Title: Wedding Bill Blues Author: Jacquie LaVa Category: MSR, Bill Scully Jr's POV Rating: PG-ish Disclaimers: Not mine, but then I would sure treat them right if they were... Spoilers: Hmmm. Nah... SUMMARY: Wedding bells are about to ring - as Bill Jr. prepares to blow the proverbial gasket... "Wedding Bill Blues" Damn tuxedo - feels like a straitjacket. I hate tuxedos. I've only worn one three times in my life: my senior prom, my brother Charlie's wedding, and my own wedding. Each one was stiff, uncomfortable and made me feel like an idiot (the tuxedo as well as the event). My wedding tux was white. I ask you, white? Jesus. I looked ridiculous standing up there near the altar, waiting for Tara to float down the aisle on her dad's arm. She looked like a dream - but only one of us should have been in white, and it wasn't me. Well, at least this tuxedo is charcoal gray; I can more or less handle that. What I can't seem to handle is the occasion for which this stupid article of clothing is necessary. It's my baby sister's wedding day, and I have to give her away... to someone I hate. As I stand in front of the mirror and struggle with the bow-tie, I fight for enough patience and tolerance to make it through the next few hours without doing bodily harm to somebody. Anybody... hell, if Father McCue himself walked in here right now, I'd punch him out. Yeah, I know I have a rotten temper; my wife tells me so in a regular basis. My mother once called me an asshole. My mother! This is a woman who barely swears at all; would never even think to use such words. And she called me an asshole. In defense of my future brother-in-law, Christ help me... I almost blew a blood vessel. So what if I'd hit him? The bastard deserved that black eye. Because of yet another of his asinine "cases", my sister ended up in some backwoods hospital in Shit-knows-where, Arkansas, with a broken leg and a bad case of poison ivy. I'd flown in to see her; luckily I'd been in port and not out to sea. If I'd been aship, out there for months chewing nails about this latest dumb-ass caper... I would have murdered somebody when I finally made it ashore. So I hit first and asked questions later... so what? I didn't deserve to be called something like that from my own mother, even if I did refuse to apologize after finding out that Dana had gone haring off into the woods by herself. Her worthless partner should have stopped her; because he let her go, as far as I'm concerned he was owed a punch from Big Brother. That's the worst of it; my career prevents me from being there for my family during times of crisis. And before you ask me, yes I feel guilty enough about it without my loving wife and sainted mother reminding me, time and time again. And yes, I know if I put in for land duty I would probably get it. I have enough seniority. I also know I'm needed most, right where I am. So I do the balancing act as best as I can. And I was well-prepared for it; after all I watched my father do that same act for years. He was a hell of a man... and one great father. I could only hope to be one-tenth the husband and father he was. And I always had one wish, for both of my sisters: that they would marry someone as great as Dad. Well, that wish got sucked down the drain, didn't it? One sister gone and the other sister marrying one sorry son-of-a-bitch... a man I still hold responsible for Missy's death, regardless of what the rest of the family thinks. Happy fucking wedding day. I haven't seen Mulder yet this morning, thank God. I am in no mood for this; I've been pissed off for months. Ever since Dana announced she was having his baby. Shit! Another Mulder, loose in the world. And before you yell at me yet again... yes, I will no doubt love the kid. After all, he or she will be my blood; of course I'll love it! I'm not a monster, even if I come off that way sometimes. Years and years in the Navy taught me about discipline, and loyalty to my country and my family. It taught me to always strive to keep safe that which was most important to me; to sacrifice if necessary in order to achieve those goals. I would lay down my life for my country, and for any member of my family. I would also flay alive anyone who threatened what I hold most dear. So damned frustrating... the inability to do any reciprocal damage to the bastards who have taken so much from Dana; from our family. I've seen seven years of this and I'm tired of it. Years ago I told Mulder to leave our family alone; to help keep Dana safe by staying out of her life. All he could do was go on and on about how much he cared for her. I got really sick of hearing him spout off about how he would do anything