirming around making it difficult for Dana to maintain a good hold on him. As she awkwardly lowered him to the floor, she prayed she would hear ringing and not a message relaying the fact that the cell was not in service at this time. She heard ringing and then heard the low, baritone voice of her boss and of her mother's significant other. "Walter, it's Dana," she responded. "I'm sorry to bother you." "It's Dana," she heard him say to her mother. "Do you need to talk to me or your mother?" he asked directly to Scully. "My mom_, please_,"she replied with a definite hitch in her voice. "Maggie, she needs you," Scully heard him say urgently. At that very moment, she realized how much she actually appreciated Walter Skinner. "Dana? Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Maggie asked anxiously. "Mom? Mom, I need you to come get Adam. I'm sorry if I'm ruining your date. Oh God, tell Walter I'm sorry too, but I don't want to have to deal with Adam while I'm waiting to find out about Mulder__," she began. "Dana, where are you? What about Fox?" Maggie asked all in a rush. "Georgetown University Hospital. Fox collapsed at the mall today, and he was brought by ambulance to the ER," she explained in a relatively even voice. She was attempting to go into doctor mode, in an effort to detach herself from the situation so she might actually explain to her mother what had happened. "Collapsed? Oh my God, Dana! Not his heart, is it?" Maggie exclaimed, remembering all too well how her own beloved Captain collapsed and died from a fatal heart attack not all that long ago. "No, Mom. It's not a heart attack. It's hard to explain_," she began, wondering how the hell she was going to explain the fact that it was _she_ that caused his collapse because for all of her supposed intelligence, she had the common sense and compassion of a newt. Just then, Dana saw one of the ER physicians walking toward her. "Mom, the doctor's finally coming to talk to me. Please, would you come down to get Adam? He's getting so fidgety," she elaborated. "We're dining nearby, Sweetheart. We'll be there in about fifteen minutes," Maggie replied. "Thanks, Mom, and tell Walter thanks for me." With that she hung up and looked toward the nearing doctor. "Mrs. Mulder?" he asked. "How is he?" she asked without hesitation. "He's still in what appears to be a catatonic like state, Mrs. Mulder. We're getting ready to admit him to psych," he replied. "No! Wait, please. Is there anyway you can avoid psych?" she asked desperately. "Ma'am, I wouldn't know where else to send him in the condition he's in." "Well, couldn't you just admit him to a regular hospital room on a medical floor?" she asked. "Mrs. Mulder, didn't you hear me? Your husband is in a catatonic like state. He needs specialized treatment," he emphasized. Dana looked at the doctor with a feeling of desperation. If Mulder were admitted to the Psych ward, there was a very real possibility that it could effect any attempt to return to Field Agent status when he recovered. *When he recovered,* she thought to herself. *He will recover, he will recover, he will recover__.* "Mrs. Mulder? Mrs. Mulder? Please, we need you to fill out some forms," the doctor said. "No psych ward," Dana said firmly. "Until we're absolutely sure that drastic of a step is warranted, no psych ward. Please, understand, Doctor. I do not mean to trivialize my husband's condition nor your opinion of his condition. "Do you know what he does for a living, Doctor?" she continued. "He's some kind of police officer, isn't he?" he responded. "He a Special Agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I am too. We're both FBI agents, Doctor. If he were to be admitted to the psychiatric ward, and that information went into the wrong hands, it could effect his field agent status," she answered. "But Mrs. Mulder, if that is what he needs to recover__," the doctor began. "__If," she interrupted. "That's the operative word here, isn't it? __If__ that's what he needs to recover. Wouldn't it be possible to treat him off of the psych ward? Please. It could mean the difference between being forced into something he shouldn't be forced into doing and having his career back. Please," she pleaded as she reached down to pick up Adam once again. The doctor looked at the earnest expression on her face and then turned to see the hazel eyed toddler clinging to her neck. He saw in this child's eyes the expressiveness that was missing from the empty look his father's eyes showed. There was person behind those empty eyes, with a life and a family, and if there was anything he could do to make coming back to that life more expedient he wanted to do it. But, if that expediency meant ripping the rug from underneath them all and taking the life, as they knew it, away from them, then what was the rush? "Okay Mrs. Mulder, we'll try it your way for a couple of days, but if there is any change for the worse then he is immediately moved to psych, all right?" he offered. "Yes. Thank you, Doctor. Thank you for understanding," Scully replied. "I still need you to fill out about a million forms, Mrs. Mulder," the doctor said. "As soon as my mother arrives to pick up Adam, I'll be available for forms. But first, I would like Adam to see his daddy before he leaves with his grandma." Dana began moving toward the small examination room, when she heard the doctor call out to her. "Mrs. Mulder, do you think that's wise? For the baby to see his father like this, I mean?" he asked. "Doctor, he's his father. He has to know that the man lying in there is his father and that he loves him no matter what." And with that, Dana Scully-Mulder walked straight into the examining room that held her husband's unresponsive body. End of part 2/10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Cycles X: Trust by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com) Part 3/10 She gasped when she entered the room. She didn't know what to expect, but she certainly hadn't expected this. Her husband, her intelligent, strong, stubborn, handsome, inquisitive husband, laid before her curled up in a fetal position with his eyes wide open but seeing nothing. Dana was frightened. She was more frightened at the sight of him today than the last time he was hospitalized when he suffered the bruises and gashes and swollen eyes and stitches and even the damned internal bleeding of his kidney. Those were visible hurts. Those were wounds that could be healed with a band aid or an aspirin or shot of antibiotics. How would she be able to heal a hurt that can't be seen? How would she be able to help her husband overcome this latest trauma? A trauma caused by her own unthinking, unfeeling, foolish mouth. She walked up to her husband's side and gently touched his cheek. Dana found it more and more difficult to see as tears began to fall down her cheeks in earnest. "Da_, Da_," called out Adam, as he tried in vain to reach over to his father. Scully shifted the child's weight on her hip so that he was able to lean forward and give Mulder a kiss. Finally, she didn't have the strength to hold onto the squirming little body any longer, and she gently laid the brown haired child in the bed with his father. "Da_," Adam said softly, as he gently touched his father's cheek. Scully watched the scene unfold and wondered what she could do to bring Adam's father back to him. The guilt she felt began to weigh very heavily on her as she recalled the words she spat at him earlier that day. *Fox! How could you lose him? How could you lose my baby?* "Oh God, Fox. I didn't mean it. Please, you have to believe me, I didn't mean it," she cried out. After several moments passed, Dana took a deep breath and sighed, "We Scully's are just not good for your health, are we sweetheart?" "You don't really believe that, mine shayner maydelah, do you?" asked the softly accented voice. "Of course I believe it," Dana responded automatically. "The last time he was in the hospital it was because of my brother, and now__, now, it's because of me," she confessed plaintively. "No maydelah, it's not because of you. You mustn't blame yourself," the soft voice comforted. "But__," Dana paused to look up and see from whom the familiar voice was coming from. "Oh my God. Nana?" she asked incredulously. "Nu? Who else would be able to sneak in here without the doctors noticing me?" Nana retorted. "Oh Nana, help me. Please, bring him back to me," Dana cried out, and with that the elderly figure rose and walked over to put her arms around the younger woman. "Shhh, shhh, he'll be fine. It will take some time, but he will be fine," Nana said. "Nana, please, do something for him now. Please, we've got to bring him back," Dana pleaded. "Dana, sweet girl, listen to Nana. It took a long time for him to get to this point. We have to give him some time to heal. Just know, it's not your fault, sweet thing. It was bound to happen sooner or later, and it just so happens that the time for it to happen was now. It doesn't make it feel any better, but you must understand that anyone, or anything, could have triggered this." "Nana," Dana whispered, "I'm scared. I'm scared he won't come back. I'm scared he won't want to come back to us." "You know, he may think it would be easier to stay where he is. But, mine shayner maydelah, that's why Nana is here. To make sure that doesn't happen," she replied confidently. Nana heard the footsteps first, but Dana was the one to verbally acknowledge them. When she looked up and turned around she saw her mother and Walter in the doorway. "Mom?" Dana called out plaintively. "Oh sweetheart, I'm here. We're here," she answered as she hurried over to where her daughter stood. She enveloped her into her arms and Dana felt her safety net was with her again. Walter stood very close to the two of them, and Dana reached out to grab hold of Walter's hand. He clutched hers firmly in return in an attempt to show her he was there for her and Mulder as well. Finally, Dana looked over at the shadowy figure by the head of Mulder's bed and spoke. "Mom? Walter? Can you see who is here?" Dana asked tentatively. "Who is here__?" Maggie echoed as she raised her head to look around the room. She saw her beautiful grandson crawling around the inert body of his daddy, trying in vain to rouse him. She looked behind her and saw Walter, the man that had become a very important part of her life in the last few years. They were not, however, who her daughter was talking about, of that she was sure. Maggie turned her head a shade to her left and saw the quick movement. Suddenly, before her materialized the beautiful silver grey hair which was pulled back into a beautifully intricate french braid. The simple, yet surprisingly stylish, black dress which draped comfortably on her, not too big, not too small. Then there were the shoes, a pair of black, soft leather, lace-ups, which were her one concession to her advanced age. "Nana," Maggie acknowledged with a smile. Walter looked over with a knowing smile as well, for he too saw the loving grandmother from Fox Mulder's past. Walter voiced everyone's feelings. "You're here to help Fox." It was a statement, not a question. "Nu, why else would I be here? Except maybe to finally meet my beauty-ful great grandson?" Nana asked, beaming. Dana smiled for the first time in about two hours. Nana's endearing way of pronouncing the word 'beautiful' was always something that caused Mulder to break out into an enormous grin. She knew he loved his grandmother, his Nana, very much, and if anyone could lead him on the journey back to her, she could. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They had only just moved him into the private room about forty minutes ago when an attendant arrived to inform them they were taking Mulder down for a CAT scan. Though both Maggie and Walter wanted to stay with her, Scully told them to take the now very cranky Adam home with them and she would call them as soon as she had any word on the test results. They in turn informed her they would be back in shifts to wait with her. Scully felt Nana's presence walking beside her as they accompanied Mulder on the elevator trip to the floor where he would undergo the CAT scan. "This will not be easy for him, you know," Nana said softly. "What do you mean, Nana?" Scully whispered back. To anyone watching the young woman they would have imagined her whispering barely audible words of prayer or encouragement to her husband. "He's escaped to a place that is safe for him right now. In order to help him come back to you in the here and now, he's going to have to leave that safe place. Dana, he's going to have to revisit the fears and the reasons behind those fears before he can return to you and Adam," she explained sincerely. "Nana, I don't understand. What do you mean visit the reasons behind the fear?" Dana asked anxiously. "Shayner Maydelah, he needs to understand what triggers his fears that make him need to go into the safe part of his heart and mind, before he can leave it forever behind," Nana replied patiently. "Ohmigod," Dana said, her hands beginning to tremble in reaction to the real meaning behind Nana's words. "He's going to relive whatever it was he tried to escape from. He's going to relive it all over again." "Yes, sweet girl. He needs to relive it. All of it. All over again, and it will be very hard for him, but it will be very hard for you too. You are going to feel extremely helpless in not being able to help him escape the pain. But that's the point maydelah, he needs to feel the pain again so that he can learn that it is a pain from the past and can no longer harm him. "Will you be strong enough to help him get past the pain without breaking down yourself, Dana?" she asked in all seriousness. "I'm strong, Nana. I'll be as strong as Mulder needs me to be," Scully answered in kind. The older woman placed her hand gently on the pale cheek of her grand-daughter-in-law. It was wonderful that Dana was able to feel the energy of the long deceased woman who managed to help her grandson when he was in a serious crisis. It was equally remarkable that the old woman was able to feel the warmth and energy emanating from the younger one. *It feels good to touch and be touched,* thought both women. "I need to go," Nana said. "But they're getting ready to do the CAT scan, Nana," Dana responded in a surprised voice. "I know, dear. That's precisely why I need to go. I need to be there for him. He's going to need someone, and you can't go where he is right now," explained Nana. "Take