Gossamer | Story: "Generations 26: Male Stuff" by Macspooky & Evenstar, EowynThe Gossamer Project Author - Title - Date - Spoilers - Crossovers - X-Files - Adventures - Stories - Vignettes Other stories by: Evenstar, Eowyn - Macspooky Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 09:21:39 -0400 (EDT) From: bernard cullinan Subject: Story Okay, here we have yet another installment of "Generations" from the magic word processors of Eowyn Evanstar and Macspooky. Hopefully, this will really give you all a good laugh. I am going to rate this one a strong R for a scene that occurs toward the end. Although it is not graphic, I think that it is, shall we say, on the adult side, or at least the adults will get it, and hopefully the younger kids won't, and I might suggest a bit of parental screening here for the youngest readers, say those under 16. It's Mac being conservative again. We finished the story on April 1, l996, and all comments can be sent to Eowyn at 72620.3447@compuserve.com or eowyn7@ix.netcom.com. If you want you can send the comments to me too, macspooky@erols.com or macspooky@erols.com (I think... I've been having major mail trouble and no one seems to know what the real addy is... duh) Mac loves comments too. She still does some of the writing here, although slowly but surely her "child" is growing away from her.... Well, maybe it isn't so slowly, but that's okay too. It's what is supposed to happen to your "children." Enjoy. Oh yeah, and Xfiles still belong to all those same good folks, CC, 1013, Fox....all the ones I've listed in the other zillion parts to this series, you know the ones that keep telling us M & S will never get together while putting sexy pictures in magazines. I offered to buy it from them, but my allowance wasn't big enough and they turned me down. Anyhow, I'm not trying to step on their toes. Generations: Male Stuff by Eowyn and Macspooky Fox Mulder found himself standing in the Dodge dealers looking at mini-vans. This was a far cry from the last time he had looked at cars, a very far cry indeed. His wife sat in the chair glaring at an uncomfortable salesman, a man who suspected he had a good prospect on the sale of a Dodge Caravan, but who knew that he was going to have to work hard for it. He was good at sizing up a situation. This woman knew exactly what she wanted and precisely how much she was going to pay for it. Now if only he could deal with the husband who looked like the type who would go for the deluxe model without a word..... Said husband however was preoccupied. While mom sat with the dealer, her laptop open, all her notes in perfect order, dad stood there with two screaming babies in his arms. Fox gazed at his wife the decibel levels in his ears rising steadily. By the time Dana got done negotiating for bargains they didn't need to be negotiating for, he was going to be deaf. Finally she stopped what she was doing for a moment and he glared at her... Jeez, how many women put the Blue Book on disk and took it to the dealer with her? "For heaven's sake, Mulder... put them in the stroller and pop a bottle in their mouths... You can burp them later...." She turned her attention back to the salesman. Woman was too damned organized. He had always said so. "Uh... yeah... right... I knew that...." he muttered. He set the babies down, strapped them in and, since they were too young to hold their bottles, sat himself on the floor both hands occupied with feeding. Sometimes the millstone of humiliation... His eyes glazed over as he remembered his last car buying expedition...... Early November The Previous Year Assistant Director Walter Skinner and Special Agent Fox Mulder were heading back from a meeting, it was late, both men were tired, and traffic was extremely heavy. Walter was driving. "Do you mind if I use your phone to call Scully and let her know I'm going to be late, Sir." Mulder was still in Bureau mode and rarely relaxed his guard to address his boss as anything but Sir or Skinner while they were working. "Go ahead, Mulder. Ask her to call Meg for me and let her know." "I think she's probably at Mom's now. She said that she was going to stop by after work." Fox picked up the phone and dialed his boss' home number. The ringing of the phone filled the car. "Hey!" Mulder quickly pulled the loudly ringing phone from his ear. "How do I get this off speaker?" Skinner looked at him, a blank look on his face. "I have no idea." "How long have you had this phone?" "Three or four years." "And you don't know how to take it off the speaker?" Walter shrugged and smiled. "Unlike you, Mulder, I don't go through a phone a month, it takes a number code to program it but I have no idea what it is, I don't have to read a new instruction manual every couple of months. Nor could I remember it if I did." "Hey all the more reason that you should know how the damn