Walking Patient at Zero Point By Emily Sim redartangel@yahoo.ca Rated: Mature Thanks to: xdks, foxxy, tali for beta above and beyond! You gals' rock! Disclaimer: they're not mine, the characters belong to CC & Fox and no money has passed hands. Part One Sunday Evening Scully sat back on the Pullman, dizzy from watching the carousel rotate in front of her. She was exhausted. If the case they had been on had sapped most of her physical strength, then the trip to San Diego had taken care of any emotional reserves she may have had left over. She had been looking forward to the downtime Skinner promised and had just managed to unpack when the call came from her mom. Bill and Tara's newest bundle of joy, Sarah Margaret had come into the world, via C-section, at a whopping 10 lbs 4 oz. It was almost too much for Tara's small frame, and the birth, difficult and long, had left her weakened and on forced bed rest. Maggie had been first to answer her son's distress call, but after two weeks was overwhelmed by the family's needs. Scully had found herself, a scant three hours after arriving home on one plane, making arrangements to get right back on another to render assistance. Dana couldn't say no to her mom when Margaret confessed that a toddler, a fussy newborn, an exhausted mom, and Bill Jr. was too much for her alone. The time had gone slowly; facing mutants or aliens would have been easier. She was convinced the aliens would have had more sense than her brother when it came to relating to her. How someone who was supposed to love her could be such an ass, was beyond her understanding. This time Tara, bedridden, was unable to run interference, and her mom just wasn't up to acting as referee after playing grandma all day. There had been no Mulder to provide an escape route this time around. With her gone for two weeks, Skinner had kept him busy working with the BSU, finishing up a case and working with two agents new to the unit. In a way, she was glad he wasn't there. She wouldn't have wanted him to know how difficult the trip was for her and the total exhaustion she felt made it hard to hide. She watched as the same luggage made another trip around. Mulder should forget about investigating lights in the sky and put that nimble brain of his to work investigating the luggage holds at airports. This was why she always tried to pack a small bag that fitted in the overhead bin. There just hadn't been the time to plan for this trip. She had literally thrown everything she had, including the clothes she hadn't had time to wash, into two bags. It had seemed the easiest thing to do at the time, with the rush to get to San Diego. Well, easy was deceiving at best. She pulled herself up off her makeshift seat, popped the handle up and made her way over to the Continental Airlines luggage counter, baggage claim check in hand. . It had been at least fifteen minutes since anything new had come down the chute and her ass was numb. The Agent's wide smile, showcasing pearly white teeth, only served to piss her off a little more. "Can I help you, Miss?" Scully tried to remind herself that the woman was just doing her job. She slapped the claim ticket down on the counter. "My luggage doesn't seem to be appearing. I'm tired and I want to go home. Can I leave you my address and have you drop it off when it decides to make an appearance?" The young woman opened her mouth to speak, closing it quickly when she saw the determined look on Scully's face. "That will be fine, Miss. If I could just have you fill in this form we'll take care of it for you." As quickly as possible, Scully completed the form, handed it and the claim check over, and hurried out to hail a cab. She wasn't expecting Mulder to pick her up and it was just as well. He would probably have some case he'd been sitting on and she wasn't up to listening to his enthusiastic ramblings tonight, nor was she keen on being dragged back out after just arriving home. All she wanted to do was get home and collapse into bed. There would be time enough to rehash the nightmare San Diego had become tomorrow, and ample time to figure out what she needed to do. ***** Monday Morning Somewhere, someone was calling to her, telling her a cat was stuck on the roof - no, not a cat, a car, stalled. Hazy images floated and were scattered when a drum roll interrupted. With a start, Scully was pulled abruptly from a restless sleep. She reached frantically, looking to hit the snooze button as she realized the voices invading her dreams came from the clock radio. Her eyes felt dry, gritty, and she was hot and sweaty. The covers were twisted around her legs, making it hard for her to kick them and allow the cooler air to circulate. She actually felt worse than before she went to bed, groaning when the radio came on again. If she didn't get up now, she would be rushing to get to work on time. She managed to extract herself from the covers and rolled herself up, feeling like she hadn't slept in years. She stumbled to the shower, and as the spray worked its magic and cleared the cobwebs, she realized Mulder hadn't called since she got back. Now that she thought about it, his calls had been rather scarce the past two weeks. She had been far too busy with Tara and the kids to notice - hell, she fell into bed exhausted and then got up to help with the night feedings. Who knew a baby needed to eat every two hours? Her mom said it had something to do with how big Sarah was, but she wasn't entirely convinced Bill hadn't put her up to it. She knew that really wasn't fair, but she was still pissed off at her brother. That whole fiasco at the officer's club - she did not want to think about that right now. A sharp rap at her door interrupted her thoughts as she grabbed her robe and opened the door to find a Continental employee with her wayward luggage in tow. Perhaps the day wouldn't be so bad, after all. ****** When Scully entered the Hoover building, a light rain was just beginning. The air was cool and most of the trees had dropped their leaves. Fall was making way for winter and it wouldn't be long before she needed to pull out warmer clothes. She made a mental note to make sure she gave her winter coat an airing. Eau de mothball was not a fragrance she wanted to be known for. She sighed and pushed the button that would take her down to the basement. She might as well find out what Mulder had planned for them first thing. Heaven help him if he had them on something that would take them out of town. She didn't think she would survive another plane trip right now, never mind the two suitcases of laundry to do. Shit. It just occurred to her that she hadn't taken the time to remove her suits from the bag dropped off this morning. She looked down at the beige one she had pulled on and groaned, remembering what her choices would be until her regular suits were dry- cleaned. Ugh, she could just imagine that dry-cleaning bill. Scully dropped the briefcase on the table that served as her desk, pulling out the pictures she had brought with her. She ran her finger around each tiny toe, bright pink in colour, and was taken back to the one perfect afternoon. After putting the baby down, her mom had gone for a short nap, leaving her to get Matthew down for his. He wasted no time letting his Auntie Day know he was having none of it. 