to take care of her; after awhile I just tuned him out. And I don't care how many times he has saved her life; how many times he's gone after her and rescued her and been there for her; or never given up on her. Yeah, I remember; don't remind me! I know he was the only one willing to do anything to find a cure for her, when the rest of us were ready to call the priest and see her receive her Last Rites. I know this, and I will probably feel shitty over that for the rest of my life. It doesn't change the fact that months ago when she needed him the most, he deserted her, in the worst possible way. This time, he went over the edge and almost dragged her with him. The day Mom called me and told me Dana was expecting... God, I wanted to maim and kill. I couldn't believe what I was hearing; Tara came running as soon as the first string of curses flew out of my mouth. Mom was shouting at me over the phone, trying to get my attention. "Bill, stop! Listen to me... Dana needs us now. Quit pointing fingers and listen. She is going to continue working, and will probably be assigned another partner on a temporary basis, until Fox is found. I am trying to talk her into moving in with me, but she's determined to stay at his apartment..." I didn't let her get any further. Dana, staying in that hole of an apartment, surrounded by all his nut-bird neighbors? No frigging way... "You CAN'T let her stay in that funky place. I've been there once; it's a mess and the neighbors are worthless. You've got to force her to come live with you, Mom. What about her overall health? Can she carry this kid full-term? Her cancer..." Mom's next words brought home to me exactly how long I'd been absent from my sister's life. "Bill, for God's sake! Her cancer has been in remission for years; I told you that! She is healthy and strong, other than a few colds and the normal gunk that everyone gets. She and Fox had a fairly calm year, for a change. Well, for them, I guess. Oh, they don't tell me anything, but I'm not blind; I know some of it. But if you think I can force that child to do anything she doesn't want to do, you're nuts. I understand why Dana feels the need to stay at Fox's place; it's a way to be close to him. I used to do the same thing when I was carrying one of you kids, and your father was aship. For me it was sleeping with some of his clothes, next to me on the pillow. It made me feel safe." I spat out a particularly nasty curse under my breath at the reminder that Mulder was the kid's daddy, and Mom took exception immediately. "Billy, stop it right now! This is Dana's choice; she has always loved Fox, and nothing is going to change that. And he worships her; you have never seen them together; you don't know..." I interrupted her quite rudely, feeling absolutely no remorse for my next words. "Mom, you are full of shit." I ignored her gasp of shock, and blundered on. "He's the worst possible choice for her; I don't give a crap how much he claims to love her. I know better. And if she insists on throwing her life away on the asshole, I suppose I can't stop her... but if I EVER get wind of her putting my future niece or nephew in danger... I'll make her sorry for ever taking up with that worthless idiot." There was a long silence on Mom's end of the line, and then I heard her take a deep breath. And what she replied to me hurt, a lot. At the time I never considered that I may have deserved it. "Bill Scully, if you EVER say such things to me again I will disown you. Got that? You will no longer be my son. I am warning you - stay out of Dana's business. Love her and accept her because she is your sister, but afford her the courtesy of letting her live her own life, the same as she extends that honor to you. Remember this: you are gone a lot; you have missed a great deal of what goes on in this family. Like your father, you have been absent for momentous family events. I don't condemn you for it, and neither does Tara, though I know it has been hard on her. But hear this, and heed it well: the Scully women stick together. We are no strangers to our men's frequent absences. And this is just another duty aship for Mulder, as far as Dana is concerned. He will be back. And when he returns you will treat him right or so help me I will make YOU sorry." A sharp !click! in my ear was the last I heard of Mom, for weeks. Of course, I had to call her back and apologize. As I said, I'm not a monster. And I love my mother; God I idolize her! She is everything to me; the best mom anyone could ever have. Sometimes I would compare my family life to Mulder's, and actually find it in my heart to feel sorry for the bastard. After all, his parents