care of him, Nana," was all Dana could say. "We'll both take care of him, sweet girl. We both will," she replied and within an instant she was gone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It's time to begin the first round of tests. Do you understand young man?" the tall, round faced, Asian man asked. "I don't want to take no tests. Let me go," the pre-teen growled angrily as he strained against the wrist and ankle straps that bound his limbs to the narrow gurney. As he thrashed about he felt three additional straps fastened around him. The first was affixed around his forehead which prevented him from lifting his head up and down or from side to side. The other two were brought across his chest and thighs. To his horror, the young man suddenly realized he was lying on the gurney, naked, for all eyes to see. Though his body was just about finished with the final stages of puberty, Fox Mulder, like any pre-teen, was still extremely uncomfortable with his new body and the additional body hair and reactions to various stimuli it went through. The idea that strangers were examining his nude body from head to toe without so much as a discreet sheet for some semblance of privacy made him shudder in horror. "I'm cold," he said, in a desperate attempt to acquire some kind of coverage for his vulnerable body. "We'll increase the temperature in here. Now, you must be quiet, or you will only lengthen the amount of time it takes to complete the tests. Do you understand, young man?" It was the round faced, Asian man again. Fox nodded mutely. He decided to close his eyes and try to think of something or someone that was pleasant that would allow him to get his mind off of this situation. He felt a kind of pressure on his extremities as well as on his torso and face. Though this pressure was uncomfortable, it was not unbearable. However, the next area was unnerving for the youngster. He flinched noticeably when he felt pressure on his genitals. Though there was no actual pain, it was a sensation that caused Fox great discomfort. Since he'd gone through puberty, his body had gone through many changes, and one of the biggest was the appearance of genital hair and wet dreams. He remembered waking up mornings and finding his pajama bottoms moist and sticky with a whitish, creamy substance. Since it was impossible for him to discuss this with his mother or father, he'd gotten some books out of the library and learned these were all very normal reactions, but it disconcerted him nonetheless. So it appalled him when he felt a pressure on his penis and scrotum. He wasn't even comfortable enough with his body to think about his body parts by the more vulgar labels. As suddenly as the pressure on his genitals began, it stopped. Fox felt relieved and hoped it was a sign that he would now be allowed to go home. "Can I go now?" Fox requested softly. "We're not done with the tests yet, Fox. Are you ready to proceed, Doctor?" asked the unfamiliar voice. "But I want to go home now," the youngster whimpered. Fox then heard someone grunt, which he realized may have been someone's way of saying 'yes'. It was the next moment that Fox sought the one person who'd always provided him a safe haven. "Nana!" he screamed in response to the intense pain he felt throughout his entire body. End of Part 3/10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Cycles X: Trust by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com) Disclaimers in part 1 Part 4/10 "Nana!" he screamed again and again. The pain permeated throughout his entire body. Though it varied in its intensity, it remained continuous for an interminably long period of time. "Nana," he cried out over and over again. "Nana, where are you?" The odd assortment of medical personnel that surrounded the youngster ignored his plaintive pleas for comfort. The tests were required to see how much of the project's goals had been achieved, and if it meant that the boy was going to have to go through some discomfort, than so be it. Even the child's father agreed to that. He was there. William Mulder was there to witness it all. To witness the pain. "Can't you give him something to quiet him down. I don't need to hear him calling for that woman," he demanded angrily. "Mulder, you know we can't give him anything because it might compromise the results of the test. Now calm yourself down, or you'll be asked to leave," voiced the round faced, Asian man. "Why don't you come wait over here, Bill?" asked the tall, thin man in the corner. "Piece of gum?" he offered. "Gum?" Bill Mulder asked. "Trying to quit the smokes," the tall thin man replied. "Obviously you just started to try. You still reek of the smell, for crying out loud," Bill observed disdainfully. "Like you don't?" he retorted. "Would you two please take your school boy repartee outside so we can concentrate on the tests?" called out the short, thin faced man with the German accent. When father and best friend were finally quieted down, the medical staff's attention was finally brought back to the child strapped down on the gurney. One of the staff members took a marking pen and drew circles on the specific areas they needed to take tissue samples from. First he drew a circle on the child's right and left shoulder. Next, on the upper arm of the left arm and on the forearm of both arms. He then proceeded to mark areas on the neck, chest and stomach. When he finished marking those areas, he then moved down toward the young man's lower limbs, and marked areas on both of his thighs and calves. He even marked areas on the soles of the pre-teen's feet. Finally, he inked a circle on each testicle. The medical staff proceeded to take a tissue sample from each of the areas marked. They checked off each are on the prescribed checklist and duly noted the correct area from which the tissue sample was excised on the container in which it was kept. The boy was given no anesthesia for fear it would compromise the results of the project's experiment. The doctors made sure their surgical implements were as sharp as possible to reduce the intensity of pain the boy would feel, but there was no way they could possibly eliminate it without the use of anesthesia. After the fifth or sixth cut, Fox no longer reacted to the pain. He found if he cleared his mind and put all of his energy into remembering the one place he felt safe, he could block out the pain of the incisions that were being made all over his body. Though it took awhile, he finally began to smell the familiar odors of his Nana's kitchen. The oil was bubbling in the pan on the hot gas burner. He saw the small mounds of potato crackling brown inside the pan. He moved toward the pan and reached up and touched it. "Owww!" Fox cried out at the pain on his hand. "No, Fox! You mustn't touch that sweetheart, it's too hot," called the sweetly comforting voice. Nana walked over to him and quickly kissed the abused hand. "Nana, it hurts. It hurts. Make it stop hurting. Why does it hurt so much?" he cried. "I don't know sweetheart, but you have to get through it. I'm with you, Fox. I'll be right there with you," she said. "No, Nana. Don't make me go back, please don't make me go," he cried. "It hurts. I don't want them to hurt me." "Come sweet boy, let's go together. We have to get through this so they won't hurt you anymore. Come, hold Nana's hand. I'll help you, mine sweet boy." Nana took hold of the young Fox's hand and squeezed it tightly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Dana?" Dana turned around to see her brother standing in the doorway of the waiting room. "Bill. What are you doing here?" she asked. "Mom and Mr. Skinner came back to the house with Adam. They told me to come over and stay with you until one of them is able to get back here," he replied. "Oh." Dana looked at her fingers as they alternately intertwined with one another and then unraveled again. "Fox is having a CAT scan done." "Dana, what happened?" her brother asked gently. "I don't understand. Mom couldn't explain it. She just said he collapsed." "He did collapse," Dana agreed. "But from what, Dana?" he questioned. "From shock," she whispered in reply. "I don't understand." "Oh Bill, I'm not sure why, okay? All I know is I opened my big mouth and he collapsed. He collapsed because of me, okay? Are you happy now?" she cried out angrily. "Whoa, Dana. Take it easy, okay? I just flew in from the west coast this evening, so you can't blame this one on me, so just calm down." Bill paused for a moment or two to catch his breath and to give his sister a chance to take one. "Now, exactly what the hell are you talking about?" Bill Scully asked with more of an edge than even he had expected. "Oh Bill, I'm sorry. Of course I'm not blaming you. It's not you__, it's me. It's _my_ fault, damn it. _My_ fault!" she bemoaned. "Talk to me little sister. What happened?" he now asked with compassion in his voice. Scully then went on to explain in detail the events that had transpired that day, everything from wanting some time on her own to find Mulder's gift to leaving Adam with him and coming to find that Adam was missing and her reacting to that news with those damning words. *Fox! How could you lose him? How could you lose my baby?* "How could I have said that to him, Billy? What could have ever possessed me to say those words to him?" she lamented helplessly. "Dana, your love for your child, that's what. You didn't say them knowing they would cause Mulder to collapse on you, you said them because you're a mother who was worried sick about her missing child. Stop beating yourself up over this. It's not your fault. "For crying out loud, Dana, let's face it. Mulder's never exactly been the totally stable one of the family, has he?" Bill asked. "I mean, he's been known to go off the deep end before, hasn't he?" "No, not like this. He's never gone off like this, at least not since____," she hesitated. "Not since when, Dana?" Bill probed. "Not since his sister disappeared. He apparently was in some kind of catatonic state for a week or so after she'd been abducted," she explained. "But that was so very long ago." "And since then? Has he ever been in one of those catatonic states before?" Bill asked. "No, not until apparently today. But Bill, that's what's so unbelievable about the whole thing," she exclaimed. "Everything has been going so incredibly well! We haven't been happier. Adam is thriving, we're doing well at work. "Since we'd gotten married, it seems to have given us a new legitimacy at the Bureau. Damn it, Bill! We've actually gained some respect among our peers. I mean other agents have been actually seeking our opinion on cases, and not on the QT either. They've openly acknowledged that our opinion was needed and welcomed! "So I don't understand why this has happened now. I don't understand why, after all the shit we've been through, and all of the perfectly understandable reasons he would have had to hare out, he chooses this time, when things have been going perfectly wonderful, to lose it like this. Why now?" she asked plaintively. "For that very reason, shayner maydelah. He was happy," she answered from the corner of the room. "Nana? Is that you? Where's Fox?" Dana called out. "Who the hell are you talking to, Dana?" asked Bill nervously. It was bad enough having his brother-in-law go loony toons on him, he was damned if he was going to watch his sister become a nutcake too. "Bill, shhh! Nana, why aren't you with Fox?" Dana asked anxiously. "They're finished with their 'dog' test," Nana replied. "You mean CAT scan, Nana," Dana corrected with a slight smile, but then more seriously she asked, "How is he?" "It was hard for him, sweet girl. I won't lie, it was very hard. He was remembering things that no man should ever have to remember going through at any age, much less as a child," Nana responded. "Oh God, is he all right now? Did he awaken?" Dana asked tremulously. "No sweet girl, he still needs to feel safe. He hasn't' returned yet," she answered carefully. "But when, Nana? When will he come back to me? When will he feel safe with me again?" cried Dana. "I don't know, maydelah. I honestly don't know." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill watched cautiously as they wheeled Mulder back into the hospital room. The last time he witnessed such a scene was when he and his former high school chums had beaten Mulder to a bloody pulp. This time, however, was different. Mulder looked fine, which is what was the most disconcerting of all. There wasn't a bruise or a mark on him, if you didn't count the little connectors glued to his head and chest to monitor his brain waves and heartbeat. The nurse was getting the paraphernalia together needed to start an IV or two. The nurse then excused herself for a few minutes, having explained she needed to get a new IV stand as the rings were missing from the one in the room. *Well, if anything brings him out of this, the nurses poking and prodding him with needles will,"* Bill mused. "What the hell do you find so funny, Bill?" Dana asked venomously as she moved to sit next to her husband. She grasped his hand and gently massaged it in an effort to somehow let him know that she was there for him. She was always there for him. Bill, on the other hand, hadn't even been aware that he was chuckling aloud, but knew he had to explain to his sister quickly that he wasn't taking his brother-in-law's condition lightly. "No, Dana, I wasn't__, I mean I was, but not____, oh shit. Dana, I was just remembering how much Mulder fought the nurses when it was time to draw blood or whatever. I was just thinking if anything would 'wake' him up, it would be because some nurse was jabbing a needle into him, that's all," he said in an attempt to explain himself. Dana smiled at that. "You're right. Maybe we just need to ask the nurses to keep poking and prodding him in order to royally piss him off," she remarked softly. "Yeah, Dane, maybe," he answered. Scully's head went up with a jerk. "What did you say?" she asked with a tremble. "I said yeah." "No, what did you call me?" she asked. "Dana, I guess." "No, you called me 'Dane'. Don't call me that again, Billy. Do you understand? Don't you ever call me that." Dana turned her face away so he wouldn't see the new crop of tears start to fall. "Dana, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. Really." He sat glumly with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. "God, that's two things I have to avoid calling you," he muttered. "Two things?" Dana looked perplexed at her