'No nigh nigh', he pleaded. The baby decided at that moment that she concurred, and Dana found herself perched at the kids' picnic table, set up in the back yard, with paint and paper. It was Matthew's idea to do foot prints and soon there were various coloured paintings scattered around, drying in the sun. Even the baby co-operated and she was kicking her pink stained feet happily when Maggie awoke two hours later. Scully knew, without any words passing between the two women, what her mom was thinking. She entreated her, with her eyes, not to say anything. With a brief nod, her mom acquiesced. It was, somehow, much easier to deal with Bill's belligerent attitude than her mom's quiet sadness over her infertility. She found a spot, between the 'Pig Man' picture and the 'Are Aliens Among Us?' article to pin the two pictures. She stood back, eyeing their placement. They looked a little odd, the bright colours standing out against all the black and white, but somehow they fit. She turned back to her briefcase and pulled out her notes from the last case. The report had long been done, but Mulder liked to keep everything; all the originals, even the scribbled notes they made during the course of an investigation. She had seen him take some small, obscure comment, essentially just a rambling thought, from one case and use it to link to another. His leaps of logic, the connections he managed to make, were worthy of being designated an X File. And speaking of Mulder, she checked her watch and then glanced at the clock on the wall. He still hadn't made an appearance and she wasn't sure if she should be glad for the quiet time or worried he was in trouble. She found the file, dropped in her notes, and closed her laptop. Maybe Skinner would know where he was. ****** Mulder pushed the door to their office open with one hand while juggling coffee in the other. A bag hung from his mouth, clenched between his teeth, and his laptop case was making a deliberate slide down his arm. He managed to dump it all on his desk just as the laptop was about to land on the floor. He took in the signs that told him Scully had made it in, sighing with relief. Two weeks without her, with limited phone time, had just about killed him. Several times he'd had to stop from making a late night phone call. He wasn't so concerned with waking her, as he was with Bill Jr.'s reaction if he should happen to intercept the call. The time spent with the BSU had dragged, not even the two rookies he had assigned to him held his attention. Surprising, considering one of them was a walking wet dream and had no reservations about letting him to know she'd say yes if he'd been interested. He was settled back in his chair, content to wait for her arrival, when the phone rang. "Yeah." "Agent Mulder?" "Speaking." "Uh, Agent Mulder, it's Bill here." "Bill?" "Yeah." "Bill?" "Scully, Bill Scully." "Uh, is everything okay?" "Well, actually, I was wondering if you had some time today?" "Time?" "Yeah, time. As in, do you have time to meet me?" Okay, that sounded a little more like Bill. Mulder glanced at his partner's empty desk. "Uh, sure. Is something wrong, Bill?" "I have something I need to talk to you about." Bill's cryptic remark had Mulder in full alarm mode, and he could hear the panic in his own voice when he responded. "You want to talk to me? Is Scully - Dana - okay, Bill? Is she injured? Did something happen?" Shit, he was coming across like a paranoid freak. "Nah, nothing like that. I just need to ask you some things, maybe talk a bit. I've got a couple of days here, and I was hoping to maybe manage lunch or a drink after work if you can't get away." Mulder breathed a sigh of relief. Bill may be an asshole, but if Scully had been hurt or ill during her stay someone would have contacted him. "Sure, either would be fine. What's good for you?" Mulder crossed his fingers for the beer-after-work option. He wanted to let Bill have control, but knew the man would be far easier to take with a couple of drinks in him. How about an early dinner and beer?" Mulder checked his watch. "As long as it's after 4:00 I'm good." "That'd be fine. I'm at the Naval Yard." "There's a place called the Capital Lounge. It's on Pennsylvania, not too far from where you are. How about we meet there?" "I think I know it. Sure. See you around 4:00 then." "Sure, Bill." "Thanks, Agent Mulder." As he hung up, Mulder realized he had spent the entire call with his fist clenched, waiting for the moment Bill would tell him the courtesy was faked and he was coming after him for messing up his sister's life. He sat down, deep in thought, wondering what the hell Bill needed to talk to him about that concerned Scully. He had respected her wishes when she had left for San Diego, resisting the urge to contact her, accepting her need for space. Now he wondered if he had given her too much space. ******* Scully sighed as she waited for the elevator to make its slow decent to the bowels of the building. Skinner, though glad to see her, seemed to be acting a little strange. He gave her a funny look she couldn't quite place. He hadn't heard from Mulder yet, but that wasn't so unusual. Kimberly, always the consummate professional, had actually given her a smug smirk and suggested she try Agent Murphy's office. She wasn't sure who Agent Murphy was, but felt certain the agent was a she, and probably buxom, shapely, and young. She hoped their odd behaviour wasn't due to her partner and that Mulder hadn't done anything to embarrass either of them while she was gone. The elevator lurched to a stop on the fourth floor, admitting Tom Colton. She buried her nose in the file she held, hoping it would keep her from having to talk to him. When she heard him chuckle she knew she wasn't going