were screwed up, to put it mildly. I felt bad for him... but that doesn't mean I want him horning in on MY family! Jesus, to have to hear him call my mother 'Mom' - I think I'd shoot myself. Man, I hope it doesn't come to that! Anything but that... After twisting the blasted bow-tie every which way but off, I finally get the damn thing straight. I step back and check it out; not too badly wrinkled. Whomever's bright idea it was, to have hand- tied bow-ties... remind me to injure them, enough that they hurt but don't bleed. Who the hell invented these torture-devices? If God had wanted men to wear hand-tied bow-ties He would have never given life to the guy who invented the clip-on jobs. As I stand there grousing about it, I can hear my father's deep voice in my ear, trying so hard not to laugh at me; and I am back at my own wedding day, standing in front of the big, ornate mirror in my folk's spare room, fighting with a white bow-tie and cursing out loud. My dad came up beside me and pushed my hands away and knotted the tie himself, speaking to me in his no-nonsense way - calming me. "Left over first, Son - like this." He made it look so easy, as he tied and fluffed and I stood there sweating and nervous, feeling like a large white whale. He finished and stepped back, looking at me with a father's critical eye. He looked great in his dress mess; I wished so badly at that moment that I had one of my own to wear! But I had just sworn in, a week ago; hadn't even gone to Basic yet. I wouldn't be issued dress mess for a long time. I had to get through OTS first, and I was also very nervous about that. And Dad knew... "I'm proud of you, Bill. Even wearing a silly white tuxedo you look like a man. Guess I'll never understand what makes women swoon over a thing like this, but it's best to humor them, you know? This is their day. You're getting yourself quite a girl; you know that, I'm sure. And you'll take good care of her; I know that, too. Never said much about it, how proud I am of your choice to go into OTS. Not an easy decision, Son - but I know you won't regret it. Oh, it's a hard road to walk, don't believe otherwise - it's hard. But you've got it; the Scully Spine - you'll do very well. Just remember your family comes first, always. Never forget that, Billy - family first." My dad - how I loved him, needed his approval at that moment. He hugged me, hard. And I hugged back - and thanked him in a shaky voice for fixing my bow-tie for me - and he laughed off my thanks and shook my hand the way one man would do for another, and that's what brought it home to me more than anything else that I was suddenly on equal terms with my dad. I was going to be a family man, just like him. A family man... that's all I ever wanted to be. Taking care of my family; protecting them, loving them. Blessed with two beautiful sisters; as different as night and day, but I love them so. Missy's been gone now several years, but I love her. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and not a day passes that I don't in some way blame Fox Mulder for her death. I know better, but I can't seem to stop myself. Now that Dad's gone, more than ever I feel the need to take care of the women in my life. But I'll tell you - trying to take care of Dana has been a bitch. She won't let me in; I can't figure it out. I mean, she's always gone her own way, but lately it's been impossible. Of course, I really put my foot in it, first time I called her months ago when I found out about the baby; but Jesus! I had my reasons to be worried... and our conversation had not gone well. "I think you should come and stay with Tara and me, until the baby's born, Dana." "Thanks, Bill - I appreciate that, but I don't think so. I'm staying in DC - I have to be here for the investigation." "What investigation?" "I'm heading up the inquiry into Mulder's disappearance; it's the only way to find him. I've been assigned a work force to help me; and a temporary partner, although I don't need... what was that, Bill? You're mumbling." "Oh hell... I said I don't know why you want to find the jerk, okay? Jesus, Dana! Look what you've gone through because of him! How many times have we had to light a candle and pray for your eternal soul? How many times have we stood over your comatose body in some hospital? All because of him! When is it gonna be enough, huh? He's gone; let him stay gone! He's where he wants to be, isn't he? If the rumors are to be believed, he's out in space somewhere, flying around with his little alien buddies!" "I'm going to try very hard to not reach through the phone lines and strangle the shit out of you, Bill - because I know your heart