thing works." Before Skinner could reply the phone at the other end was answered. "Skinner residence." "Hey, Scully, it's me. The meeting ran late and we're stuck in traffic." "You and Skinner drove over together?" Her husband never ceased to amaze her. He often acted like he couldn't stand their boss but here he was riding with him. She'd asked Fox to stop and look at vans on the way back, he went by several big dealerships and they needed to be thinking about buying a new car. His Toyota needed so much body work and repairs that it really wasn't worth putting the money in. "If traffic is so bad why don't you stop at the car dealerships on the way back. That way you avoid traffic and get something done. Try to get a feel for how negotiable the dealers are." Finally Walter understood why Mulder had been so insistent on riding with him. Even going to the point of bringing files along to work on while Walt was in the morning meeting. Fox hadn't had to be there until two in the afternoon yet he had packed up a dozen files and a stack of paperwork and hitched a ride with the AD who had to be there at ten. He had staked out an empty cubicle and went to work. Skinner had assumed that he was avoiding someone at the Hoover Building and wondered what kind of trouble his errant son-in-law was in. Now he smiled to himself, Fox was in trouble, but not at work, at home. Walter suddenly realized that this was prime revenge time for all of Mulder's little digs. "I don't want to bore the boss looking at cars, Scully. I'll stop by another time." "That's okay, Mulder, I don't mind stopping by and letting you look at mini-vans. Traffic's going nowhere anyway." The look of disgust Mulder shot him was worth a couple of hours in a few car dealerships. Hell the look on Fox's face was worth half a day looking at vans. And the fun he could have harassing him about mini-vans would beat the goading he'd done about the house all to hell. Mulder was definitely feeling too domesticated, this was perfect. Dana Scully Mulder's next comment knocked the legs out from under Walter's plans. "Mom says to tell Walter that he can start looking for them a mini van, too. Her old wagon has over a hundred thousand miles on it and she wants to trade it in." Mulder shot him a now you know how it feels look and quickly said goodbye to his wife before she started listing the different models and features again. "Mulder." That tone of voice might send other agents running but it wasn't going to phase him. It was all Skinner's fault that they had to spend a couple of hours looking at vans. "Don't you Mulder me. If you'd said that you didn't have time to stop then we both could have gotten out of it. I bet Mom hasn't been reading Consumer Reports and Car and Driver to you at bedtime like Dana has." "You're kidding, right?" "Do I LOOK like I'm kidding. Every Saturday she combs over the Automotive section of the paper looking at features and prices. She scans the used listings to see how well they maintain their value and she just signed up with some online service to get price data. She's planning on taking her lap top with us when we shop. And should we decide to buy used she has already talked Kevin into going over it from top to bottom. I'm so sick of mini-vans and station wagons I'd rather face little green bugs." "Great. She's probably giving Meg a lesson right now. Sometimes your wife can be a real pain in the..." he stopped before he got in trouble with his son-in-law. Mulder shot him a sidelong look. "Tell me about it. Couldn't we just sort of pretend to stop and say they were too busy to talk with us." "Margaret wouldn't buy it. Can you get away with lying to Scully like that?" "Hell, no. She sees through me every time. Why do think I used to run off without her and turn off my cellular? She always knew when something was wrong or when I was lying. So I just avoided her. She's worse than a bull terrier when she gets her teeth into something." "Yeah, Meg's the same way. We'd better go ahead. Here's a dealer coming up now." As Walter Skinner turned into the parking lot the phone rang. "Skinner." "Hello, sir. May I speak to Mulder?" "It's on speaker, Dana, go ahead." Dana was still stiff with him from what had happened over four months previously. It wasn't like she held a grudge it was just that she couldn't seem to relax around him. "Fox, you need to look at the Caravans, try the Grand Caravan it's got extra storage space in the back. Also check out the Ford Aerostar and Windstar. I believe they both come in extended versions. These seem to be the ones with the best repair records. I'm not sure about the Aerostar though. The magazine says that it's on a truck chassis and drives more like a truck. The Windstar and Caravan are on car bodies and drive more like cars. What do you think?" Fox Mulder rolled his eyes and made a face. Skinner