to be able to ignore him. "Dana. Welcome back." She knew his use of her first name, oily with that annoying lilt at the end, was a deliberate attempt to establish rank, not that Colton had anything on her. In his mind, being on any floor above the basement gave him status over her. She chose to ignore it. "Thanks, Agent Colton." "Going all formal on me, are you? Still hiding out with the Spookster?" "Agent Mulder and I are still working the X-Files, if that's what you're asking, Tom." He snickered. "I hear Agent Murphy misses him already. You ought to let the guy out to play more often, Dana, untie the apron strings once in a while." "You're an ass, Tom. The doors opened on the main level and Colton exited, but not before he threw a sneering smile her way. "You're just jealous you're not getting any these days. And you look like shit, Dana. You should get out while you still can." Her 'fuck you' was lost in the echo of the closing doors. Tom Colton was just a little man with a little brain, probably a little penis too. The thought prompted a smug smile, helping her feel marginally better. As she got closer, she heard recognizable sounds telling her Mulder was in the office. She stood outside the door for a moment, listening, allowing the familiarity to soothe her. She was glad to be back. This was her world and she desperately needed the comfort it brought her. Colton's words had unsettled her more than she wanted to admit. She felt awful, and even though she didn't give a whit what he thought about her, it hurt to have a colleague treat her like that. She pushed the door open, glad to hear the creak in the hinges. "Hey, you." Mulder spun around, his chair tipping precariously. "Hey - Scully." The brief pause was enough to tell her that Colton may have been more than a little right. Although he quickly covered his stumble with a smile, his eyes told a different story. She needed to get to a bathroom and see what the hell everyone else seemed to see, what she managed to miss while getting ready this morning. "Back in a sec, Mulder." She rushed to the washroom, pausing for a moment before lifting her eyes to her image in the mirror. This is ridiculous, Dana. The lighting didn't help, but even allowing for the garishness of the fluorescents, her skin was sallow, drawn, and there were grey circles under her eyes that makeup didn't hide very well. The choice of suit didn't help. The beige just added to the blandness of the pale palette. She should have grabbed her purse with her makeup before she came in here. Mulder had seen her worse, and she knew he would never make the same crass comments Tom did. She headed back to the office. No wonder Tara always looked so frazzled. Whatever, she needed to be here today, needed the grounding that came with knowing her place, her job. When she guessed he'd had enough time to pull himself together she headed back. They were both very good at pretending everything was just fine. Today, she really needed that. ******** Mulder spent much of the day watching her closely, staring for as long as he dared, trying to read, through her body language, what Bill might need to tell him. She looked ill, worn out, but the pace she had kept up for the last four weeks could easily explain it. He knew her last cancer check-up had been clear. Unbeknownst to her, the guys had set up an alert system on the off chance the test came back positive. He rationalized the invasion of privacy in light of her secretiveness when she was ill. He knew she'd kill him if she ever found out. "Mulder?" "Hmm." Better make sure he warned Frohike again to keep it just between them. It didn't hurt to remind him every so often. "Mulder. You're staring. Do I have something on my face?" Pulled from his own thoughts, he shook his head. "Sorry. Do you have the original tox screen results for the Barker case?" The movement between thoughts was seamless, giving no clues as to where his mind had wandered. "They're right there, Mulder." She pointed to the papers in front of him. "Oh. Sure." He laughed softly. "Whatever." Just under her breath, but she knew he heard it. "Listen, I am still jet-lagged, exhausted actually. Would you mind if I headed out early? I put the notes I had in the file and I fixed the items on the expense reports that Skinner sent back down." "I think we could both cut out a bit early today. I just have to finish up here and send it over to Murphy and Jones." He looked back up to find Scully staring at him. "What?" "I heard all about Agent Murphy." "Whatever you heard, it isn't true." "Rather quick on the denial, Mulder." It was an effort to keep it light. She really didn't mean anything by it, just intending to tease him, but it fell flat. She was too tired for verbal gymnastics today. "Sorry. I really am tired." "Why don't you head home? There isn't much here. If anything comes up I can call. Skinner said BSU might call me back to finish up a few things, so I don't expect we'll be taking anything on in the next couple of days. Go, get some rest Scully." "Thanks. I think I will." She tucked her laptop into the case and grabbed her jacket. "See you tomorrow, Mulder." "Sweet dreams, Scully." The door closed softly behind her. ******* Monday Evening Scully fell back against her tub pillow. She had given up trying to find anything appetizing to eat and had retreated to her haven. Hot water, a glass of white wine, a few scented candles, and the relaxation she craved was quick in coming . The last month had drained any energy reserves she'd had, and the night at the officer's club had stripped away the emotional barriers she erected so carefully when dealing with Bill. He could be such a prick sometimes. For whatever reason, he was at his worst when he was trying his hardest to be the caring older brother. Or perhaps it had been so long since she had enjoyed any kind of a normal relationship with him that it set up a chain reaction when he attempted to treat her like an adult. Okay, she was being generous. Bill liked to make it look like he was attempting to treat her as an adult. He was a master at skirting the line. Though he really did make an attempt to be nice to her, Bill had been just slightly less than an ass for the first few days. Then the comments began. Comments with regard to her job, her partner, her lack of a husband, the man just hadn't known when to stop. It took upsetting Tara to the point of tears one night to get him to back off and behave. With his mouth shut, it seemed he was finally able to appreciate her and the considerable