is more or less in the right place. But what I feel for Mulder; what I have with him, is NONE OF YOUR CONCERN. I never asked for advice from you, or anyone else. I have been yanking on my own goddamned pantyhose one leg at a time for a lot of years now. My life is my own; my career and my love life also mine to build or destroy as I see fit. I am in love with the father of my baby. Puke all you want, but that's the way it is. If you want to 'help', as you so nicely put it; if you really want to do me some good, then why don't you just keep your mouth shut? And if you want to light a few candles, I would suggest you high-tail it over to the nearest cathedral and do so, in Mulder's name. Which is just what I am going to do, right now. And I'm taking Mom with me." The !click! in my ear was especially loud. Yes I'm a moron; I think we have already established that. But dammit, I had to try! She's the only sister I have left. I had to try. Of course, I called back a few weeks later and apologized; I seemed to be doing that a lot, with the women I love. Hell, I practice those words regularly on Tara! She doesn't give me any slack; never has. And after I alienated both my mother and my sister, she let me have it up both sides and down the center. "Billy, you are a prime asshole and if you don't call Mom and Dana back immediately and say you're sorry I swear I'm leaving you. As a matter of fact, I am so pissed off right now that I think it would be best if I leave for a while. I'm taking the kids. I'll see you later." And she turned on her heel and gathered up MY children and walked out. By the time I unfroze enough from the shock of watching my family walk out the door, and ran after her... she was gone. Granted, she was only gone for two hours... but I died about ten times during those hours, thinking she was never coming back. So, I got on the phone to both my beloved women, and I apologized. Now I stand in front of a mirror and comb my hair one last time, and look at my watch. In just under thirty minutes I will be walking my sister down the aisle, to her future; the most uncertain future I have ever seen. Marriage to Fox Mulder... God, I never thought I would EVER have to see the day. I used to have nightmares about this, I really did. I can't believe the things I have to be subjected to, just to keep the peace in my family. Surely no other man had to sacrifice so much... then a tiny voice from the past echoes in my ear: "You're not good enough for her, Asshole... not nearly good enough." The voice growled those words at me just a few minutes before we walked out of the side vestry, on our way to the altar. I looked back at my soon-to-be-brother-in-law Mark, Tara's oldest brother... and at her insistence, one of my groomsmen. He glared at me, this favorite brother of my bride-to-be; I had been trying to win this guy over for months. And for months he had cut me absolutely no slack. And here it was my wedding day, and I was nervous and sick to my stomach, thanks to my bachelor party of the night before - and tired of trying to prove myself. Mark had walked in on a little necking session, between me and his sister, just a week before the wedding. It wasn't even that bad; I had gotten her blouse off but she was still wearing her bra. But Mark came unglued, and only Tara flinging herself in front of me had kept him from punching my lights out. The funny thing was that Tara and I hadn't even done it yet - when she walked down that aisle she was completely deserving of that gorgeous pure white gown. But Mark never believed me. He thought I was worthless, and it took months for him to accept me as being good enough for his sister. Worthless... Just the same way I feel about Mulder. Hmmm. I never thought about it that way before... oh, but the situation is so different! I never placed Tara's life in danger, never! It's just not the same, dammit! I can't accept that it's the same... that would make me as close- minded as my brother-in-law, and I'm a hell of a lot more reasonable than that guy. Aren't I? My mother just paid us a visit, to pin on our boutonnieres. By us, I mean Charlie and Mr. Skinner, and John Byers and me. Funny how I can't seem to think of Dana's boss as anything more casual than a 'Mister'. He asked me to call him Walter; and I just can't. I have a lot of respect for the man; anyone who can keep some sort of leash on Fox Mulder has my undying gratitude. We had a short talk earlier this morning; he listened to my worries concerning the wedding, my sister's choice of a husband; my worries concerning the general health of the baby, my sister's choice of a husband... (yes, I was repeating myself) and