thought, I'll look at all of those, Scully. Although I doubt there is much difference between them." He added in a soft voice, "A box on wheels is still a box." "What was that you said, Mulder? Now take this seriously we need a new car, yours isn't going to last much longer." "Fine, Dana." Before she could dress him down further he said, "We're at the Dodge dealer so I'm going to hang up." "Okay. Oh, mom says to tell Walter that she likes the extended Caravan so he should start getting some serious prices." "Sure... fine... whatever. Bye." Mulder turned to Walter and they both rolled their eyes. The next couple of hours were going to be so much fun. Four dealerships later they both had about had it. Apparently two business men in suits were considered prime meat because they'd barely get the car doors opened before one or two salesmen had started to accost them. At one dealership a fist fight almost broke out over who would show them around. They didn't stay long there. They had driven four or five vans. Tested out anti-lock breaks, and three different sizes of engines, saw vans with airbags on driver's side and some on the passenger side, built in child seats, rear seats that laid flat and came out easily, if you were Arnold Schwarzenegger that is, and vans with sliding doors on both sides in the back. There were sound systems that ranged from a simple radio without even a cassette player to a super high tech CD system with eight, or was it twelve speakers? Fox had had trouble getting Walter out of that van. "You can't buy a van based on the sound system, Wally." "Why not, Spooky? If you've got to drive this kind of monstrosity you might as well enjoy it." "I'm sure that Winnie the Pooh is going to sound lovely coming from twelve speakers." Walter had shot him a look but had left the van, Mulder had made his point. The interiors were everything from a god awful gold cloth that Fox said reminded him of one of Dani's messier diapers to beige leather. Both Walter and Fox had liked the leather interior but Walter had made the comment after he left that it was like a string bikini on a three hundred pound woman. It didn't really fit and no matter what the packaging she would still be over weight. "Look, Mulder, you can put Patrick Swayze in a dress, wig and makeup but that isn't going to make him a beautiful woman." Fox had started laughing and didn't stop for quite some time despite the disgusted looks that both Walter and the saleswoman were shooting him. She thought to herself. "Let's stop someplace and get a drink, Walt, I think the strain is beginning to tell. We should have enough literature to keep Scully happy for a couple of weeks at least." Walter nodded and they and the saleswoman started heading back towards the show room. "Hey, Mulder, look over there." At the questioning look his son-in-law shot him he pointed to a sports car over in a far section of the lot and started walking towards it. The sales woman smiled to herself, realizing that if she played this right the man would sell himself on a sports car. Mid-life crisis, it never failed better marketing tool than any Madison Avenue could come up with. "Do you know what this is, Mulder? It's a classic MG RV8 probably a '62. Look at that engine. It's been beautifully restored." He turned to look at the saleswoman who was standing well in the background trying to look bored rather than eager. Maybe, she thought, she could make some money off of these two anyway. Heaven only knew they had had a hard time keeping their eyes off of her. The conservative business suit with the shorter styled skirt, and the jacket hanging open to reveal a flat abdomen and good sized breasts beneath a semi shear blouse always got to them, particularly the older ones. Too bad the younger one was married too. He was cute... real cute... Well, the younger ones usually didn't have money anyway. She moved in for the kill, her long brown hair blowing in the wind. That long hair always got to guys. She explained. "The dealership owner is a classic car buff. He and several of the mechanics buy old cars and restore them. He does quite a good business in it actually. Although he mostly does it for the fun of it rather than the money he makes. He's known all over the area for these cars." "Since you're here why don't I go and get the keys to it and you can give it a spin?" She hadn't been paying too much attention to his buddy so she was surprised when Mulder chipped in. "While you're at it could you get the keys to this Mustang?" "Sure, no problem, Mr. Mulder. I'll be right back." As she walked away Mulder muttered something about sheer brunette delight, but when he turned to his boss he caught the strange look on his face. "Something wrong, Walt?" Skinner seemed to wake up out of a trance and shook himself. "No. Nothing wrong. Why?" "You looked kind of sad and a million