help she was to Tara. So the invitation for a drink, some down time after a tiring two weeks, was genuine. She had enjoyed her time with her niece and nephew, even if it did open wounds not quite healed yet. It just seemed that he couldn't help it when it came to trying to orchestrate her life for her. He didn't seem to understand she was okay with things as they were, and okay was - well - okay, for right now. She just wished she had not reacted as she did. When Bill introduced her to Scott - newly divorced, as Scott was so quick to point out - she had lost it - well, as much as she ever 'lost' control. He had played matchmaker one too many times as far as she was concerned. It wasn't her fault that this was the one time he had nothing to do with it. Apparently, Scott himself had been pestering Bill the entire time she was in San Diego, having heard of her arrival through the secretary at the base office. It didn't stop Bill from taking advantage of the situation when Scott had weaselled his way into a seat at their table. That was what pissed her off the most. She thought, erroneously in hindsight, that Bill was finally 'getting' her relationship with Mulder, her work on the X- Files, and her choice to leave medicine and pursue work with the FBI. He appeared to be listening, trying hard to understand why she made the choices she did. It was wonderful. He was even nodding his head in agreement at times. It looked like the two were finally having a rational, adult discussion, helped a little by the beers, and she had been hopeful it would be the beginning of healing the rift that existed between them. Despite the difficulty in establishing some common ground, she wanted things to be better. That was what her mother didn't seem to get most of the time. Scully often felt that her mother not only held her responsible for the breakdown between the two siblings, but blamed her when attempts to fix it fell through. Scully had tried telling her many times that Bill wouldn't listen, but her mom would just shake her head and tell her to remember who her family were. She sunk further into the bubbles and closed her eyes, listening to the soft strands of the cello filling her apartment. She didn't want to think about Bill or her mother or her own infertility right now. She wanted to empty out her head and have nothing in there, just for a little while. ****** The Capital Lounge, Monday Afternoon Mulder fiddled with the label on his beer, trying not to let his thoughts wander too far. Bill could be asking to see him about any number of things. He was most worried that he was going to try to convince Mulder that his sister was better off away from him. From his perspective, he had no argument for the man. He had tried several times himself to get her to move away, to another department, a less dangerous job. Convincing Scully was the hard part. He hadn't managed to do it yet and he wondered if Bill had some misguided notion that threatening him would somehow make her do something she didn't want to. Assuming that was what Bill wanted to say to him. He sighed and pulled at the other side of the label, then checked his watch. Ten minutes to go. He leaned back in the chair, determined not to appear too anxious when Bill showed up. "Can I get you another one?" Mulder looked up to see the young waitress leaning her tray on one hip, allowing him a clear view of her cleavage. He could tell by her facial expression that the move was deliberate. At another time in his life it may have been an invitation he would have accepted, but not now. "Nah, I'm good right now. Maybe when -" "I'll take a Guinness." The voice came from behind him. Bill moved around, nodding to Mulder as he took the chair opposite him. Mulder turned back to the young woman. "Might as well grab me another while you're there." The two men faced each other for the first time in over a year. Mulder had last seen Scully's brother when he had to pick Dana up from her mother's one Thanksgiving. Her car had been in the shop and a disagreement with Bill had sent her scurrying to find an alternate way home. He'd been glad to help, but the cost was one more notch in Bill's measuring stick, one more thing to add to Mulder's catalogue of sins against the family. "Hello, Bill." "Mulder." He tipped his ball cap and tossed it onto the table. Mulder hoped it wasn't being used as a gauntlet. He drained the last of the beer, now a little warm, and met Bill's eyes cautiously. "Bill." The waitress arrived with their beers. While Bill paid, Mulder searched his face for any hint of what he had to tell him. As Bill took a long draught, he remained patiently quiet, guessing that Bill had to be playing for time. Hell, he would have had a hard time not doing the same thing if their roles were reversed. Beer in hand, Bill cleared his throat and laughed nervously. Mulder cleared his throat, too. "You wanted to see me, Bill?" "Would you feel better if I told you I was stringing you along and now I'm going to beat the shit out of you?" Mulder found himself stiffening, and then the humour of the statement and Bill's obvious discomfort rescued him before he did or said something stupid. Bill was as apprehensive as he was, but this was about Scully, and he would take anything the big man threw out at him for the sake of her. "Now that sounds more like the Bill I know." There was a brief pause and he watched as Bill wrestled with his thoughts. His face, different yet familiar, mimicked some of the same expressions his partner's had when she was puzzling through something. He was able to tell the moment Bill came to a decision just by the way his mouth was set. "I need to ask you about your relationship with my sister." "Relationship?" The word was a little garbled as he struggled to swallow and process at the same time. "Mulder, this is a little hard for me. I'd rather you had nothing to do with my sister, but she has made it clear that isn't going to happen. So, I need to understand some things." "Bill, did something happen when she was visiting?" "I took her for drinks" "And?" "Uh, there was a guy." "A guy? Was she hurt? What guy?" Fuck. One quiet remark from Bill and suddenly he was thinking Philadelphia and sleazy tattoo parlours. He stood, his napkin spilling to the floor. "She didn't come back with a tattoo, did she?" "A tattoo?" "Yeah, tattoo. You know, they trace a picture, use some needles, inject dye -" "I know what a tattoo is. Why the hell would Dana get a tattoo?" "It's a long story, Bill." "Dana has a tattoo?" At Mulder's