then he tried very hard to tell me what a great guy Fox Mulder was. "Bill, Mulder is the genuine article. He's compulsive and driven and passionate about his work - but he also applies all of those qualities to loving your sister. I know you think the bulk of anguish that has befallen your family is Mulder's fault. I can see how you could see it that way. But you're wrong. Nobody twisted your sister's arm, to stay his partner. Especially Mulder. He did everything he could think of to get her to quit him; he found some very nefarious ways to push her away, thinking he was doing the best for her and her safety. But she wouldn't go. She's an adult woman, Bill - a hell of a woman. My respect and admiration for her knows no bounds - including my respect for her judgment. She loves Mulder - and he lives and breathes her. That's the whole of it - that's all there is." Skinner had stood up and slapped me on the back; left to get into his tuxedo. Left me with a headache pinching at my temples and a sudden need for a whole bottle of anything alcoholic. I managed to get dressed and mangle my bow-tie and not snap at Mom when she came in to pin on the stupid flower. Sterling roses; Jesus God Fred. Talk about sissy-fied... men wearing lavender. I know it's Dana's favorite flower, but the least she could have done was let us have a white carnation, or something. Yes, I'm bitching. I just caught a look at my watch, and I only have twenty minutes to reconcile myself to this wedding. Twenty minutes to figure out a way to act semi-happy. Twenty minutes to talk Dana out of it... I am out the door and down the hall lickety-split... headed toward the dressing room where Dana and her bridesmaids are finishing up. Tara answers the door at my insistent knock; I look her up and down, thinking about how pretty she is in that pale pink gown. Her face is shocked, to say the least, and she won't let me in. "Go away, Bill! We're not ready! We have twenty minutes, and it's going to take every one of those minutes to get the last of the wrinkles out of all this tulle..." She points to the fluffy skirt of her dress; layers and layers of the stuff. It's pretty - nothing like Dana's gown, of course; but very pretty. I smile at my lovely wife, cajolingly. "Come on, Sweetheart; I have to see Dana! I have a little wedding gift for her; something I want her to wear. You know, 'something old', something blue'..." Tara snorts in utter disbelief. Sometimes it's a real bitch to have a wife who knows you so well. Not to mention a mother... for Mom has come to the door while I've been wooing my wife, and her face is anything but pleased. I try a wide smile on for size and direct it at Mom, fairly oozing compliments. "Hi Mom, don't you look stunning in that dress - what a great shade of lavender..." She interrupts me in mid-ooze. "Can it, Billy; I know what you personally think of this color! You had the most sour look on your face while I was pinning on your flowers - I figured it had to be more than constipation. And I know what you want; don't even think of lying to me! You want to talk your sister out of the wedding, twenty minutes before you have to walk her down the aisle! Have you no shame at all? I truly thought you'd learned, over these last few months..." I try to interrupt, but she's doing the famed 'Mom-Rant' and there's no stopping her - until Dana herself comes to the door. She lays a hand on Mom's arm, and speaks low to her. "It's all right, Mom - I'll talk to him. I'll be right back, okay?" She smiles at Tara and Mom and opens the door further, slipping out and standing there meekly, as if I am going to slap the handcuffs on her and drag her off, away from danger. Which is exactly what I wish I could do. Her foot taps with impatience as she waits for me to stop dithering, one hand on the closed doorknob. "Well, Bill? What is it? You didn't drag me out here to admire my gown or hand me something old, blue or borrowed... so what is it?" I take a moment to look at her; look at my beautiful baby sister... dressed in pale chiffon; it swirls all around her, making her red hair look twice as bright and her eyes three times bluer. Even the fact that she is almost seven months pregnant can't dim her radiance. And I feel like a total shit, doing this to her on her wedding day. But I have got to try. "Dana, please - don't do this. Don't marry him! You can just walk away, right now. Tara and I will take care of you and the baby; you can find something at the Naval hospital; maybe Bethesda; you can practice again; do research! He won't stick around, Dana; you've got to know that. He'll take off again; the same way he's always done! You can't depend