miles away. You ever driven one of these?" "No. I was too young when we had ours and by the time I was old enough to drive my parents had sold it. It was my dream car though when I was in my early teens." Fox knew there was more behind Walter's attitude but he didn't want to pry so he was surprised when after a few more minutes of looking at the car his father-in-law continued. "My older brother had one and he used to take me for spins. It was a great car, really had a lot of pick up." "I didn't know you had an older brother?" Fox was curious but didn't want to push. "He was drafted and killed over in Nam. I told you I joined when I was eighteen, what I didn't tell you was that I wanted to finish what my brother started and also get the bastards that had killed him. God what a self centered son of a bitch I was. My parents could have ended up losing both their sons over there and all I could think about was revenge. My dad had a heart attack while I was over there and never really recovered. He died a few years later. I was glad that I got to come home and be there awhile before he died." "You must have loved them both very much." "Yeah. So tell me about the Mustang." Skinner decided to change the subject. "A sixty six Mustang is my dream car. Wanted one ever since I was a kid. A friend had a used one, you know before they became classics. Boy did we have fun in it. The chicks loved it. You ever seen that movie Silver Streak?" At his boss' nod of yes he continued, "Richard Pryor steals a car and calls it pure pussy. Well that's a Mustang for me. It's got a great engine and it does purr. Also had some interesting affects on the ladies." "Aren't you a little past the effects it has on the ladies, Mulder." Skinner was a little worried about this new side of Fox. He hadn't missed the remark about the saleswoman either. He didn't want to think that he might cheat on Scully. Fox who hadn't caught on to what Walter was thinking replied indignantly, "Hey, Dana's not going to be pregnant forever. I'd love to get her in this car." Walter laughed at his son, well aware of the double entendre in Mulder's words. "I'm not going to bail you out if you get arrested for the commission of lewd acts in public." "Hey I wasn't the one caught on a river bank under a blanket." Fox laughed as a blush spread up his father-in-law's face. Before they could continue the saleswoman showed up with the keys and a license plate. With her was a man that she introduced as the owner of the dealership. He explained, "I always like to meet the customers who are looking at my babies. Most cars take months to restore and I get personally attached to each one. I want to make sure each one finds a good home." They all began talking and by the end of another hour both Fox Mulder and Walter Skinner had bought themselves new cars, well at least new to them. If asked, they would have denied emphatically that the saleswoman had had anything to do with an hours worth of male posturing and egging each other on. She was a real pro. Played them like a Stradavarius. It hadn't taken too much playing however, both had been feeling a tad bit too domesticated. "Would you like to arrange financing through us or do you have a bank you use?" They were all sitting in the show room with the saleswoman, the owner and the business manager. "I'll write you a check." Mulder answered. His boss looked at him in shock. "You aren't still keeping that much money in your checking account are you, Mulder?" "I can't seem to keep ahead of it, Walt. No sooner do I find a good investment and get the balance down than the rental incomes come in or dividend checks or something else and up it goes again. It's a pain in the butt keeping track of all that money." "You need to get yourself an accountant or investment broker to manage your money for you. I've got a good one who I trust, I'll give you his name. He isn't taking any new clients but I think he will take you on as a favor to me. I was one of his first clients when he went out on his own twenty years ago. Now he's the head of a good size investment firm." "Sounds good to me. You want me to write a check for your car as well and you can pay me back when you get financing or cash in some securities." "I've got some bonds which have been called so I should get the money next week." "Great." The two agents were so excited about their new toys that they were oblivious to the effects their conversation was having on the car dealership's personnel. The owner thought to himself. "We'll need to check with your bank, Mr. Mulder, to make sure your checks good. Then you two can pick up your cars and the completed paperwork tomorrow." The business manager was keeping his head, at least. "No problem. I've got to transfer some funds from my savings account to cover the cost of the second car so don't call till after ten or so in the