raised eyebrows Bill pushed his chair back. "What the fuck? What have you done now?" "I didn't do anything, Bill. Actually, the problem was that I didn't do anything." "Mulder, I don't know what the hell you're getting at." "Bill, your sister was almost killed after getting a tattoo." "What? How the hell does a tattoo kill you? Oh, let me guess, this one was one of those X-Files. Maybe it came alive?" Okay, so Bill could still be a shit. "The guy she had it done with, he almost killed her." Mulder sat back down and took a drink. Bill had a predatory gleam in his eye. Although initially it appeared that his intention had been to talk to him civilly, Mulder was now a little concerned that bringing up another case, one in which his sister had suffered and been hurt, once again, was going to have him throwing punches instead of continuing the conversation. "When the hell was this?" Bill was twisting his napkin roughly in his hands. "Bill, let it go, okay?" "How about some other time, Mulder?" Bill seemed to realize that pursuing the matter wouldn't help and raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I'm letting it go, okay?" Mulder paused for a moment, measuring the other man's sincerity. "So who was the guy?" "It was no one, Mulder." "No one?" "His name is Scott, and I had nothing to do with it." Mulder raised one eyebrow in disbelief. "Scout's honour. Scott pestered me the whole time she was here, but I decided not to screw with it this time." "This time?" "Dana came to help and we both really appreciated it. Look, I love my sister and I'd like things to be better. Shit, she's hardly seen Mattie since he was born. When Scott tried to get me to arrange things, I said no. You ever had Dana really pissed at you?" He didn't wait for an answer. "He just showed up." Bill paused. "She didn't do it deliberately." "Do what, Bill?" "Shit, I never want to see that much of my sister again. She was -" Bill gestured towards his chest. "Scott's eyes just about bugged out of his head." "What?" "She lost a couple of buttons," Bill paused. "On her shirt. Only she didn't know they were gone and she didn't know anyone could see anything. Does she always fiddle with that cross of hers?" Mulder leaned back in his chair, not sure how to answer or whether Bill actually expected him to. He had too clear a picture of how she would look. He tried to shift without making it obvious. The knowledge that it was Scully's brother across from him was enough to temper those thoughts, which was a good thing. He didn't have time right now to recite multiplication tables. "I don't know if I've ever noticed that before." It was a nice safe answer. Bill snorted in reply. "You've never noticed? I find that hard to believe." "Look, Bill -" "So, what are your intentions?" Mulder nearly choked on the sip of beer he was taking. "What intentions?" "Intentions. Do you love my sister?" "I don't think this is the place to get into that. Besides, if I'm going to talk about love don't you think it ought to be with Scully?" "She's my little sister, with Dad gone it's my job." "No offence, Bill, but that's exactly the kind of attitude that pisses her off. She's her own person. She hates anyone making her feel less than that." He watched Bill bristle with indignation. "Look, I know you care. I had a sister and even though she's gone, I understand. I'd probably be the same. I care a great deal for Dana, Bill. I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. Things are complicated with us." "Complicated? Look, Mulder, let me give you a piece of advice. Life is what it is. Neither of you is getting any younger. What the hell are you waiting for?" "Bill, you just don't understand the whole picture. The work we do comes first right now. It has to." "I don't get that, Mulder, the whole 'work that you do' thing. I serve my country too." "I'm sure you're a fine officer, Bill, but the things your sister and I are involved in are -" "If this is where you start with that little green men story, you can stop. I have my limits." "Enough said. I think I should go. I'd like to check on Scully, unless you were hoping to visit?" "Not this time. I'm on my way back out early in the morning, she doesn't know I had this stop and I'd rather she didn't know about this little talk. Just - just take care of her, okay?" He managed a small smile. "Always, Bill. Always." ******* Monday Evening Scully sank back into the sofa, pulling the afghan around her. Despite the warmth the fire provided, she shivered. Although the long soak had helped relax her physically, it didn't erase the ache she felt inside and her mind was still churning, replaying the evens of her time in San Diego and the memories that refused to be buried. She didn't regret the time spent with her family, but she couldn't deny how difficult it had been. During the day with her focus on Mattie and Sarah, it was easy to keep from thinking too much. It was late at night when she was alone with her thoughts that she was haunted by a little girl who didn't have a chance to grow up. This, added with Bill's propensity to hold himself responsible for her life, spread the chasm between the them wider. Bill treated her like she was a child who needed to be told what to do. She knew she presented a tough front to those around her, but in her male dominated world it was a role she adopted for survival, one that she wore comfortably. Heck, she had gotten so used to being tough-as-nails-never-let-them-see- you-cry that she often felt out of touch with the other parts of her. When had she allowed the woman inside the suit to be hidden away? When had Scully FBI replaced Dana the woman so thoroughly that she couldn't be easily seen anymore? Did the loss of fertility cement that? Did she suddenly lose her sexuality when she lost the ability to hold life within her body? It seemed to be a sticking point with Bill. He wanted to see her settle down and marry, he just didn't want her having sex as part of the package. No chance of babies, therefore you didn't have sex? Could he really believe something as stupid as that? She closed her eyes and the evening with her brother was a painful memory waiting to be dissected and put to rest. San Diego, Saturday Night "Heads up, Dana." "For what, Bill?" "Scott Taymore." With his free hand, Bill gestured to the tall man making his way around the tables. "Who is Scott Taymore?" There was a threatening tone to her words, not lost on Bill. "He lives a few houses over. Divorced, two kids." "What have you done, Bill?" "Nothing , I