ReduxII Re-worked: Perfect Blue Building By suprnova@fia.net Copyright January, 1998 spoilers for ReduxII Rating:PG Keywords:Mulder Angst Summary: The scene between Mulder and Bill Scully in ReduxII, the way it should have happened. Write me and tell me what you think of my story, please! No matter what you think, just tell me! If it's bad and you don't tell me, I'll probably just write more bad fan fic! Ok, this is my first stab at fan fic, but when I saw ReduxII, I just knew that I had to correct the horrible error made by who ever had written that (ALMOST perfect) episode. I loved Redux II, but here's my problem: Mulder & Bill fighting - good. Wonderful tension. Mulder says that he lost not only his father to his quest, but his sister also. "WHAT????" He didn't loose his sister because of his quest, he began his quest because of loosing his sister!!!!! kinda of a big oversight, doncha think? Ok, I keep watching the episode. "Maybe it was just a mistake," I think. Then Mulder confirms to Bill that his quest, his whole life, is about finding aliens, and proceeds to sit there and think of how worthless he is because he has spent his whole life looking for something as frivolous as aliens (and not something worthwhile, like, oh, I don't know, his sister or something!!) Aauuggghhh!!!! That's when I knew SOMEONE had to write the scene the way it SHOULD go. So, here you go. PSSsorry about the bad spelling. I plead the Eddie Van Blunht defense! ReduxII Re-worked: Perfect Blue Building Jacqueline MacKay ".....(Bill Scully): This what, little green aliens?" Little green aliens? No! Most certainly not little green aliens. Certainly he wouldn't jeopardize Scully's life for.....but with a sickening realization that made his heart ache as never before, (and that was saying alot) Mulder began to question if HE even knew what he was searching for anymore. He looked down at his lap, at his hands, as if maybe the answer was there. Sensing that Bill wanted an answer, but more interested in finding it for himself, Mulder looked up. His eyes began to brighten with tears for what seemed like the seven millionth time that day. Speaking in a slow , unemotional voice, Mulder began. What did he care about his pride? What did he care about anything when Scully was lying on her back in that prison they called a hospital bed? "When I was 12," he revealed, "My sister was taken away." Of course, he didn't look at Bill when he spoke. Mulder found himself transfixed by a point on the wall, staring not actually at the wall itself, but into the past. Into deep, dark crevices he wasn't sure he wanted to see. "She was just gone. I was supposed to be watching her. Protecting her." Mulder paused for a moment. He felt as if a giant floodgate was opening. A floodgate he had worked long and hard to build and keep steadily in place. If it crumbled right now, Mulder was sure he ran the risk of crumbling right along with it. He might just tumble into the dark, swirling river of his emotions and be washed away. Actually, being washed away seemed like a very appealing prospect at the moment. Maybe if he was lucky he would drown. He decided to welcome that sublime abyss with open arms. "It was all so obvious," he started again, slowly and painfully, "So horribly clear what I was searching for THEN. If I could only find her, every problem would be solved. Every pain would be eased. It was all so very simple in my twelve year old mind. If Sam was back, then my parents would stop hating each other." Mulder's voice go softer. "My dad would stop hating me. My dad would stop-" Mulder looked up sharply at Bill Jr's face, momentarily brought crashing back to reality at what he had almost said, what he had no doubt revealed to this man. This man who had good reason to hate him. Revealed what he had never told anyone- not Phoebe- not even Scully. Scully. The thought of her made him tremble slightly. She forced him off yet another dark path he didn't want to go down, and back into his explanation that Bill Jr. asked for but probably didn't want to hear. Mulder felt he owed it to Scully to find the answer- this one truth that only he was hiding. "But after a while," Mulder sighed, "that search died. It wasn't that I stopped hoping, it was just that I gave up hope. I think a part of me died with it." Mulder sighed again, this time more softly. "I went off to college. I began searching for a way to help people. Maybe in some small way pay for my sins." He laughed without any humor. "At least ease my guilt. At first I thought becoming a psychologist was the way to do that. Then I was recruited by the bureau, and it seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel. 'This was it!' I told myself. I could lock away all the bad guys and maybe even find the people who took my sister. The monsters who would rip an eight year old girl away from her family in the middle of the night. And for a while, it seemed like yes, I had finally found what I was looking for. I was making a difference, catching cereal killers and putting them away. But it was never enough. It was just so hard, so unfair. They would always kill so many innocent people before I could catch them, and there were always more monsters out there. Instead of feeling the joy and life of the people I saved, I could feel the death of the ones I couldn't. It was almost as if i was murdering them myself, at the same time they were murdering me. I almost went insane. Maybe I did go insane," Mulder whispered softly, again realizing he had an audience, horrified at the personal thoughts that were pouring from his lips. He wished desperately that Bill Jr. would yell at him, or punch him or do something to stop him from pouring is heart out all over the floor, where Bill