morning." "No problem." "How are we going to get the cars home, Fox? Do you think Dana would drive us over after work..." Both men looked at each other in shock... They thought. "Oh no we've got to tell Mom and Dana..." Walter finished his thought... "They aren't going to be happy about this." Then they started laughing. "You got an X-file we could go on, Mulder? Preferably Alaska." "I was going to ask you if you wanted to loan me to the LA office or maybe San Francisco. I'll even do profiles. One thing's for sure we'd better call Bill and see if he can give us a lift over tomorrow to pick the cars up." "That's for sure, Fox. That's for damn sure." They got up and headed out the door of the dealership each trying to top the other on how dangerous and bazaar the case should be to get them out of telling their wives about their new purchases. The saleswoman smiled to herself, she'd just made enough to pay her grad school tuition for this semester. "Oh, man...." said Chuck looking at the cars. "You two are going to get it... or maybe you aren't going to get it... jeez, when I brought home the Ferrari I didn't get any for a week. Lis was real pissed..." "Oh, so how come she's always driving the Ferrari and you've got the Accura?" asked Fox as they waited to pick up the cars. "Cause that was the only way I could get her to forgive me. She loves the car. She was just mad cause I didn't ask first. You know how women are." He shrugged. "If I'm lucky I get to take it for a spin once in awhile." "Scary thought...." muttered Fox. He had a sudden vision of Dana taking his car keys away from him. That would not make him happy. "Margaret was very understanding," said Walter. "You mean you told her?" asked Fox. "Sure... no problem..." What he didn't add was that he had told her two minutes before he had walked out the door and she hadn't had time to stew about it yet. He didn't know what he would face when he got home. He suspected it was going to cost him dearly. "Brave man...." muttered Chuck. His eyes opened wide as the saleswoman approached and smiled at them. Too bad he didn't need a car. Now this was Charles McNeely's idea of a woman! The men gleefully took their keys and got into their new toys and drove home leaving Chuck behind with a hasty thanks. Hearing Walter outside the apartment door, Meg quickly said goodbye to her younger daughter and hung up the phone. Then she shoved some papers into her large purse and gave her husband a big smile when he walked in the door. "Did you get it, Walter?" she asked him. "No problem," he replied suddenly afraid. She had had time to stew. Something was going through that female mind of hers. There had to be. "Well, come on...." "Come on what?" "Let's go for a ride in it." Margaret linked her arm through his. "We can pretend we are 16 again and that I don't have a belly the size of a volley ball." "Um... yeah... okay..." Walter led her down to the parking garage trying to get into the swing of pretending he was 16 again. Poor Margaret could barely fit into the front of the car, and he was worried. Somehow, her smile wasn't quite working for him this time. Something was amiss. They pulled out of the garage and he was getting ready to head up the BW Parkway and out of DC when she told him to make a left hand turn instead. "Why?" "Because I've got a craving for something, and the store is this way..." "Oh, yeah... can't it wait?" "It's been waiting. I really need it now. Please Walter." He gave in with good grace. She was pregnant after all. Annie had had weird cravings too, and this was the first time she had actually asked him to go out of his way. Power driving could wait a little while. Still, something didn't feel quite right... off center somehow. "Stop here," she ordered. He did as he was bid and realized that the sign in front of his nose said "Real Estate Agent." Suddenly he found himself shaking hands with a familiar face. "I'm glad that we caught you in Mr. Contreras," said Margaret. "It do hope you have a few moments. We are here to make you an offer on the Clark house. My husband just picked up his brand new sports car today, and he has decided that it is time to go ahead since the house has a garage...." Walter slumped into the nearby chair that Mr. Contreras, real estate agent extraordinaire had pointed out. He was a beaten man. That hot little car was going to cost him in ways that he had not yet begun to imagine, he thought zoning out for a moment. "But, Mr. Contreras," Margaret was explaining when he zoned back in, "Don't get the idea that if they turn this offer down, an offer that is more than generous in today's market, that we are going to raise it, because we still have to buy a mini-van before the baby is born." "Where do I sign?" asked Walter in defeat. "Okay, Mom...." said Dana quickly into the phone, "I see your point. I'll keep that in mind