on him! And you know you can do better. You can..." And she interrupts me, bluntly. "I can raise my baby without a father, and live without a husband! I can try explaining to my child why Mommy ran out on Daddy fifteen minutes before the ceremony! I can tell the police why I murdered my brother on my wedding day..." Her little left hand comes up and makes a fist, the one and a half carat diamond solitaire on her finger suddenly a lethal weapon. She raises that little fist and holds it between us at face-level; the rock on her finger winking into my shock-widened eyes. Suddenly I am not so sure I did the right thing by coming to Dana and trying to reason with her... and I hear her very controlled, very low voice coming at me. "For the last time, Bill - I AM GETTING MARRIED TO MULDER. In twelve minutes you will walk me down the aisle of St. John's, and I am going to raise my head up very high and say the vows very loudly, and mean every single one of them. I am going to stand next to a man for whom I would gladly maim, kill and mutilate; a man for whom I would die - and I am going to pledge myself to him forever. And then we are going to walk down that aisle and out into the sunshine and people will blow bubbles at us and everyone will wish us well, Bill - including you. For I swear to you now: if you make Mulder feel any less than completely welcome to join our family on this our wedding day, I will personally hunt you down." She takes a deep breath; I am in shock from the virulence of her words. I can't believe my sister is saying this to me! And I open my mouth to protest... yes, yes, YES! All together now... BILL IS STUPID! Dana doesn't even let me breathe in, though - and she still has her fist steady between us. "Don't even think of speaking to me at this moment. I am NOT kidding around. I have had enough of it; enough of the phone calls and the sniping and the rotten attitude. Did you think I would put up with it forever? You ignored three family dinners; Mulder felt miserable, as if it was all his fault that you wouldn't come near Mom's house, when you were obviously in town with Tara and the kids. You skip out on the rehearsal dinner; blatantly refuse to attend the bachelor party that Skinner and Charlie worked so hard to put together... No more! It ends, today; this very minute. This is my life. And I will live it as I see fit. And you will let me live it as I see fit - or you will never see me again. So help me God, Bill - I love you dearly; you are my brother. But Mulder is my life. That's it." She reaches up and presses a soft kiss on my cheek, then opens the door and slips inside. And I am left standing there, counting down the minutes. Seven, to be precise. Shit. The church is packed; I had forgotten how many friends we Scullys have. Between Charlie's pals, and Mom's Garden Club ladies; all the people Dana works with at the FBI... the place is full. I stand next to my sister and she lays a steady hand on my arm. She holds a huge arrangement of those sissy-looking sterling roses. Well, against her dress they do look pretty. The bridesmaids are in place, all wearing pale pink, just like Tara. They also look pretty... but I believe Dana and Tara have them beat. I can hear the music starting, and the ladies begin moving, stately and slow, graceful as willow branches waving in the breeze. Tara moves close to Dana and presses a soft kiss on her mouth; my wife never kisses anyone on the cheek. I hear her whisper, "Love you, Sissy," her private nickname for Dana; and Dana echoes it back to her. She then brushes my mouth with a kiss equally soft - except I get a bit of tongue with it. Then she's off, down the aisle... and we are up next. The music swells, and that's our cue. We walk, slowly. Dana's steps are sure and measured. I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, trying not to trip. I'm nervous; why am I nervous? Nothing that momentous is happening... I'm just walking my baby sister down the aisle, seven months' pregnant - to give her over to be joined in Holy Matrimony to a man who just returned from a five- month trek around the galaxy with Mork the Reticulan and his band of Merry UFO-mongers! Nothing more odd than that... Giving her to someone whose sanity has, in my opinion, always been in question; giving her to someone who doesn't know the first thing about familial responsibility! Just because he found his way back to Dana after months of touring the Milky Way, doesn't mean shit-squat to me. He willingly got on that damn ship, or flying hub-cap, whatever the hell it was. Dana said it was to protect her, so they wouldn't take her. Right. God help me, they both truly believe