pro- " Bill's answer was cut short by the arrival of the man in question. "Billy, nice to see you." Even as he extended his hand he was turning to face Scully. "And you must be Dana." She managed what looked like a smile to anyone who didn't know her. She had actually been looking forward to spending some time with Bill, hopeful that they could re-establish some semblance of a normal relationship. The arrival of Bill's friend seemed to prove the old adage that you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks. She saw her evening stretching out to include being grilled a_ la first date. She didn't want to do this tonight. For that matter, she didn't want to do it at all. She was happy with her life the way it was, even if Bill did have trouble accepting it. She forced herself to widen her smile as she realized Scott was talking to her. "I'm sorry, Scott, nice to meet you." She noted how quickly he made himself comfortable at the table. He was far too eager, but she was too much a Scully to be rude. She fiddled with her drink and resigned herself to a long evening. She had to admit that the conversation wasn't too bad. The two men, while they didn't socialize much, knew each other well enough to carry most of it, and her knowledge of Bill's work was such that she could add her two cents without having to listen too closely. She noted that Bill managed to steer clear of anything that hinted of the FBI, aliens, autopsies or Fox Mulder; anything that would scare off a potential suitor. She caught Bill glaring at her every so often. He seemed most bothered when she toyed with her gold cross and noticed Scott's eyes were pulled to the same spot. She wasn't deliberately being provocative, but Bill's facial expression was funny enough to rouse her suspicions. She sent him a silent admonishment to clean up his mind. "So, Scott, do you travel much?" "Dana." Her name was a low hiss, barely registering above the din of the bar. "What now, Bill?" Her brother was gesturing with his finger. Scully looked down. Shit, somehow the first two buttons had actually betrayed her and come off. Her blouse had pulled open giving both men an eyeful of lace and sheer fabric, one nipple visible where her breast was almost totally exposed. Bill reached across to pull her blouse closed. "You're breasts are showing Dana." It wasn't really her entire chest exposed, but certainly the black lace demi-bra allowed for a little more skin than her sports bras. She pushed Bill's hands away, grabbing the material herself, but not before the flush on her face had travelled all the way down her chest. Sometimes it sucked being a redhead. The entire episode, a tiny blip in the evening, seemed quite surreal and did not go unnoticed by the patrons at the tables closest to theirs. Clutching her shirt closed, she stood, mumbled a hasty good bye to both men and headed back to Bill's, glad that she would be on her way home tomorrow. She was safely sheltered in the guest bedroom when she heard Bill's footsteps advance down the hallway and stop outside the door. "Dana?" There was a moment of complete silence, then a soft knock. "Dana, please open the door and talk to me." "Why, Bill? Can't you just yell through the door?" "No - Dana, I'm sorry. Please just open the door so we can talk." "You haven't given me a good reason yet, Bill." She pulled her knees in tighter and pushed back against the headboard of the bed. "Dana, I screwed up. Just let me in so we can talk about it." "_You_ screwed up? What, don't have a nice lecture planned for me? Don't want to tell me how fucked up I am? You haven't mentioned Mulder yet tonight, is that on the agenda for your little talk?" The bitterness in her voice was evident as she became louder and he winced knowing some of it was his fault. "Dana, really and truly, I just want to talk to you." The door opened a crack and he was faced with his sister's blue eyes. Though he could still see the anger radiating off her, clearly shown in the whiteness of her knuckles where she gripped the door, it was the defeat in those clear blue eyes that prickled at him. With a start he realized Matthew's eyes were the same colour of blue. Bill knew he never wanted to be the cause of the same expression in his son's eyes. "You sure know how to make an exit." The tension dissipated, just enough. "Yeah, well you sure know how to pick them." "Would it help if I said I really am sorry?" "That depends, Bill. Sorry as in I won't meddle in your life again? Or sorry I got a bad one, let's see who I can dig up for next time?" "Dana, I know you have no reason to believe me, but I didn't arrange that with Scott. He hounded me all week when he heard you were here. I didn't ask you out to set it up. I really wanted to thank you." She allowed the door to open a little more. "Did you want to come in and talk?" "Sure, but would you mind -" he gestured to her blouse, still held closed by her other hand. "How about I grab us a beer and you take care of that." She wondered if she'd been on the X Files too long. Things like gaping tops were incidental hazards of the job, along with being naked next to Mulder in a decontamination shower, or lying on the Antarctic ice, not seeing what could or could not be an alien spacecraft.. She'd gotten so used to her existence inside the X Files bubble that things which horrified or embarrassed others were small inconveniences in her own life. She was more uncomfortable for her brother than herself. Those men in the club were his peers and she knew what it was like to be seen in a bad light by your peer group. She looked back up to see Bill still waiting for her answer. "Sure. But I don't want beer. Just a glass of water, please." While Bill busied himself getting her water, she took the time to organize her thoughts. She wasn't sure he was capable of rational thought or behaviour when it came to her or the life she chose. She knew he was trying, she just wasn't sure exactly what he was trying to do. Understand? Understand and accept? Or was it understand and then attempt to make her see reason, which always translated into his view of things. The latter would be the most likely scenario. But there was one thing she had learned this trip, and it had settled on her like a warm blanket. She wasn't looking for a Scott Taymore in her life, she had exactly what she needed, even if things weren't exactly where she would hope them to be. She could finally admit to herself that she would like to have something more with Mulder, but until they were both ready she was