brother's latest comment. "Yeah, you tell me I can't call you 'Dane' and Charlie told me I couldn't call you 'Starbuck'," he mumbled. "Oh. He was right, you know," she responded quietly. "Yeah, Dana. I know. You both were," Bill Scully responded in kind. Several minutes passed before Bill spoke again. He looked at Dana and took a deep breath. "Dana, who were you speaking to before, in the waiting room?" "Nana," she responded succinctly, and then brushed her hand over Mulder's forehead to move the hair out of his eyes. Mulder's eyes had closed a while ago, but he was still unresponsive to the stimuli Dana continuously tried to supply. "Nana, who?" he ask, more confused than ever. "Nana. Mulder's Nana. We met her before the wedding, when Mulder became ill with appendicitis," she explained. "Jeeze, Dana, do you notice a pattern here, or what?" Bill asked in exasperation. "The man is a walking invitation to the emergency room." When he noticed the not so amused expression on his sister's face, he continued exploring the identity of Nana. "So, how come I couldn't see her or hear her, and where the hell is she now?" he asked brusquely. "It's hard to explain, Bill. Nana's not exactly a living phenomena," she started to explain. "Not exactly a living phenomena? Would you please tell me what the hell are you talking about," he demanded in frustration. "She said, I was not exactly a living phenomena, though what I think she means is, I'm dead, dear boy," the elderly figure proposed. "What the __?" Bill startled and jumped to his feet at the unfamiliar voice. "Hi Nana," said a smiling Dana. "This is Bill, my older brother." "Nu, you think I don't know who this boy is? I wasn't far away last year, you know. I was here, just in case he needed me. You know that maydelah, don't you?" Nana asked suddenly, with a hint of concern in her voice. "Of course I know that Nana. What about now? How much longer do we need to wait?" she asked with frown lines crossing her forehead. "Wait a minute, I don't understand. Who is this person? How did you get in here?" Bill ranted on. "Bill, shuddup, please. If you can't just accept the fact that Nana is here, then maybe you should leave. I can't afford to have your doubts permeating the room," Dana firmly requested. "So the skeptic's finally become the believer?" he asked. "Bill, I think I was always a believer. I just didn't have much to believe in before I met Mulder," she answered. Just then the nurse returned with a new IV stand. She then began the process of inserting the IV lines into Mulder's arms. The nurse appeared to be a little green at doing the procedure. Apparently the head nurse figured a comatose patient would be the best candidate for her newbie nurse to practice on. Little did they know that Mulder's personal physician was also his wife and would protect him from any needless, extra sticks to insert the IV line. "Excuse me, but that's the third time you've tried to find the vein. Do you think you could ask someone else to do it, please?" Scully asked. "Well, I was instructed to keep doing it until I got it in," replied Nurse Newbie. "Yes, but that could cause my husband a great deal of discomfort if you continue to miss the vein," Dana responded with a little less patience. "I'm just trying to do my job, ma'am. If you have a problem with me, you're more than welcomed to see the head nurse. Anne Richards is her name," responded Nurse Newbie in a slightly tremulous voice. "I think I will do just that," Dana replied and proceeded to leave the room. Nurse Newbie, on the other hand, took that as her cue to continue to stick Mulder until she got the line in or her supervisor came and stopped her; whichever came first. Nana also took that as her cue, for she sensed that Fox was feeling the pain of the misplaced needles far more than the nurse could have imagined. "I will see you later, William. Tell Dana I'm going to be with Fox now." Bill Scully watched, mesmerized, as the silver haired being shimmered into nothingness. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "No! Please stop!" the child cried out. The needles were as long as any he'd ever seen before. The white coated staff member drew a long needle off of the tray and attached it to the hypodermic. He then inserted the tip of the extra thick needle under his skin and drew the requisite amount of blood. Another white coat came and drew some more blood, and then another, and another, and another. Each time blood was drawn, the needles seemed to lengthen in size. Fox became more terrified as each white coat appeared. He felt as though they were going to draw every last drop of blood from him. Next they repositioned him in curled up, fetal position. They restrapped the Velcro restraints so he couldn't move easily. Fox felt his head pushed downward toward his curled up knees so they touched. He remembered hearing a very deep, accented voice instruct him sternly to keep absolutely still, no matter how much it hurt. When Fox heard there was even a remote possibility of being hurt, he tensed up even more than normal. The man who gave the directions, a Russian, yelled at him, "Relax, you will only make it harder on yourself if you tense up." The youngster began to panic even more and began to breathe erratically. "Let's do it," the Russian demanded. "But shouldn't we wait till he calms down a little?" asked another. "We don't have the time. Just do it," the brusque voice commanded. Mulder felt the concentrated pain of the needle go through his back and then through his spine. His screams were as much a reflection of his terrified psyche as they were of the agony he was feeling coursing through his back. "I'm here shayner boychikel, I'm here," Nana murmured over and over to him. "I'm holding your hand now, sweet boy, and the pain will leave soon. I promise sweet boy. Just hold on to me," she repeated to him as if she were reciting a mantra. "Help me, Nana. Help me go home," he sobbed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ End of Part 4/10 Life Cycles X: Trust by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com) Disclaimers in Part 1 WARNING! NC17 section coming up! Part 5/10 Bill and Dana were in the room for over an hour watching Mulder do little more than breathe, open his eyes, and close his eyes. There was still no sign of recognition of Scully nor was there yet any reaction to stimuli. The nurses came back in (though to Scully's relief, not Nurse Newbie) and asked both Bill and Dana to wait outside while they set up the remaining monitoring devices and inserted the catheter. Scully looked at the nurses and started to say that Mulder hated catheters and would probably fight them tooth and nail on it, but then realized that was probably wishful thinking on her part at the moment. After a short while, as they waited outside of the room, Bill and Dana heard something unexpected from Mulder's room. Mulder. Scully rushed back into the room. "What's wrong?" she cried out. "Mrs. Mulder, I don't understand what happened. I inserted the catheter and he just started moaning and weeping. I honestly don't think I hurt him, ma'am, really I don't," said the nurse sincerely. "Is the catheter in?" Scully asked. When the nurse responded in the positive, Scully asked them to leave. "Are you sure? Perhaps one of us should stay," said one of the nurses. When Scully shook her head, the other nurse told Scully they would page Mulder's doctor and inform him of this latest development. Both nurses left the room. Since Dana had asked Bill to call and check in with Maggie and Walter, Dana was left alone in the room to soothe Mulder's outcries. Suddenly, Nana appeared at her side. "Hello, sweet girl. I can only stay a moment, but I needed to make sure you were nearby. This is a scary time for our Fox, maydelah. Stay near him, and just keep telling him you love him no matter what," she explained in a rush. "Nana, what's wrong? What's happened to him?" she asked anxiously. "Dana, it's not for me to discuss, but Fox will need to talk to you about it at some point in time. Just know it will be very hard for him, very frightening for him, and let him know you love him no matter what. Okay shayner maydelah?" "Yes, Nana. You know I'll always love him, no matter what," was her reply. "Oh sweetheart, __I __ know it. It's a question of making Fox believe it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "We'll need a semen sample," said the round faced, Asian man. "Yes. He's advanced through enough stages of puberty to make a sample a viable one," responded the thin faced, German accented man. One of the attendants was called over and told to put on gloves. He informed the attendant that a semen sample was needed from the young man, and the attendant simply nodded and stood near the child. The attendant never made eye contact with him as he grasped Fox's genitals in a gentle hold. Fox gasped in a panic as he felt his private parts become manipulated in a way that only he, himself, had ever done. But that was always done in private, in secret. "Oh God, please, don't," said the trembling youngster. The attendant said nothing. He merely continued to caress the adolescent's penis in a knowledgeable and productive manner. "Daddy? Daddy! Why are they doing this? Please! Don't let them do this? Please? Oh God, Daddy, I don't want this to happen to me," he pleaded to deaf ears. The boy's pleas were in direct conflict with his body's reaction to the very competent and professional, if unemotional, massage his genitals received. As much as the youngster begged for the manipulation to stop and protested against this latest violation, he developed an erection. When Fox realized that his body was betraying his humiliation, Nana appeared at his side and took his hand into hers. "Oh God, Nana! NO! Go away, please!" Fox cried out. He felt deeply ashamed to have his Nana, the one person to whom he turned to in order to help him in any situation, see him respond to the gropings of the male attendant. He felt so embarrassed that his body was responding to the manipulation. "I don't want them to do this, Nana. Please, believe me. I want them to stop," he cried. "Shh, Fox. This is not of your own doing. You can't help what bigger and stronger men do to you, when they've strapped you down against your will. You mustn't blame yourself, sweet boy. You have no choice. Your body has no choice. Don't be ashamed, Fox. You have nothing to be ashamed of, I swear to you." The fear and the excitement started to intermingle as Fox's body began to respond to the proficient ministrations of the attendant's hands. As Fox's body was brought closer and closer to climax, the agony in the boy's eyes became more apparent. He was terrified to allow himself to feel the pleasure of the approaching orgasm. He couldn't allow himself to look at Nana. He was petrified. He began to feel some of the most intense sensations he'd ever felt. Fox felt the muscles in his pelvis begin to contract. He started to breathe more rapidly. As much as he wanted to say nothing, he found he couldn't keep the moans silent. A slight sheen of perspiration appeared on the boy's forehead and beads of sweat lined his upper lip. Suddenly, Fox felt himself ejaculating the required semen, which the attendant neatly captured in an appropriately placed, sterilized container. As the attendant manipulated Fox's penis to assist him in ejaculating every last drop of semen, the youngster felt his penis become more flaccid. As his heightened state of sensitivity lessened, the boy felt no less self-conscious, but simply more numb. He couldn't believe what had just happened. He couldn't believe how violated he felt. He couldn't understand how this could happen to him. He couldn't understand what he'd done to deserve such treatment. He suddenly felt very tired. He looked to his right and realized his Nana was still holding his hand, tightly. "Nana," he called out softly. "Yes shayner boychikel, I'm here," she responded. "Why? Why me, Nana?" he asked so sadly. "I don't know, Fox, but know that I love you, and you will always have someone to love you. No matter what, sweet boy, there will always be someone who loves you. Can you hear me, Fox? "Oy, sweet boy, please, if you don't hear anything else I say, please hear me say this. You will _always_ have someone who loves you, no matter what they do to you." As Fox closed his eyes, tears began to escape, and Nana squeezed his hand and prayed he heard her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill returned to the room to inform Dana there was no answer at the house. He found her standing by Mulder's bed, quietly talking to him, as she held his hand in her own. He could hear her repeat over and over, "I love you, Mulder. No matter what has happened, I love you. Forever and always, I love you so much." Not five minutes later, Walter and Maggie walked in the door. Maggie carried a sleeping Adam on her shoulder and the oversized "magic bag" while Walter hauled in the portable playpen and additional diaper bag of supplies. "I know you sent us home," Maggie began, "but I'm sorry, I just couldn't leave you here alone." "Umm, Mom, she wasn't exactly alone," Bill interjected. "Oh, of course not, Bill, but, well, I just couldn't wait at home. I needed to be here for Fox too," Maggie explained, albeit ineptly. "It's okay, Mom. I'm sure Bill understands," she said, looking hard at her brother to make him understand she didn't want nor need tension in the room at that point. "Yeah__, sure, I understand," Bill replied appropriately. Dana looked at Bill and gave him a small smile of thanks. "Dana, has there been any change?" asked Walter. "He actually showed a reaction not too long ago," she responded. "What happened? What had he responded to?" asked Maggie. "The insertion of the catheter. He began to cry," she quietly answered. "Oh. Well, he's never liked being poked and prodded, Dana. It's good that he reacted, isn't it dear?" Maggie remarked. "Yes, Mom. Of course it is," Dana said. At that moment, Adam woke up with a wail, looked up, and saw his mother standing nearby him. "Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma," he cried out in staccato like syllables. Dana reached over and took him into her arms. "Hello my sweet baby. How's my Adam?" Dana asked with a smile she hugged and kissed her brown haired, hazel-eyed little man. When she looked at her son, it was like looking at a smaller version of her husband. Even the pouty lips were an exact replica of Mulder's. The only obvious Scully feature the child