was probably just waiting to pick it up and tear it to shreds. But he did none of those things, and Mulder couldn't bring himself to look at the grieving man to find out why. So instead he just went on with his mad apology. "They sent me off to therapy. Not that they real gave a damn, but then again I guess they didn't exactly want me out of the way in those days either. Therapy for the therapist. What a laugh! But I guess deep down, I always wanted- maybe needed- to please people. So I went along like a good boy. I tried to fix myself. I was hypnotized to try to remember THAT night. Any two-bit hack could see that was where my...problems stemmed from. I guess at that time, you could say what I was searching for was myself. And I could have sworn I found myself. I'm supposed to have a perfect memory. Perfect except for when I really need it I guess. I could never remember what really happened that night." Mulder ALMOST remarked that the unthinkable thought had entered his mind- the thought that maybe HE had killed his own sister. Oh God- that thought was a decade of therapy right there! Mulder thought better of sharing that little insomniac's nightmare with Bill Scully. He may be rambling, but no criminal he had ever encountered was insane enough to do THAT! Planting an idea like that in Bill's head would be akin to suicide! "Through regressive hypnotherapy, I remembered my sister being abducted by aliens. So you see, I'm not searching for little green aliens, I found little green aliens! And how convenient they were too. There was someone to blame besides myself, and maybe I could even find her! All that plus the big prize: a reason to get up in the morning!" Mulder hung his head even more if that was possible. "I guess it all comes back to trying to ease my guilt," he said softly, trying but failing to conceal his tears. "And so that led me to the x-files. My search for my sister was on again! But in this search, I actually found something. Something to hold on to. Something to believe in. Scully. 'My great defender!'" He laughed humorously. "You got that right! She never believed what I said, not till she saw the truth with her own two eyes. And then she still didn't really want to believe. But she always listened. Always. "And you know, the more she got caught up in all this, the more I wanted to tell her to get as far away from me as possible. And I told her that- in the beginning, but she wanted to stay- in the beginning anyway. But even as my lips were asking her if she was sure, my heart was crying 'Oh thank God!' And maybe I should have given up my search right then. I probably should have said 'All of these dangerous actions were OK when they only affected me, but now I have Scully to think about.' And actually I did try. Oh, did I try. But you try to forget about something like that." With those words, Mulder slowly lifted his head to look at Bill Jr. It was as if he had just realized something. A small spark began to rekindle itself in his eyes. Picking up steam, Mulder continued, "You try to forget about something that was in your heart, in your head, in your dreams, IN EVERY BREATH YOU TOOK FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS! It's not that easy. And it's not a bad thing to want. And yes, what happened to both your sisters is my fault. But it's not my fault only. I see how much you love Dana. If you were in my place, you would do the exact same things I have done. So you can hate me all you want. I deserve all your hate and more. But don't you EVER- not for one SECOND- pretend that I am doing this for frivolous reasons." With this, Mulder was on his feet. The spark in his eyes had ignited. With every sentence, he took a step toward Bill, and Bill took a step backwards. Bill was a powerful man, and he had never doubted his fighting skills for a moment. But there was something in Mulder's eyes that made a caged animal seem like good company at the moment. "Don't you dare pretend this is some kind of game for me," Mulder continued. This is hell on earth for me. Your sister lies in there dying, and I KNOW the great pain you're going through. Every time I see her in there, or think about her in there, I practically die a thousand times, but I don't die. Oh, God why don't I die? Instead, I get to live seeing her in there- every second of every hour of every day- knowing that it's all my fault! And if you hate me so much, why don't you just punch me or kill me or do what ever you want to do- because I deserve that and that would be your right. But you stand here and ask me if it has been worth it? If it's been WORTH IT?????!!!!! That is the one thing that you have no right to infer- that I would deem my quest WORTH the lives of your sisters. That is the one punishment that I don't deserve." And with one last searing glare, Fox Mulder strode off, leaving Bill Scully alone with his thoughts and a shocked, confused look on his face. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Finis! PLEASE e-mail me and tell me what you think, at suprnova@fia.net Be honest!! A few notes- Ok, OK, Mulder pouring his deepest, darkest, secrets out to Bill Scully? PROBABLY wouldn't happen. But ya never know;-) Also, don't look for the meaning of the title in the story. It's the title of a really good song that I thought kinda matched the tone of my story. Bonus points if you can name the artist(S). The Gossamer Project Author - Title - Date - Spoilers - Crossovers - X-Files - Adventures - Stories - Vignettes Download Other stories by Mackay, Jacqueline /Please let us know if the site is not working properly. Set story display preferences . Do not archive stories elsewhere without permission from the author(s). See the Gossamer policies for more information. /