happy with the way things were. She was brought out of her reverie by Bill's voice. "So, - I guess we need to talk." Huddled back against the wall, safely covered up in her most conservative pyjamas, Dana regarded her brother and his tentative opening gambit. This was probably hard for him. Bill would almost always rather throw a few punches and yell a few obscenities than sit and talk things through. She wondered, not for the first time, what married life was like with him. It must have tempered him somewhat, she couldn't see Tara putting up with much of his bullshit, and knew he adored his children. She decided, watching him fiddle nervously with his bottle, to assume he was sincere and try to clear the air with him. It would make family gatherings far more pleasant for all involved if they could remain in the same room without hurling insults. A truce would allow her to actually remain for the entire time, rather than forcing an early departure due to some asinine comment of Bill's. "Dana? You're not with me." "Did you say something, Bill?" "Yeah, I asked you where your head was." "Bill, do you blame me for Missy?' He wasn't expecting her to be so direct, but the question was a fair one. "I know, in my head at least, that it's not your fault. I even know it's not that partner of yours' fault either, not totally anyway. But sometimes, when I'm missing her, it's easier to find blame than to believe it was unavoidable." She realized, watching his facial expression that he was as surprised by his own vulnerability as she was. "You know they were coming for me, don't you?" Without waiting for his reply she continued. "Do you wish it was me instead of her? None of the other things would have happened if they'd gotten the right Scully the first time. Sometimes I think you want it to have been me." Bill let out a long sigh. If he was truthful, there were times, when he was really angry, that he'd wished the very thing she just voiced. But he also knew, as soon as the sentiment was expressed, even just in his own mind, that he didn't want the alternative either. "You're asking me to choose which sister I wish dead. Neither. I don't want you or Missy to be gone. The fact is, Missy is gone. Trying to go back and think about how it could be different, or wishing for a different outcome, is futile. What is - is. It's like asking me to choose between Sarah and Matt. I'm glad I'm not the one calling the shots." "Why do you hate Mulder so much? Why do you blame him for things he has no control over?" Bill bristled slightly at the name of her partner, but decided he owed her his honesty. "Sometimes I think that if he cared as much as you say he does, that he would have sent you away. Made sure you weren't involved. I don't hate him. I just don't like to see the pain and destruction his quest has cost our family, and you, especially you." "My quest, Bill." "What?" "It's my quest too, Bill. And he has tried to push me away. He's begged me to quit. You have a hard time believing that I stay because I choose to. I. Choose. To. Stay. No one has forced me, Bill. You really can be narrow-minded sometimes. I have seen things that - well, you haven't believed me so far. There is something big going on with our government, with our world -" "Is this where you give me the little green men speech?" "Why do I bother?" Dana crossed her arms and pulled further back from where Bill sat opposite her. "And they're grey." "I'm sorry. That wasn't helpful. I'll try to be open-minded. It's hard to take either of you seriously sometimes." "Bill, my job isn't much different than yours. I work for my country just like you do. When I get called away you act like I'm doing it on purpose, just to piss everyone off. I have to obey orders, just like you do. Our work is a whole lot more than just investigating the conspiracy." She paused at her brother's incredulous look. "Don't look at me like that, Bill. I know you don't believe us, but you haven't seen half of what we have. We help keep the streets safe. Are you aware of Mulder's record when he served with the BSU? Or our solve rate? We have the highest of all departments at the Bureau. And do you know what we get for it, Bill? We get laughed at. We get 'Spooky and the Mrs' jokes. Sometimes they take us on separately and I'm treated to 'Ice Queen' comments. Do you know what that means, Bill?" "Shhhh! You're going to wake up the whole house. And no, I don't know what it means." "Let me tell you, then. I work in a male dominated field. You must hear the same things directed to the women who serve in the Navy. We're either lesbians, slept our way to the top, or we're frigid. Guess which one stuck with me?" She knew she had struck a nerve with her brother. He'd been with the navy long enough to be acquainted with each one of those scenarios with regard to women in the services "Mulder never played those games. He has always treated me as an equal. I have never felt disrespected, nor have I felt I needed to put out to keep my job. He's the first one to defend me against all those assholes, even if it costs him the respect of those around him." She paused to catch her breath. "Do you love him?" The question was unexpected. Did she love him? Well, yes, she supposed she did. He was the closest friend she had, her best friend. She hadn't had a serious relationship with the opposite sex since Ethan, and her female friends had slowly drifted away as their priorities changed. Like her, some of her friends' work was paramount. For others, like Ellen, a family defined who they were, how they spent their time. With clarity, Scully began to see the real problem between her brother and Mulder. It was almost like two alpha males competing to protect the same female. The mantle of responsibility Bill assumed when their dad died included her. She was the only daughter left, and she was damaged-goods. While Bill wanted to see her happy, it probably excluded sex. In his mind she was still a virginal girl in need of Daddy's protection. He wanted her safe, but safe inside some sort of glass box. Perhaps she had contributed somewhat to the image by always managing to appear calm, collected and in control, even in the worst situations. Her infertility only cemented things for him. Bill was very Catholic when it came to sex and procreation. No ability to make uber-Scully's meant no sex. It was such an archaic view she doubted even the church still held to it, but apparently her brother did. Boy, he must've got quite a shock tonight. "Dana?" "Huh? Oh yeah. Does it