inherited was the Scully nose, to which everyone breathed a small sigh of relief. The child was the best of each of them. Even his temperament was a blending of each parent's. He had Scully's logical, orderly manner of discovering the answers to the important questions all eighteen month olds have, but he had his father's easy laugh and gentle, sensitive personality. He was the joy of both their lives. "Ma-ma-ma-ma___, DA! Da-da-da-da-da-da!" he gleefully shouted. "Yes munchkin, it's your daddy," Dana said with a smile. He squirmed again and started reaching for Mulder. "You want to give Da a kiss, Adam?" Scully bent down near Mulder's head so Adam could reach over and give him one of his patented goopy, loud kisses. He looked at Mulder with a slightly quizzical expression and repeated, "Da?" The baby next looked back at his mother and repeated, "Da?" Scully looked at her obviously perplexed son and wondered how it was possible that he could be so perceptive at such a young age. "Oh Adam, Da will wake up soon. He has to," she whispered while clutching the small figure fiercely to her cheek. "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na," Adam repeated in his own unique way. "Hello, mine beauty-ful great grandson!" said the delighted voice. "What?" Dana looked up to see a long haired, silver french braided woman shimmer into presence. "Nana," Dana greeted, and then she asked, "He's hurting badly, isn't he?" "Yes, sweet girl. But Dana, he's being so brave. You would be so proud of him," Nana said knowingly. End of part 5/10 Part 6/10 All of a sudden, Adam started crying uncontrollably. Dana knew he was feeling the stress that permeated the room, and not having the words to express his own distress, he resorted to wailing at full throttle. Maggie offered to take him from her and walk up and down the hospital corridor, but Dana suggested the rest of the patients might not appreciate the vocal charms of a hysterical eighteen month old. Besides, Dana realized the child had her in a headlock, and was not planning on going anywhere away from her in the near future. But he did continue to cry, and no matter what she offered to placate him, he ignored it and continued to sob uncontrollably. As much as Dana did not want to, she felt she might have to leave the hospital as a way to avoid being thrown out. "Shhh, Adam, please, Munchkin. You've just gotta calm down a little for Mommy," Dana cajoled. Unfortunately, Adam had other ideas. Adam not only felt the enormous amount of tension in the room, but his napping and mealtime schedules were completely off kilter as well. Dana simply did not have the wherewithal to calm down her son. "I think it's time for Uncle Bill to take over," said the broad shouldered red head with a confident smile. "C'mon, 'Dee', I've been through this a couple of times already." As she gratefully allowed her big brother to untangle the screaming child from her arms, she looked at him with a small smile and said with a question on her face, "Dee?" "Well, 'Starbuck' is off limits, and 'Dane' is taken. If I called you 'Little Sis' you'd probably find your gun and shoot me. I wanted a special something just between us," he explained with a slight blush rising on his cheeks, and then, as if he suddenly remembered with whom he was dealing with, asked, "Is it okay with you?" "Yeah, Billy, it's okay with me," she replied warmly. "Good." Bill Scully smiled broadly at the precious gift his sister had just given him, herself. He then set upon the task of quieting his small nephew, so the others could attend to his brother-in-law who began moaning and crying again. "I must go to him, children," Nana suddenly announced. "He is remembering again." "Maybe we should try some new medication to ease the dreams," suggested Dana. "NO," Nana rebuked. "I'm sorry maydelah, I don't mean to shout at you," she apologized in reaction to Dana's startled reaction, "but you have to understand that the reason he's in this condition is because he's avoided remembering all of the horrors, all of these years. "Sweetheart, you couldn't understand why he got sick now, when everything had been going so well at home and at work. Don't you realize that is precisely why he got sick? Dana, this man has gone through experiences that you and I could only dream for our worst enemies, and then we wouldn't wish it on them because we're good people. "But he wasn't so lucky. He did go through them, and he has worked so hard all of these years to forget them, and the crazy reason is because he thought he deserved it. Can you imagine? This beauty-ful, kind, gentle man actually thought he deserved all of the hell those bastards put him through. "So now, for the first time in a very long time, he found happiness in his life. He has a beauty-ful wife, a beauty-ful son, a better relationship than he's ever had with his mother, such as it is, and a mother-in-law and almost father-in-law that treat him as much like a son as he could ever hope to be treated." Turning to Walter, Nana pointedly stated, "Which is something you should do something about already, don't you think Walter? I'm not getting any younger, you know." "Nana? You're not going to be getting any older either, if I'm not mistaken," Walter replied with a wry smile. "Nu, you're going to argue with an old, dead lady? Such respect from the younger generation," she teased. At that moment, Mulder cried out either as if in great pain or anguish. It was difficult to distinguish which. Nana looked over at her grandson and told the concerned group it was time for her to join her Fox. "Hold onto him, maydelah. Remind him how much you and your family love him and how he deserves to be loved. That will be the hardest thing for him to accept." Nana's solid form melted into a shimmering glow, until only her essence was left behind. "Damn, how the hell does she do that?" asked Bill. "How the hell did you do that?" asked Walter, as he pointed to the toddler who was sleeping soundly on his Uncle Bill's shoulder. Bill smiled in response and then looked over at Dana. "See? I told you he needed his Uncle's touch," Bill teased. Just then Mulder cried out, and Bill called out anxiously, "Dee? Is Mulder going to be okay?" "Yes, Billy. We're here for him, and Nana's with him. Mulder's going to get through this. He is going to get through this," she repeated, more for herself than anyone else in the room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fox heard the screaming. At first he thought it was the echoing of his own anguished cries, but he realized it was someone else's voice. And as he listened more carefully, if for no other reason than to take his mind off of his own anxieties, he realized with a dull pain whose outcries he heard. Samantha. They had his little sister here too. They were subjecting her to the same horrors they did to him. *Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod! If they touched her__,* he thought to himself as he remembered the last torture they'd put him through. *I'll kill them if they touch her. I'll kill them,* he vowed. "Samantha! Samantha! Don't cry. Please, don't cry!" he shouted to her in an attempt to console her and let her know she wasn't alone. "Fox! Save me! Please! Fox! I'm scared, save me!" the frightened little girl called out. Fox labored against the restraints but his efforts were futile. He was going nowhere, and in his frustration he called out to his sister, "Samantha! I'll find you Sam. I'll help you! I love you, Sam." He continued to struggle against the straps that stretched across his body and restrained his arms and legs. His tears now flowed more out of fear for his sister's safety than his own physical pain. Her cries continued to reverberate in his ears. He felt so helpless at not being able to rescue her. He felt so ashamed. He couldn't protect his sister. All he could do was lay strapped, naked on a gurney, and be forced to endure surgical procedures without anesthesia, countless numbers of blood withdrawals, sexual molestation, and the emotionally devastating task of listening to the anguished cries of his sister in terror and pain. He felt worthless. He wanted it to end. He just wanted everything to end. "Fox, it will be all right, boychikel. Please sweet boy, you mustn't give up," Nana encouraged her grandson as she grasped his hand tightly. "Nana, go help Samantha. Please. I'll be all right, just go help Sam," the child begged. "Oh sweet boy, I must stay with you for now. I have to make sure you understand, none of this is your fault. You are not to blame, do you understand, Fox? It is not your fault," she repeated. "Samantha. Please, I've got to save Samantha," he cried. "Fox, it's not your job to save Samantha. Your job, right now, is to save yourself. You have to save yourself for now. Your family needs you, sweet boy. Do you understand? You have to understand it's not your fault. "You are a wonderful person. I love you, shayner boychikel, and your mother loves you. And Samantha loves you," she continued. "Daddy? Daddy's here, Nana. I heard him talking. Why doesn't Daddy love me? Why doesn't Daddy love Sam? "WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME? WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO SAM? SAMANTHA! SAMANTHA!" "You have to shut him up, now!" demanded the thin faced, man with the German accent. As he watched one of the attendants pick up a hypodermic needle, the German man shouted, "NO! No drugs. We are not completed with the tests as yet. Find a more creative way to shut him up." With that the German man left the room. The attendant was the same man who masturbated the boy in order to get a semen sample. The attendant looked at the young man's face for the first time. He was struck at how young he looked at that moment. The body of a young man, but the emotional facade of a child. "Fox, you must quiet down now, or I will have to help you quiet down," he said. "LET ME GO HOME. MOM! SAM! I WANT TO GO HOME! SAM! ARE YOU OKAY? " he shouted over and over again in a state of perpetual hysteria. The attendant had no choice. He raised his hand and clenched his fingers into a fist. "He said I should be creative, my friend. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best solutions. Nighty night, Fox." And with that, the attendant's fist now connected with Fox's jaw, and knocked him out totally and completely. End of Part 6/10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Cycles X: Trust by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com) Disclaimers in Part 1 Part 7/10 Mulder's vital signs had them worried for a while. His pulse was racing and his blood pressure had begun to skyrocket. Dana saw him straining against phantom bindings and heard him gulping deeply for breaths of oxygen. Then, it seemed as suddenly as the crisis had begun, it ended. The numbers on the monitors fell to within normal range. Dana sat next to the bed on one of the four chairs that now inhabited the room. Walter sat in the second chair and gently stroked Maggie's hand as she sat in the third, while Bill, who continued to hold the sleeping baby in his arms, occupied the fourth. "Mom, Walter, why don't you go take a break. Go get a bite to eat. Besides, I could really use a cup of coffee." She turned to her brother. "Billy, I think you can lay Adam down in the playpen and go with them." At his skeptical look, Dana responded, "Really, Bill. Go ahead. And bring me back a sandwich, okay? Tuna on whole wheat would be great." Dana knew if she requested food, not one of them would have the heart to deny her. After a half hearted protest, the trio did as asked. Maggie knew very well Dana had no intention of eating any sandwich they brought back, but she didn't fault her daughter for wanting a few minutes of privacy. When the room was finally emptied of everyone except her Mulder men, Dana grasped her husband's hand, gently caressed it, and softly spoke to him as per Nana's instructions. "Mulder, I know you're in a very scary place right now, but where ever it is, you've got to know I am waiting here for you, waiting to show you how much I love you. Because I do love you Mulder, with all my heart. I have been so happy with you in my life. Even with all of the craziness that's happened, I am happiest when I am with you. "I need you in my life, Mulder. No matter what horrible things you think you've caused, none of it was ever your fault. You mustn't ever blame yourself for the sad and scary things that have happened to you, and me, over the years. It was never your fault, Mulder. Never. "You are my life, Fox Mulder. You and our son. Adam needs you, Fox. He needs to learn how to become the man you are. Only you can teach him that. I want our son to grow up to be like you, Fox. You are loving, and caring, and giving. "And you are my husband, and I am incomplete without you at my side. You are a good person, Fox Mulder, and I am proud of you and, I am proud of the way you have chosen to live your life. "Fox, you need to learn to be proud of yourself. "I'll teach you, my love, if that's what you need. I'll remind you everyday to be proud of yourself. Just come back to me. Come back to Adam. Adam needs his Daddy, Fox. Oh sweetheart, we both need you so much. Please come back to us," she implored him through soft tears. A few minutes later, the resident entered the room to make a perfunctory exam of the patient. He noted the stable vital signs and asked Dana if there were any noticeable changes in his condition. Dana explained, in a detached, clinical manner, her husband seemed to be demonstrating more reactions to stimuli. What she neglected to mention was the stimuli was internal as opposed to external. And since the doctor wasn't going to question it, Dana decided it wasn't necessary to explain it in detail. The longer she kept Mulder out of the psych ward, the better his chances were of recuperating without psychiatric intervention, and therefore avoiding any repercussions at the Bureau. Another twenty minutes passed before Maggie, Walter and Bill made their way back. Maggie brought a dish of apple sauce for Adam when he awoke, which everyone knew would most likely be sooner than later. The tuna fish sandwich sat, as Maggie expected, unopened on the table. Dana did gratefully accept the coffee, however. "Dana, why don't you go for a walk. We'll all be here with Fox," Maggie said. "Mom, you know I won't leave him," she responded. "Sweetheart, I promise, we won't allow him to check himself out the hospital before you get back," her mom retorted with a smile. Scully actually smiled at her mother's jab, and decided a quick walk outside for some fresh air might actually do her some good. "Okay," she said, "you've convinced me. I'm going outside for a breath of fresh air. I won't be gone more than fifteen minutes, but if there's any change, promise you'll come and get me." "We promise, Scully," Walter assured. "Go on, take a break." Dana stood up with her cup of coffee in hand, took a quick look at Mulder and said aloud, "I'll be right back Mulder. Sit tight, okay?" She left the room and walked out of the building. It was 5:45 p.m. At 5:55 all hell broke loose. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fox groaned in pain as regained consciousness. The swelling around the right side of his jaw was now quite noticeable. He felt some pressure around his nose as well, and he wondered if it was broken. He tried to open his eyes, but he realized his right eye was swollen shut, and his left eye barely opened into a slit. The next voice he heard caused the young man to stiffen noticeably. He recognized the voice as belonging to his father and his friend, the Morley Man, as he and Sam referred to him. He struggled to make out the words the voices he so clearly recognized. "How much longer do you think this is going to take? Their mother is going to give me holy hell for this as it is," his father said. "Now Bill, you know very well we need to be thorough in the completion of the tests. The fact that your children had turned out to be ideal test subjects for the project should make you and Elizabeth very proud," he replied. "You have any smokes on you?" he asked as an afterthought. "I thought you were quitting?" Bill remarked. "I did quit. Now I'm starting again. Give me a cigarette," he responded. He took the proffered cigarette and sniffed its sweet, but acrid aroma. He took the matches from Bill's outstretched hand and lit it. He inhaled deeply and turned the matches back over to their owner. "What do you think the results will say?" Bill asked. "I'm not sure. I suspect they'll give us an indication as to which course we continue with. What we do with the children from this point on." "What are the possibilities?" Bill Mulder asked. "Oh for Christ's sake, Mulder. You _know_ what the possibilities are! Why the hell would you start pretending to be like an ostrich with his head in the sand now?" he asked. "She'll never let you take them. Never," Bill answered. "She won't have a choice if it's determined they're needed to further the goals and objectives of the project. You know damned well that we have to determine if the amount of hybrid DNA that had been injected into both of them as babies was of significant value to enhance growth and intelligence. "So cut the crap, Bill. You were both aware of the risks and of the obligations to the project," he concluded as he drew in another puff of the pungent Morley. "Daddy? Daddy, it hurts," Fox whimpered as he struggled, albeit without much conviction this time, against the restraints that bound him to the gurney. The youngster's head was pounding from the blow he'd received earlier at the hands of the attendant. He called for his father again, but Fox soon realized he was being ignored. As usual. "Nothing like being consistent, eh Dad?" he remarked sarcastically. As soon as it came out of his mouth, however, he regretted it. His father never took kindly to a rude mouth, and for his own son to cut into him like that, and in front of another adult, was too much for the older Mulder to tolerate. "You little son of a bitch. How dare you talk to me that way!" growled the elder Mulder. "Daddy, no, please. I'm sorry. Please, don't be mad. I want to go home now. Please? Where's Sam? Mom's gonna wonder where we are, Daddy. Please, take us home now?" Fox knew he was rambling on and on. He also knew there was a very real possibility that his ramblings would provoke his father even more, but he couldn't help it. He needed to make contact with his father in order to help himself make sense of the situation. At that moment, Samantha began screeching out loud. Fox could hear the terror in her voice, but there was still nothing he could do about it other than call to her. Which he did. "Samantha! Samantha! I'm here Samantha! Please!" he shouted back to her. When there was no response from her other than continued screams, Fox said in a softer, more defeated voice, "I'm here Sam. I'm sorry, Sam, I'm so sorry." It was at this point that Fox looked up with a totally beaten expression on his face. "Fox, shut up already," hissed his father. "Samantha will be fine, as you will be if you'll just shut up and cooperate." "Cooperate? Dad, look at me. I'm laying here strapped to this bed without any clothes on. I don't have much choice but to cooperate, do I?" the youngster retorted harshly. William Mulder had reluctantly allowed the first bit of sarcasm to pass, but he was not about to allow this second indiscretion pass. Mulder brought his hand far behind his back and swung up forcefully to slap Fox as hard as he possibly could across his face. "You will not speak to me in that tone of voice, young man. You will cooperate, or you will be punished. Severely. And you know that is not a threat. That is a promise," the older Mulder proclaimed venomously. Fox looked at his father through sad, but hardened eyes. Fox Mulder was very much aware of his father's promises. William Mulder made lots of promises. His father always kept his promises. Thankfully, his father made all of his promises to him and not his sister. "Yes, Sir. But could you please check to make sure Samantha is all right. Please." William knew what the little girl's screams were all about. The hypodermic needle used to inject the new round of hybrid DNA was huge. Samantha never was too fond of needles, and the size of these shots were enough to give any person the fright of their life. Bill Mulder and his companions were most concerned about the results of the compatibility tests. If the hybrid DNA had taken, then the newly injected hybrid DNA would simply amalgamate with her body's cellular structure and infuse itself with her own hybrid DNA. There would be few, if any, side effects and the child would continue within the project. If the initial dose of hybrid DNA had not taken, then the newly injected dosage would be subject to immediate rejection. It would be extremely painful and the subject would no longer be considered useful to the project for other than as a control subject. The senior Mulder listened carefully for any further vocalizations from his daughter. Once the dosage was administered, if there was going to be any reaction it would be immediate. All he heard was an occasional whimper, but no cries of pain and suffering. He was grateful that the child was not experiencing any additional distress, but Bill Mulder realized that was because the hybrid DNA had taken in his daughter. She would continue to be an active participant in the project. She would be subject to continuous tests throughout her life. He was going to lose his daughter, and there was not a damned thing he could do about it. "Now the boy," the round faced, Asian man directed. "Your daughter, William, passed with flying colors. She continues to demonstrate a great propensity for replicating the hybrid DNA. She will continue to provide the project research team with excellent data for many years to come." He nodded at another attendant, who prepared the hypodermic with the appropriate dosage of hybrid DNA for Fox Mulder. Fox looked up at his father, confused and worried. "Dad? What are they doing? Where's Samantha, Dad? Oh God, please, don't let them stick me with that thing! Daddy, please, no! I'll be good Daddy. Please, I won't talk back to you anymore, I promise!" As the attendant prepared the eight inch long hypodermic with the six inch needle, Fox began to hyperventilate. He was never one to deal well with shots of any kind, and when he saw this particular hypodermic needle, he felt a foreboding sense of dread. He knew he would never look at another hypodermic without a sense of terror ever again. Suddenly, he felt a firm hand on his forearm. "Sweetheart, I am going to ask you to be as brave as you've ever been," said the sweet, Russian accented voice. "This is going to cause you a type of pain you've never felt before, but shayner boychikel, you must endure it. I will be right here with you, so though you can't escape to my kitchen anymore, I'll stay with you Foxila. "I swear to you, I will not leave you. You hold my hand and squeeze it, Sweetheart. When it hurts so much you want to cry, you hold my hand as hard as you need to, sweet boy." "Nana? Oh God Nana, I don't want to stay here anymore," he whimpered. "I know Fox, I know. But you have to finally face it. You finally have to understand what you've been running away from and what you've been chasing all of these years. Hold my hand, sweet boychikel," comforted Nana. The attendant did one final check of the dosage, and gave the hypodermic its little taps to remove the air bubbles. The first attendant that had dealt with Fox used an elastic tubing to form a tourniquet in order to help find a vein. When their search was successful, the second attendant administered the dosage while Fox Mulder bit his lower lip in a steadfast attempt to maintain control. It did not last for long. As the hybrid DNA made its aborted journey through his body, Mulder thought he would pass out totally from the pain. When that did not happen, he desperately tried to get inside of his mind and remove himself from the scene and go back into Nana's kitchen. But Nana kept putting one hand on his arm and held Fox's hand with her own to remind him she was right there beside him. It burned, yet felt like serrated edged knives that ripped through his body, one extremity at a time. As soon as Fox knew one part of his body would find relief, a second part would go into spasmodic pain. He tried so hard to control himself. He really did try. But the agony became too much, and even Nana began to encourage him to cry out. If there was no shame in recognizing someone was sick, there should be no shame in acknowledging the pain one goes through when they were in pain. Fox William Mulder was in pain. He was in as much pain as he'd ever been before in his life. His cries were short at first, but then became longer and louder as time moved forward. The screams of suffering were heard by all in the examining room, and they would continue to be heard for the next hour or two, or three. Fox Mulder was no longer a viable subject for the Consortium Project. Fox Mulder was now an expendable piece of merchandise. End of Part 7/10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Cycles X: Trust by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com) Disclaimers in Part 1 Part 8/10 Skinner was the first one to get to his side. Mulder was suddenly rocking back and forth in the bed so violently, Skinner feared he would pull out every lifeline that was attached to him. He was also afraid Mulder would injure himself by banging his head and extremities against the bed rails. He grabbed Mulder's hands and tried to hold him still, but the amount of force with which Mulder pushed and pulled against him was tremendous, and Skinner was having a difficult time just maintaining his balance. "Mulder, what's wrong?" he asked loudly, not really expecting an answer. "Walter? What's happening to him?" Maggie asked in an anxious voice. "Should I go find Dana?" asked Bill in an equally nervous tone. "First go get a doctor, Bill," Skinner ordered. Bill Scully was out of the room in a shot. Walter and Maggie watched helplessly as Mulder screamed in obvious agony. They could see his body go into spasms of pain. First his left upper side, and then the pain traveled to his lower left extremities. Next, his right shoulder and arm stiffened noticeably, and then the lower right part of Mulder's body went rigid. The process was excruciatingly long, and Skinner realized that the process seemed to be repeating itself. In addition, in between the pain Mulder had to endure in each quadrant, Mulder also experienced intense pain in his head, neck, stomach, and groin areas, though no one present in the room were all together aware of it. All they knew was Mulder was in the throes of a very real, very painful nightmare. By the time Bill had returned with the doctor and medical support staff in tow, the entire floor was well aware that Mulder was in the middle of a crisis. Doctor Burton noted immediately the tight grip with which Skinner held onto Mulder's wrists so as to prevent him from hurting himself. The doctor wrote down the orders for the Valium, and if that didn't calm him down within ten minutes, he would prescribe Demerol. Dana heard the screaming from the elevator and knew it was Mulder. Intermingled in the loud voices of the adults were the cries of her baby as well, and she wondered how the hell things could go so wrong in such a short period of time. As she entered Mulder's hospital room she saw her mom holding Adam, while Bill now stood on one side of the bed holding down Mulder's wrist and Walter on the other side doing the same. She looked at Mulder and knew he was in the middle of a medical crisis, the likes she'd never seen before. "Mulder?" she called out. "Mulder, I'm here. What's wrong? Oh God, Mulder, talk to me. What's wrong?" Rationally, Dana knew there would be no response to her questions, but the part of her that still believed in miracles felt compelled to ask them anyway. "The Valium should kick in shortly, Mrs. Mulder. If it doesn't, we'll inject the Demerol," informed Doctor Burton. "Why is he screaming like this?" she asked. She was feeling angry and frustrated at this point, because she felt so helpless in her inability to ease her husband's distress and discomfort. "I don't know Mrs. Mulder. We could take him down for another MRI, but in all honesty, I don't think it would show anything. I'll leave that decision up to you." "You wouldn't be able to get a clear picture with him like this anyway, so no, I don't think an MRI is a good idea right now either," Dana agreed. The doctor nodded and as he saw that Mulder was not calming down as quickly as he would have hoped, he put into motion his orders for the dose of Demerol. Within minutes, Mulder's vitals returned to more normal levels, and the doctor informed the family he would stop by in a couple of hours. He was to be paged if there was any significant changes. "Ma_, ma_, ma_, ma_, ma_, ma_," the