He's coming now." A very pregnant Dana Scully watched as her husband pulled into the driveway and stopped in front of the garage. Fox stepped out of the car and looked around almost sheepishly, or perhaps furtively would better describe it. He was scared. Dana plastered a grin on her face and slipping into her jacket went out the back door to greet him. She walked around the convertible silently. Fox looked like the cat that had swallowed the canary... yeah, he knew he was going to get it... but he didn't care. Like her brother had told her once, sometimes it was worth the spanking. Problem was the damned car looked like a canary too... jeez... tacky, tacky... and a convertible in Washington, DC. Jeez... her mom was right... send a boy to a toy store... two boys... "Okay," she said quietly, "Cool... If that's what you wanted... enjoy..." She turned and went back into the house. Fox followed her. Ugh Unh... no way... this was not the reaction he had expected. He went in with her and picked up the dog. Then, suddenly, just as he was beginning to relax, he found himself against the wall with Thing in his arms. Dana was staring up at him with that look that she used on guys like Cancerman... worse yet... the way she had looked at him after the little Detective White debacle. Now this was more of what he had expected. "Okay, what the hell did she look like?" demanded Dana... "No, let me guess... she was tall and brunette... late twenties... busty, with long legs... oh, and a short skirt... yeah... and maybe a business suit that was just a little low cut..." "Uh, what does that have to do with anything?" he inquired nervously. She suddenly ripped the buttons off his shirt... "And I'll just bet that she batted her cat green eyes at you... and suddenly you were 17 years old and as horny as hell and picturing everything in your mind that you would like to do with her in that car...." With a strength that shocked him, she tore his t-shirt... Oh, God... she was going to scratch him to pieces right there in the kitchen with the damn dog in his arms. "Well, a guy can fantasize can't he?" he asked meekly. "And her eyes were blue..." "Yeah, a guy can fantasize...." Quite suddenly she was nipping at his chest... Her mouth was working it's way down his stomach... Oh, God... her hand was reaching for the zipper of his pants... "Uh... Dana... Shorts... uh..." he tried to back away thinking, "Oh, God... suddenly he didn't care anymore if she was getting to be the size of an elephant... the only thing he could see in that car was his wife... the short redheaded one... Oh, God...!" His eyes crossed... his knees buckled... What the hell had happened to that shy inexperienced woman he had married... So much for what she hadn't been able to do with Jack.... Pregnant or not, Dana Scully Mulder took her husband on the ride of his life, and he never left the kitchen. Panting, out of breath, his head spinning, pants down around his knees and not a shred of dignity left, he looked down at his wife. She got up, smiled at him and then she was walking away with his car keys in her hand as nonchalantly as if nothing had just happened. "Where are you going?" he asked weakly trying to salvage some dignity. "For a ride in your sport's car... Never know who you might meet... Women have fantasies too you know..." Keys in hand, she walked out the door... eoow... Scully! Yeah, times had sure changed. He looked down at Wally Wolf who had finished the bottle and was looking for more... kid had the metabolism of the Tasmanian Devil whose picture was currently imprinted on his boxer shorts. Brenda, on the other hand was about half done and fussing because she wanted to spit the bottle out and couldn't. Scully seemed to still be negotiating. "What the hell," he said more to himself than anyone else. He popped Brenda's bottle into Patrick's mouth making both babies happy. So much for sanitary. Then he looked up to see Dana smiling at him. "Now you're learning," she smiled at his practical actions. "Congratulations, Mr. Mulder," oozed the salesman. "You are the proud owner of forest green Dodge Grand Caravan...." "Oh, joy... just what I've always wanted," he muttered. He glanced between his wife and his babies, and suddenly he realized that it was... or, if not the van itself, what it symbolized in his life... family. He decided that he might even forgive his wife for taking forever to negotiate such a good bargain before she took out the checkbook and bought the damned vehicle. Finis The Gossamer Project Author - Title - Date - Spoilers - Crossovers - X-Files - Adventures - Stories - Vignettes Other stories by: Evenstar, Eowyn - Macspooky Please let us know if the site is not working properly. Set story display preferences. Do not archive stories elsewhere without permission from the author(s). See the Gossamer policies for more information.