matter?" "What do you mean, does it matter?" "Well, does it matter? He's my best friend and my work partner. Your problems with him seem to be unrelated to how I feel about him. You know I care about him, yet you still make life miserable every chance you get, for both of us. You seem to question all the choices I've made in my life from my friends to my job." "That's not true." "Of course it is, Bill. Both you and Ahab," her voice hitched a bit, "had lots to say about my switch from medicine to the FBI." She paused a moment to compose herself. This subject and especially her dad's role in the argument was still a raw, open wound. "I'm not sure who was angrier, you or Daddy." Bill swallowed. "We weren't very fair, were we?" "No, no you weren't. But I understand. I do." "You still haven't answered my question." "Yes." "Yes?" "Yes, I do. I do love him, Bill." "Does he love you?" "I - I don't know. I know he cares a lot for me, I'm just not sure loving me is something he has time for right now. Even if he were to consider me romantically." "But you do love him." "Is there an echo in here? I just said that." "Why love someone who can't love you back?" "I didn't say he couldn't. Things are complicated." "How complicated can it be? Either you both do, or you don't. Or you do and he doesn't which is a whole other thing, but still -" "The work is important, much more than you or anyone else realizes, and there's a lot left to do. A relationship beyond what we already have would just complicate things." Bill snorted, choking a little on his beer. "That's the most ridiculous thing you've said all night. You two are inseparable as it is. Mom already considers him part of the family. She's just waiting for the ring to show up on your finger. Hell, he's the first one she calls if she's worried about where you are. The only thing the two of you don't'have are the rings and the paper. And sex?" He paused, "Right?" "My sex life is none of your business, William Scully." He gave a sheepish grin. "Sorry, couldn't help it after the little show you gave us tonight." He paused, "It was just a show, wasn't it?" "I reserve those performances for when my asshole brother tries to orchestrate my life." There was a trace of defiance in her comment, and Bill decided it would be wise to ignore it. "Point taken." "Look, Bill, I don't want to fight with you all the time. It would be nice to show up for things and to not have to worry about what you're going to do or say. You know, you have Mulder to thank for me even showing up for half those family things. He forces me to go. Did you know that?" "Why the hell do you have to be forced to spend time with your family?" "Take a guess." "Is that why he's always there with you?" "I make him come with me. It's part of the deal. If I have to go, he comes as my support, at least when you're going to be around. I really am tired of the bullshit. How would you like it if I treated Tara the way you do Mulder?" "Tara hasn't -" "It's not his fault, Bill. Any more than it's yours when something happens to one of your men." "That's not the same." "Of course it is. It's exactly the same. You just refuse to see that." "Well, you can't blame me." "I'm not blaming you for anything" "I can't promise to be happy about the whole thing, but I'll try to be civil. I'm sorry for - for whatever I need to be sorry for. I'll try - really, Dana." He emphasized the word at the look of disbelief on her face. "I really will try. I'll even try to be nice to Mulder." "It would certainly be a start." "Hell, I just don't want any more of my sister on display. Shit, Dana, what the hell were you thinking?" "Bill - let it go, okay? It was stupid. I'll apologize to - what's his name? Scott?" "Funny. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Chances are he won't mention it. And I won't be bringing it up the next time I see him." "I hope not." "Thanks again, for - you know - Mattie and the baby and all that. You really were a big help. You'd make a great mom, Dana." Her infertility sat between them, the subject off limits, awkward, the pain sometimes revealing itself in quiet comments like the one he had just made. She usually transmitted clear 'keep away' signals with anything remotely personal and she knew it was part of the reason Bill never mentioned Emily. There really was nothing to say. It still hurt, but she was learning to live with it. "I would have liked the chance to prove it, Bill, but it's okay." "Are we good then?" "Yeah, we're good, Bill." "I'd better let you get to bed. You have an early flight tomorrow." Scully remembered it was later still when she was finally able to get the image of a small, fair haired little girl out of her mind so she could sleep. ***** She was aroused from her thoughts by a soft knocking at the door. She'd wondered how long it would take for her partner to make an appearance. She hadn't missed his covert stare, feeling his eyes on her even when her back was turned. He wasn't one to let things go and knew she'd have to come up with something to satisfy his concern. After checking the peephole she let him in. "I hope I'm not interrupting dinner or anything." "Dinner? What time is it?" "Actually it's- " he glanced at his watch, "past dinner, unless you're eating fashionably late? Or not at all?" "I'm not really hungry, I guess." "Don't feel like ordering in? I haven't eaten yet. Are you sniffing me, Scully?" "Beer?" "Just one." "Humph." "Really." He hesitated a moment. "I had an appointment." "Agent Murphy?" "Murphy? Why would I be drinking beer with Murphy?" "According to all the gossip, she-" "Since when do you listen to gossip, Scully?" "Order something if you want." "How 'bout Thai? I haven't had any since before you headed to San Diego." "Whatever." He grabbed the phone she tossed him and placed the order. "Thirty minutes or it's free." "They've never been less than forty-five. Give me a break." She made her way to the kitchen to grab dishes and cutlery. "You want more beer or will iced tea do?" "You know what I like, Scully." "Which, Mulder? You like both." "Iced tea is good." His tone of voice caught her attention. She looked up to find him looking far too serious and contemplative and it took a moment to link the look with the iced tea comment. Was he trying to say something else? Sometimes talking without words was a bitch. "I prefer iced tea, Scully." Okay, so he was trying to say something else. For the first time since her return from San Diego she felt things were not quite as bleak as they'd seemed. The End *****