little boy cried out from his grandmother's arms. Dana reached over to take her son. When she took him into her arms, Adam wrapped himself around his mother's neck tightly. He sniffled some more and then looked up and saw his father in the bed. "Da_, da_, da_," he called out, all the while reaching out towards the man laying in the bed. Dana brought him over to the bed and let him lay down next to his father. Dana actually smiled as she watched her son do his normal routine. He laid face to face with his daddy, and called him once or twice while he gently poked at Fox's face. Dana hoped Mulder would somehow react to their son's sleep time ritual, but when Fox merely laid there drugged into a painless, albeit oblivious sleep, she wasn't surprised. Saddened, but not surprised. "What happened?" she whispered, as she lovingly stroked Mulder's forehead. "I don't know, Dana. He just started screaming, apparently in a good deal of pain," answered Skinner softly. It hurt him to see the Mulders in distress. Especially now, since he'd become so close to Maggie Scully. Things had been going so well for them all, it didn't seem fair that this new crisis should find them. "We brought the doctor in immediately, sweetheart," Maggie said. "I know, Mom. Everyone is doing the best they can," Dana responded. "Even Mulder," she added to herself in a whisper. A new voice made her presence known. "He'll find his way out of this, shayner maydelah. You'll see," Nana said. "Oh Nana, what is happening to him? He can't possibly take much more of this, can he?" Dana implored. "He is strong, Dana. He is being so brave and strong. Yes, sweetheart, he will have to live through some more of the hell those bastards put him through. Not too much more, thank God, but more," Nana responded. "Nana, will he be able to tell us what he had to go through?" Dana asked. "I don't know, maydelah. I think for now it's a miracle he can tell himself." Dana nodded and then turned her eyes back to her husband. Adam was sitting quietly on the bed, playing with one of the toys Uncle Billy had pulled out of the "magic" diaper bag. Everyone sat quietly, wondering when the next memory would pull Mulder back under into his own private purgatory. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The children will be ready to be moved within the next hour or so," remarked the German doctor. "Good. When can I take them home?" asked Bill Mulder. "Home? I didn't say anything about taking them home, Mulder. I said they'll be ready to move. Move to a private room in the clinic. They can't possibly be taken out of the clinic yet," he said with an air of derision. "When will I be able to take them home, then?" he asked with frustration. "Their mother is expecting us back tonight." "No. That will be impossible. They cannot possibly be released from the clinic tonight. Especially the girl. We will be keeping her indefinitely," responded the thin faced, German. "What are you talking about? You can't keep her here without my permission, and I certainly do not grant you my permission!" Mulder retorted indignantly. The round faced Asian man entered the conversation and in an even voice said, "Mr. Mulder, you are under the mistaken impression you are being given a choice. You are not. The female child will remain. The male child will be released tomorrow, but will be monitored on a yearly basis." "You don't understand. I can't go home without my daughter. You cannot expect me to do that. You cannot." At this point, the Morley Man spoke up. "He's right, you know. How would we explain her absence? No, you must send both children home will Bill," he directed. When Bill Mulder heard his friend speak those words, Bill looked at him with grateful eyes. He didn't know how he could ever thank him. Bill could not possibly have just left his daughter. His wife would never have forgiven him. Now if they were to tell him that Fox had to remain, that would have been a different story. They knew from the beginning that Fox was a part of the consortium project's experimental program. The Mulders knew from the child's birth that he would have to be given up for the good of the project probably by the time he reached puberty. Bill Mulder and his wife had been preparing themselves for that day from the moment he was born. They were directed not to become too attached to him, since he was not theirs to keep. Bill Mulder dealt with that directive in the only way he knew how. He took his frustration out on his son and beat him. It was easier to view the boy as a source of blame and displeasure, than to have to consider the fact he agreed to give him up for an uncertain cause. The release he felt each time his fist found the boy's helpless body was addictive. It got to a point where he needed to release his frustrations on a daily basis. His wife simply detached from him. Elizabeth refused to breast feed him and, instead, had the nanny bottle feed him. She took care of the rest of his basic physical needs, but she refused to cross the line and take care of his emotional needs. If she didn't distance herself from him in the beginning, she would never have been able to part with him, and she knew that was unacceptable. So Elizabeth Mulder consciously decided to not love her son. But Samantha was another story entirely. The consortium included her in the project, but as an afterthought. They had informed the Mulders that she was going to be used as a control subject as a measurement against her older brother. That was all, they had promised. There was no need to worry about withholding their love from their little princess. She was safe. She would be with them always. Always. "So when may I take them home?" he asked again. "Tomorrow. You may take them tomorrow," the Asian doctor responded. With that Bill nodded and said he was going out to catch a breath of fresh air. The Morley Man told him he'd join him in a moment. When Bill Mulder was finally out of earshot, the Morley Man looked at the round faced, Asian doctor and said, "We will send them home tomorrow. That will give us time to make appropriate arrangements. Arrangements?" the Asian doctor asked. "Yes. We'll make the necessary arrangements to regain custody once they are back home," the Morley Man replied. "We will come up with a plan that will not lead any law enforcement agency to our path. I believe that should be acceptable?" "That is acceptable." End of part 8/10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Cycles X: Trust by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com) Disclaimers in part 1 Part 9/10 Fox felt himself being lifted up and then seated in a chair. He felt groggy and disoriented but couldn't understand why he felt that way. He had no idea as to where he was, nor where he was being taken. All he knew was he hurt. All over. And he felt some sense of dread, but once again, had no idea why. Suddenly, his thoughts went to that of his sister. "Samantha?" he rasped. His voice was hoarse and his throat, which was very dry, hurt a lot. He called again for his sister. "Sam?" "Fox?" she whimpered. "I wanna go home." "C'mon you two," said a familiar voice. "Your father's going to take you home right now." "Where is my dad?" Fox asked, still unsure as to where __he, himself,__ was. "He's coming around with the car. You two had quite a time of it. You've been in the emergency room the entire night. Food poisoning. You poor kids. Lousy way to spend a night on the town with your old man." Fox realized it was the Morley Man speaking to him. He wasn't sure how much the man said was fact and how much was fiction. All he knew was he felt whipped enough to have had food poisoning. He was more worried about his sister though, because if he felt this badly, he could only imagine how hard it was on her smaller body to handle the food poisoning. "Samantha? Are you feeling all right?" he asked warily. "Just tired. All I want to do is sleep," she replied. "You're not in any kind of pain?" Fox asked. "No. No pain, why? Are you hurting?" she asked anxiously, knowing full well that Fox always seemed to have to endure pain when she didn't. "No__, no, I'm okay Sam. No, I feel fine," he lied. He was actually in a great deal of pain. Every joint, every muscle, every limb felt like it had been hit by a sledgehammer. His face hurt too, but the swelling had been well attended to last night, so his face was barely swollen at the moment. "Fox, I want to go home. I want to see Mommy," she whined. "I'm here, Princess. Come along, let's get in the car so we can go home to see Mommy. Okay, Princess? Come, let Daddy carry you," cajoled Bill Mulder. After he'd placed her in the car, he walked over to where Fox was sitting in a wheelchair. Bill mutely wheeled the chair to the car's rear passenger entrance and told his son to get into to the back seat. As Samantha was seated in the front, Fox would have the luxury of stretching out on the entire back seat, for which he was very grateful. When Fox just sat there, Bill urged him to "Hurry up," in a somewhat agitated voice. "I'm sorry, Dad. Everything hurts. I don't know if I can get up," Fox admitted reluctantly. He knew if his father perceived him as being weak, it would be just one more excuse for his father to beat up on him. "C'mon, I'll help you," Bill replied grudgingly. Bill pulled his son up to a standing position and then pushed the chair out of the way. He then gruffly pushed him into the back seat, to which Fox responded with an involuntary moan. "What's the matter with you, Fox? You're going to scare your sister!" the elder Mulder said angrily. Of course, Bill Mulder also wanted to make sure the boy didn't complain too much to his mother either. Bill was well aware that Samantha and Fox reacted to the hybrid DNA very differently, and he knew that Fox was going to be somewhat uncomfortable for a few days. He did not, however, want to give his wife the impression that the children had suffered from anything more than food poisoning. Bill was most impressed with the cover story his good friend supplied him with. Bill had called Elizabeth last night to tell her they were going to stay in town, since it was so late. When he got home, he would tell her it wasn't until much later that they had to go to the emergency room. The Morley Man also helped him figure out what he would tell Elizabeth when she asked why Bill didn't call to let her know the children were in the hospital. He would say the reason was he knew there was nothing she could do, and the children were going to be released the following morning anyway, so why needlessly upset her? "So Princess, what would you like Daddy to put on the radio for you? You want some pretty music? Let's see what Daddy can find for you." Bill twirled the dial on the am/fm radio until he found some classical music. He turned the volume up rather high, since he realized his daughter was in a deep sleep and wouldn't care, and his son was in the back seat and wouldn't dare complain. As they drove home, Fox laid in the back trying to hold back the moans he felt desperate to release in some small attempt to make himself feel better. He didn't want to give his father a reason to yell at him. He was hurting enough as it was, so it was several minutes before Fox realized his head was now laying on something soft and he felt a gentle rubbing on his back. He couldn't imagine who was comforting him until he recognized the familiar scent of the one person who'd always protected him. "Nana?" he whispered, but the music blared loudly enough to drown out their whispered conversation.. "Yes, sweet boy. Nana is here," she said softly. "Nana, why are you here?" he asked. "Fox, I'm here to help you remember," she responded ever so gently. "Remember? Remember what, Nana?" "Remember last night, sweet boy." "Last night," he began ever so slowly, "last night we had to go to the hospital. Daddy said we had food poisoning," he recalled. "Is that what _you_ remember, shayner boychikel?" she asked. "I don't know. I don't know what I remember, Nana. My head hurts. Everything hurts," he groaned. "Fox, listen to me. You and Samantha did not have food poisoning. Do you understand what I'm saying? You did not have food poisoning. You weren't in a hospital__," she began. "__But Daddy said__," he interrupted. "__Oy, Fox, when did your father ever tell you the full truth on anything?" she retorted in gentle exasperation. "But why would Daddy lie?" he asked nervously, since he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know the answer. "Oh mine sweet boychik, listen to Nana. This is going to be so hard for you, but you have to remember. You must remember now, so you can save yourself later. Please, Fox. Try to remember what they did to you last night," she pleaded. Fox turned over and looked up at his Nana for the first time since he'd realized she was in the car with him. He saw something he'd never recalled seeing before. Tears. Tears on Nana's face. "Nana, why are you crying?" he asked tremulously. "Oh sweet boy, just know that I am here with you. Just know that I will always love you. Always." Fox felt the car slowing down and realized with the passage of time, they were probably near their house. He was going to ask Nana if she could see it, but she was no longer in the car with him. At least Fox didn't see her. He next heard his father gently wake up Samantha, and then heard him say sternly, "We're home, Fox. Now get up and don't worry your mother needlessly. Do you understand?" "Yes, Dad." While Fox struggled to sit up, Bill helped his daughter out of the car. Next, Bill pulled Fox out of the back seat, and warned the boy to behave in front of his mother. "Dad, can I ask a question?" Bill glared at his son, but nodded for him to continue. "How come, if Sam and I both had food poisoning, Sam's just tired, but I feel__," he hesitated here as Fox didn't want to give his father too much ammunition against him, "kind of achy?" "I guess they had to pump more of the poison out of your body. You ate more than she did, don't you remember?" Bill asked tentatively. "Remember? Dad, I can't remember__, Fox began. "__You don't need to remember anything. Just go inside the house, kiss your mother hello, and go to bed. Is that clear?" Bill asked with some ire. "Yes, Sir," the boy said tiredly. Fox began to walk, albeit gingerly, up the path to the front door. He hurt all over. Every step he took made him wince, but he was careful to keep a dead pan face when his mother opened the door. He heard his sister cry out, "Mommy!" and watched her run up the path into her arms. Fox couldn't remember ever being hugged and kissed by his parents the way his sister was hugged and kissed. As he walked up the path, he looked at his mother who in turn merely looked back at him and said, "You look tired, Fox. You should go to bed," and with that she put her arm around his sister and cuddled her as they walked in together. Fox followed behind them and watched as his mother and father tucked Samantha into her bed. Then the boy turned and walked into his own room. He finally allowed himself to moan out loud in pain. Alone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dana jerked up quickly from an unexpected cat nap. She could have sworn she heard something. "Mulder?" she asked hesitantly. She didn't think she could expect a response from him yet or not, but she was quite sure she'd heard something. She heard again what she realized was a deep, throaty moan coming from him. *Oh Mulder,* she thought to herself, *what can I do to help you get through this?* Next she looked around and realized she was alone in the room. Walter and Maggie, as well as her brother and son, were nowhere to be seen. "I guess it's just you and me, Mulder," she said aloud to him. She sat next to him, grasping his hand and alternated between squeezing it and stroking it. She wanted so desperately to connect with him, and to give him the opportunity to connect with her. "Fox, you do know Adam is safe and sound, don't you? And sweetheart," she continued to speak in a soft, soothing voice, "you have to know I never really blamed you for his disappearance. Oh God, Fox, you have to know that I trust you implicitly with our son. There's no one I trust more. I love you Fox Mulder, and I know you love me and Adam with equal ferocity. Please hear me, Mulder. Please believe me. I love you and I trust you with our son's life, always." Dana remained at her husband's bedside, and continued to make the physical connection with her husband by caressing his hand. While she sat quietly, Dana heard someone enter the room. She turned and saw Billy. "Hi, you're awake," he observed. "I came back for Adam's diaper bag. Mom wants to change him." "Oh. Where did you all disappear to?" Dana asked, more out of courtesy than curiosity at this point. "We went down to the cafeteria for a quick bite. You finally allowed yourself to fall asleep, so we grabbed Adam and ran for the hills in the hopes you'd actually get some rest," Bill explained. "How long have you been gone?" Dana asked. "About forty minutes." "Well, then that's about how long I've slept," she replied while stretching her arms up and out. "I just woke up. I heard Mulder moan," Dana replied. Bill looked at his sister pensively. "Dee? Remember last time? Jeeze, of course you remember last time__, what I mean is, specifically, when Mulder was so drugged up he couldn't escape from his dream and I kinda finally talked him out of it__, well, what I mean is, could this be happening to him again? I mean, could it be that he's so damned deep into his nightmares he can't get out of it?" Billy asked with concern. "It very well could be, Bill. In fact, I would guess that's exactly the case. The only difference between last time and this time is when you helped him, the nightmares were drug induced. This time, they were a reaction to a situation that Mulder perceived as threatening to him somehow. He was fully conscious of what was going on until I triggered something in his mind that was so horrible, he felt he needed to recede back into his mind's safety net again. "And now we have to stand by and watch his safety net be pulled out from under him and pray he knows we're all here to catch him when he falls," she responded. "You think he'll fall hard, Dee?" Bill asked. "Yeah, Bill. I think he's gonna fall like a rock, but we'll catch him, Adam and I. We'll catch him." "Dee, we'll all be right behind you, okay?" he comforted. "Yeah, Bill. We'd like that," she answered. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "What are you talking about?" Elizabeth shouted. "What the hell are you talking about?" "Elizabeth, calm down. I told you, it was just food poisoning!" Bill disputed. "So why is Fox still doubled over in pain. The child doesn't think I notice, but I do, Bill. He shouldn't still be so ill. It's been way too long." Elizabeth then pointed toward the Morley Man and in an accusatory tone declared, And then _he_ comes along and says they have to go back for a check up? C'mon, Bill. You obviously think I'm an idiot, but I'm not. I won't agree to this, Bill. They want to take both of them, don't they? Well, we didn't agree to that. "All these years, I've lived with the fact that Fox would be taken from us one day," she wailed, "but Bill, not both of them!" She looked at Bill and then at his companion. Both men realized she knew perfectly well what the situation was, and both men realized they would have to do what they needed to do. Bill Mulder was informed the previous morning that his daughter Samantha would have to be turned over to the consortium projects research laboratory for further study. When asked why they didn't take Fox as previously planned, he was informed the boy was not project material, and since his genetic makeup was not compatible with the hybrid DNA, he was, indeed, expendable merchandise. The girl, however, showed a surprisingly high compatibility level with the hybrid DNA, and was needed for further research analysis. Bill was informed he and Elizabeth had no choice in the matter. The consortium would retrieve the girl in any way necessary to ensure the continuation of the research project and the acquisition of the data. Death was a very definite option. "Elizabeth! Stop this nonsense now. You know we don't have a choice," shouted Bill. "How could it not be Fox? Damn you, it was supposed to be the boy. I prepared myself for it to be Fox. It was supposed to be him! It was supposed to be Fox__! Damn you! How could you do this? How could you lose my baby?" Elizabeth screamed over and over a tortured voice. "Fox! I'm scared! What are they yelling about, Fox?" sobbed Samantha. "I don't know, Sam, but I'll protect you. I promise, I'll save you," he comforted with the brave bravado that only twelve year old older brothers were capable of displaying. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I__, sa'e you__, I p'om-is sssam_, I sa'e you, ssam," Mulder mumbled over and over again. Maggie, Walter and Adam were back in the room with Dana and Billy when Mulder began talking aloud, though he remained unresponsive to outside stimuli. Dana reached over to him, while Maggie stood up and tried to give her daughter and son-in-law support. "Mom, I'm so scared for him," Dana whispered. "I think he's remembering Sam's abduction. Oh God, I'm so scared for him." "Dana Katherine, if any person can come out of this crisis a whole person again, it is your husband. Sweetheart, don't you understand? He has spent his entire life coping with a childhood trauma that would have had most people locked away in a rubber room if they'd have had to endure it! Do you understand what I'm saying? "Dana, he's a survivor. He's been a survivor for the last 26 years, so why should now be any different? Have faith in him, Dana," Maggie begged her daughter. "Oh Mom, I do have faith in him. The question is, will he have faith in himself?" she asked. End of Part 9/10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Cycles X: Trust by Susan Proto (STPteach@aol.com) Disclaimers in Part 1 Part 10/10 Fox felt himself go numb, as he watched his sister lifted out the window. He couldn't tell how it was being done, since he was literally blinded by the light that enveloped the room. He tried calling for help. He called out to her, "Samantha! Samantha!" He heard her call for him, "Fox! Save me!" He called out to her again, "Samantha! Samantha!" Fox felt a pair of hands on his shoulders, and they were shaking him vigorously. "Fox, wake up. Fox! You're dreaming. For God's sake, you'll disturb the entire neighborhood. Wake up!" He was sitting up in his bed and opened his eyes to see his father sitting on the bed with him, his hands cupping Fox's shoulders firmly. "Dad?" he whispered. "Where's Sam?" "In her bed. Where else would she be?" he asked, exasperated with his son's constant stream of questions. "For crying out loud, Fox, it's very late, and I'm very tired. Go back to sleep." "Okay, Dad. I'm sorry I woke you," he said. "Dad?" "No more questions, Fox. Go to sleep!" Bill Mulder commanded and then turned on his heels and left the bedroom. The next morning, Fox woke up to find his sister in the kitchen eating her sugar pops cereal. When he saw her, Fox rushed over to the table and gave her a big hug. "What's that for?" she asked, giggling. "I'm just glad to see ya, that's all," was the boy's reply. His mother walked into the kitchen and saw her son sitting with his arm around his sister's shoulders. "I see you're up. I wanted to let you know your father and I are going out for a little while tonight after dinner, Fox. You will stay home and watch your sister." "Where you going, Mommy?" asked the little girl. "Just next door, sweetheart. We're going to play some cards. You don't mind staying home with your brother, do you?" she asked with a definite hitch in her voice. "No, but tell him he's gotta play with me, Mommy," Samantha said. "Fox, you have to be nice to your sister. You have to watch her and protect her. Do you understand?" Elizabeth said softly. "Yeah, Mom. You know I always watch her when you tell me to. God! When are you going to learn to trust me?" the pre-teen asked in frustration! Then he looked up and Fox's eyes met his mother's stare. "Mom, are you okay?" he asked seriously. "I'm fine," was her simple reply. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Dana, can you hear me?" asked Nana. "Nana? What time is it?" Dana asked. "I honestly don't know. Strange how time is of such little consequence to me now. But maydelah, I need to warn you. Fox is going to go through a difficult time very soon." "Why, Nana?" "Samantha. Samantha's disappearance," was her succinct reply. "I'm going to be with him, but you must be sure to anchor him too. He needs to be reminded how much you love him, shayner maydelah. He needs to be told you will never leave him, no matter how inadequate _he_ may think he is. Can you do this for him, sweet girl? Can you do this for you and Adam?" As Dana nodded her head, she watched Nana shimmering presence disappear into the darkness. Dana knew this would be the most difficult journey Fox would ever have to take into his past. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill and Elizabeth Mulder did indeed go next door to play canasta, but not before both parents stopped to give Samantha a long hug and tender kiss good-bye. Fox realized his father probably looked upon him as too old to receive hugs and kisses from him, though in all honesty, Fox would have welcomed them. What frustrated Fox was his mother's hesitancy in bestowing a peck on his cheek and a quick squeeze of his shoulder that constituted a hug. As he watched his parents lavish their love and affection on his little sister, he felt just slightly envious. He did, however, love his sister very much and would never begrudge her the demonstrations of affection that he never received. They were playing Stratego, and once again Fox was letting Sam win. She always lined her bombs up in the same pattern, every time, so it was no wonder he could predict her moves and his moves well in advance. No matter how many times he told her not to do it that way, she always did, figuring, she'd say, that maybe this one time he would think she did line them up differently. But he never liked to discourage her, and she was improving, so maybe in couple of months she'd be able to win legitimately. He looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 9:00. "The Magician" with Bill Bixby was going to start in a few minutes and he got up just as Samantha changed the television station. "Samantha, turn it back." "Why?" "'The Magician' is coming on in a few minutes and I'm going to watch it," he replied confidently. "Well I don't want to watch that and Mommy and Daddy said you have to watch me and play with me," she whined in her typical 8 year old fashion. "Sam, change it, now," he said firmly. "Butt Munch," she retorted. "Sam, knock it off! I mean it. Now change__," Fox began, but was interrupted by a loud noise at the front door. He heard Samantha scream in fear, and he realized he'd even yelled out loud. "Fox?! Fox, help me!" she called to him. Fox looked all around, but found himself blinded by the powerful light that flooded the entire room. He was very frightened because he felt as though he'd lived through this before. His dream. The boy realized the dream that had awakened him last night was being duplicated tonight. He began breathing very quickly, and knew he was going to hyperventilate if he didn't calm himself quickly. "Samantha! Samantha!" he cried out to her. He looked around and saw tall, dark silhouettes of eerie beings walking around the room. Fox didn't understand who these people were, nor what they wanted from him and his sister, but he knew he was supposed to be watching and protecting her. He ran to the closet to get his father's gun, and while standing on a chair he reached for it on the top shelf. Suddenly, he lost his balance and fell, and lost the gun in the process. It was then Fox saw him. The Morley Man. Fox watched as the smoking bastard picked his sister up so tenderly, almost reverently, and handed her over to a man with a round face. An Asian man. And then he heard a voice, that of a man with a German accent and he turned and saw it was the man with the thin face. Finally, he watched as another man, one who did not speak, but whose face was someone Fox recognized and would never forget. Nor would Fox ever forget something else from that man. His touch. It was that man who touched him and made his body respond in a way that it had never done before. The boy was so ashamed of what had happened to him. He was so frightened that it was going to happen again. He froze. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He couldn't respond, for fear that the man would touch him again. He watched as they took his sister, but the lights were so bright and the shadows played tricks on Fox's mind. He saw the men and then he saw something else. An elongated figure stood at the doorway. Fox wanted desperately to call out to it, but he remained frozen in his spot. All of sudden he saw the figure move toward him, and he reached down to touch his head. Fox finally found his voice and rasped out, "Samantha." The figure, so unlike anything Fox had ever seen before, stroked his forehead and let him know Samantha was going away, but that she would be unharmed. The boy couldn't quite figure out how he was told this for he saw the figure neither move a mouth, nor did Fox actually hear the sound of a voice. But the boy did understand, and though he was petrified of the men standing about in the room, he was not frightened of this creature. He almost felt safe with this unknown being nearby. Protected. Until he left, and then terror struck the adolescent again as the male attendant moved closer to him. The round faced Asian man directed the male attendant to administer the injection. "Do it now." The attendant rolled the boy over and lowered his pants. He swabbed the boys buttocks with an alcohol swab and then injected the drug to erase whatever actual memories the boy would have of the night. Fox, meanwhile, was beginning a full blown panic attack when the attendant pulled down Fox's pants. The boy feared he was going to be subject to another session of fondling, and he was petrified. He breathed so quickly he did begin to hyperventilate, and soon, he passed out. The drug also went to work quickly in erasing his memories, but it didn't matter at that point. The child could no longer face the horrors he was subjected to. He had listened and watched his sister cry out in fear and pain, and now had seen her lifted out of the room and taken from him. He was supposed to have protected her. She was supposed to have been safe with him. But he froze. He was afraid. He couldn't move to save her. He couldn't do anything. He'd lost her. He'd lost her. He'd lost her because he wasn't good enough. He was never good enough. He never deserved the affection of his mother and father. He never deserved the hugs and kisses they'd bestowed upon his sister. He never deserved to be his sister's protector, since he was too weak. He never deserved his family's love, because he was dirty. He allowed the man to touch him intimately and, the worse thing was, he responded to the man's touch. He never deserved to be the one left behind. It should have been him. It was always supposed to be him, but he wasn't good enough, nor smart enough, nor worthy enough to even be loved by his parents. They reminded him of that fact every day of his life. And now the Morley Man and his cohorts confirmed it. Fox Mulder was not worthy of being loved by anyone. He was not only expendable merchandise, he was damaged goods. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "NO!" cried out Nana. "No, Fox, you are worthy. It was never you who was at fault sweet boy. Never you." "I lost her, Nana. I couldn't save her. They're going to come home and ask me why I lost her, and I can't tell them. I can't," he gasped. "Fox, you didn't lose her. They _took_ her from you. Please, shayner boychikel, you have to listen to me. You have to really hear what I am telling you. They _took_ her from you. You didn't lose her. You would have protected her with your life if you could have, but they took something else from you, Fox. They took your innocence," she said softly. "Nana, I didn't want him__," Fox began. "__Oy, sweet boy, shaaahh__." she began. "You don't need to defend yourself to me. Don't ever feel as though you have to defend yourself to anyone. _You_ did no wrong, my grandson, mine beautiful aynekel." The tears cascaded down Nana's cheeks as she tried desperately to help her grandson maintain a grasp on reality. The problem with that was he needed to face that reality too, and it was a frightening truth he needed to realize. "I love you, shayner boychikel. I have always loved you and I will always love you, with all of my heart. But now it's time, sweet Fox, now it's time to go home. You can't find solace in mine kitchen anymore sweet boy. It's time to find comfort in the truth. "The truth that is now your family. Oy, Fox. You have so many people who _do_ care for you so much," she implored. "Who loves me besides you, Nana?" the man asked in a child's voice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Everyone's head in the room jerked toward the sound of the voice. It was the first time a coherent sentence was emitted from Fox Mulder's mouth in the last forty-eight hours. The sound was so incongruent with the body that formed it. It was so innocent and childlike, it took their breaths away. As Dana looked at her seemingly sleeping husband, she realized that Nana was presenting herself again. She stood near Mulder's bed and gently stroked his head and held his hand. "Your family loves you, Fox, that's who," she responded to his question. "Mommy doesn't love me, Nana. Daddy doesn't love me, and Samantha__, oh God, Nana! Samantha is gone. She's the only one who__," he began to cry. "__Fox! But she's not the only one. Fox you have a new family now. Listen to me, your new family loves you. Please, mine boychikel, you have to let yourself believe this." Nana motioned for Dana to hold Fox's hands. She nodded to her, and indicated it was time for her to take over. "Mulder?" she began tentatively. "Mulder, it's me, Scully. Oh Mulder," she now moaned, "I love you. Do you hear me? I've always loved you and I always will love you. You're my husband, you're my lover, and you're my best friend. Fox, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if you weren't here to share my life. "Mulder, you're also the father of our son. Oh Sweetheart, Adam misses his daddy. Adam loves you, Fox. I love watching the love on his face when he sees you. Please Mulder, believe me. Believe," Dana sobbed. Maggie walked over to the bed, when she saw her daughter break down. "Fox," she began, now taking his hand in one of hers while stroking his cheek with the other, "it's me, Maggie. Mom. Oh, baby, do you know when I first started to love you? When you tried to give me Dana's cross after her abduction, and I told you to hold on to it. You didn't argue, you didn't protest. You merely took it and held on to it until she was returned. I loved you from that moment, Fox Mulder, as if you were my own. "And what was even more wonderful? You let me love you. You needed me to love you, and I reveled in it. When all of my children grew up and left the nest, they would protest at my attempts of mothering. It hurt. I understood, mind you, but it still hurt. And then you came along and allowed me to do what none of my other children needed me to do. I loved you and mothered you, and you let me. And I love you for that, dear, dear Fox. "And I love you for making my daughter so, so happy. And I love you for making my beautiful grandson, Adam. I love you Fox Mulder. I love you my son," Maggie declared. Walter rose from his seat and stood by Maggie. "Mulder," his voice cracked. Skinner took a deep breath and began again. "Mulder, when I first met you I thought you were going to drive me to distraction. I thought you would probably cause my entire division to be shut down, with me the first to go! But Mulder," he paused again to collect himself, "I had always admired you, and respected you. I'd always regarded you with the highest esteem. "But Mulder," he halted. Walter Skinner was about to open himself up to this entire family, and he hoped he had the guts to do it. "Mulder, ever since you invited me to be a part of your life, when I was your best man at your wedding, I have come to care for you beyond our professional lives. "Mulder, I think of you as one of my closest friends. You are privy to things about me that no one else has ever known. Mulder, you're an important part of my life. I don't want to lose you, my friend. Please, Fox, I don't want to lose you." Skinner placed his hand over Maggie's and Mulder's. Maggie leaned over and gave Walter a gentle kiss, and then wiped the tears from his face. "Umm, can I say something?" asked a reticent Billy Scully. Dana looked at Bill and motioned for him to come over. He was holding Adam in his arms, possibly as a shield of sort, but more likely as security. "Mulder, I know you and I have had our differences in the past. I feel real bad about what had happened between us. I never thought of myself as a bad person before the fight, ya know? But that whole incident made me realize I wasn't the man my daddy wanted me to be. "Mulder, you're the kind of man my dad would have wanted in a son. You gotta believe me, when I tell you that my father would have welcomed you into this family with open arms. I was an idiot, Mulder, for not seeing that in the first place. All I saw was green, and my foolish jealousy almost cost me a very good brother-in-law. "Mulder, I'm holding my nephew here. You and my sister are responsible for creating one of the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. He's a good little boy, Mulder. He deserves to have both a mother and a father to love him, like how you want to be loved, right? C'mon Mulder. Come back and love your son, and let him have the chance to love you." Bill then gently placed his nephew into the hospital bed with his father. Adam looked at his mother and grandmother, as well as his Walter and his uncle. He then looked at his father. He was beginning to wonder if his Daddy was ever going to wake up from his nap. It was going on too long, and Adam missed him a lot. "Da_. Da_, Da_, Da_," he called. *Wake up, Daddy! I wanna play with you. I wanna go home and watch Sesame with you. I wanna go home and climb on your back and listen to you make horsey sounds. *Daddy, wake up! I want you to buy me a big toy, so we can play in the box. I wanna cuddle next to you and listen to you read me a story. *Please, wake up Daddy! I wanna hold you. I want you to hold me. I wanna dance with you, Daddy. I wanna family hug, Daddy. *Wake up, Daddy. I love you, Daddy. I love you.* "Da_, Da_, Da_, Da_, DA!" Adam finally screamed. "What?" asked a startled and groggy Mulder. "What's wrong, Adam?" "Da!" giggled the baby, who promptly began crawling all over his now conscious father. "Oh, Adam?" Mulder's throat was sore and his throat hurt. His voice sounded strange to himself, and he was desperate for something to drink. "Welcome back, Mulder," said Scully, with a huge smile on her face, as she placed the straw into his mouth. Mulder sipped the cool water while he looked carefully at his wife. He was still foggy on what was going on, but he knew something important had just happened to him. He just wasn't, for the life of him, sure as to what it was. "Dane? Dane, what's going on? Where are we?" he asked curiously, but with some trepidation as well. "Mulder, you're in the hospital. We've been here for two days straight waiting for you to come back to us," Dana explained. "But why? How did I get hurt?" he asked totally confused. "Mulder," Dana asked cautiously, "do you remember what happened while we were at the mall?" "The mall?" "Yes, my love. Remember? We went so I could buy you your birthday gift, and you__," she started to explain. "__took Adam so you could get the present. I was watching Adam, but I looked away for a minute, and he was gone. Oh God, I lost Adam!" he cried out. "Mulder, no! Look, Adam's here, sweetheart! Look, he's right here with you!" she reassured. "Adam? Oh God, Adam, I'm so sorry." He reached over for the toddler and held him to his body. He began murmuring comforting words, though it was obvious the baby was in no need of comfort, and that it was Mulder who needed it most of all. "I'm so sorry," he repeated over and over. "Da_," Adam said with a big smile, and then the baby leaned forward and spontaneously planted a delicious, wet, baby kiss on his face. "Yeah, I love you too," answered the father to his son. "We all love you, Mulder," Dana said. "Dane? I think I'm starting to remember some things. About what happened. I_, I_, I don't know__," he began haltingly. "Mulder, you are remembering things that happened when you were a child, and some of it was very scary," she acknowledged. "Yeah," he said as held onto his son as one might hold onto a teddy bear for comfort. "How do you know?" "We've had regular updates from a very special lady, Mulder," she replied. "Nana." It was a statement, not a question. "Yes, Nana." Dana looked at her husband with as much compassion and love as she could. "Mulder, you're going to need to talk about this with someone. I don't care whether it's me or if it's someone else, but you will need to talk about this aloud with someone to help you find your way all the way home. This is not an option, Fox. It's a necessity," she stated firmly. "Oh boy. When you say 'Fox' in that tone, I _know_ you're in 'pit bull' mode, and I won't have a choice, will I?" he said with a slight smile. "No, you won't. Ruff," she teased in agreement. "Okay, Dane. Whatever you say. Now, when can I go home?" he asked. "I suppose we should notify the doctor you've finally come back to the land of the conscious," Dana said. "I'll go to the nurse's station and let them know. The doctor will probably want to give you the once over, Mulder," posed Skinner. "I'll walk over with you," said Maggie. "Welcome back, Fox," and with that she bent down and kissed him tenderly on the forehead. "Thanks, Mom. And Walter?" Walter Skinner turned to face Mulder. "Walter, thank you too, for what you said. I'm very proud you consider me your friend." "You heard all that?" Walter asked somewhat surprised. "Yeah, I did. I heard a lot of things, but I'm having a tough time making sense out of it all," Mulder replied. "Soon, shayner boychikel, that will happen soon enough," said Nana. "Nana, you're here," Mulder said with a smile. "Nu? Where else would I be when mine aynekel needs me?" She took his hand into hers and brought it up to her lips for a gentle kiss. "And besides," Nana continued as she pointed towards Walter and Maggie, "someone has to get those two moving closer to taking their vows! I'm not gonna be around forever, you know?" "You're not? Could have fooled me, Nana," Walter retorted with mirth in his voice. "You know, Walter? You're right! I'll be around as long as my family needs me, if that's all right with you, mine Fox," Nana asked tenderly. "Yes, Nana. I think I'll always need you. Is that okay with you?" he asked quietly. "Always, mine shayner boychik. Always." End of Part 10/10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Comments and feedback to: STPteach@aol.com