all this shit - maybe she's as looped as he is. Maybe they deserve each other... and maybe I'm the true asshole, for not stopping this, really stopping this years ago. Well, it's too late now - because we have reached the spot where I have to let go of her; let her place her hand in the hand of the man who will have ultimate control over her future. I look at Mulder, who has stepped down to receive his 'prize'; the expression on his face is one of awe. Well, I can accept that; Dana does look damned awesome. But, moron that I am, I can't help giving it one more try; in the tiny second or two before I have to let her go, I bend down into her face, and I whisper to her, "Dana, please... say no..." And her lightning-fast whispered retort says it all. "Bag it, Bro..." And she turns and places her hand in Mulder's, and I have no choice but to sit down next to Mom. Who glares at me. I can't win today, can I? I can't seem to sit still. Mom puts a restraining hand on my tensed- up arm more than once. The flowers and the soft organ music playing while Dana and Mulder kneel and receive the initial benediction... I hate it. I hate it, but it reminds me of my own wedding, because we had it in a church very much like this one. And I was a nervous wreck - and surprisingly, so is Mulder. Mr. Cool FBI-man himself, nervous. Even from here I can see how shaky he is. Father McCue finishes the benediction and they rise, and face each other. Their profiles are very off-balance; Dana's wearing flat shoes, which I know she abhors - but her doctor forbade her to wear anything higher than a sneaker, so... at least she's obeying him... obeying one of the men in her life when he tells her what to do. She sure isn't willing to obey me... I can see the way Mulder leans into her, bending his head enough that she doesn't have to put strain on her neck by arching back. I never noticed that before; but then I haven't spent any time around them when they're together. At least this is what Mom likes to toss up in my face, as soon as I begin griping about Mulder. "Billy, you've never seen them together, you don't know..." Well, I'm spending plenty of time around them right at the moment! And I can see it; can see the way he looks at her. It's not so much awe, as I thought I'd seen before - as it is pure amazement. And much as I dislike to think about it, that look is very similar to one I used to see in my Dad's face when Mom would slowly descend the stairs, all dressed up for some military function; he'd stand at the foot of the stairs and watch her, and his entire heart would be there in his eyes. And Mom would blush. I look closely at my sister's face, and there it is; the pink cheeks. I know it's not make-up; I can see her tiny mole, the one she always tries to cover up. The look on Mulder's face is making her blush - and at that moment she looks so much like Mom that I find myself clenching my hands upon my knobby tuxedoed knees. I can't look away from the feeling, almost tangible, between them. Neither can anyone else, it would seem - because it's as if everyone in the church is holding their breath. Mulder opens his mouth; and I think I've missed the vows because I was so intently focused on Dana. Then I realize they wrote their own vows... I have a feeling this is going to really bother me. And it's not like I can get up and leave - Mom has hold of one hand, and my son Matty has the other. I sigh and settle back in the uncomfortable pew, prepared for the worst. "... I can't find words powerful enough to tell you how much I love you... can't invent a phrase perfect enough to express my humility at the knowledge that you chose me... will never be able to convey the depth of my heart. I can only tell you that I will cherish you from this moment in our beginning minutes, until the final seconds of our dwindling hours... because you give me a reason to believe." The words are spoken in deep, raspy tones; even I can hear the raw emotion of them. And my sister stands holding Mulder's hands, and the tears slip down her pink cheeks and drip onto his wrists. Beside me, Mom is sobbing and smiling. In front of and to my left, Tara cries unashamedly. And I am fighting so very hard to remain immune. So hard, dammit! So hard... And Dana holds Mulder's gaze, and her lips part to speak. "... You told me once to believe in extreme possibilities. One of them is cradled between us at this very moment, and she's very happy. I can tell... I can feel it. If I never breathe another breath in my life, at least I'll know how much we are loved, this tiny child and me. You never had to say a word, because all the bounty of your devotion has always been right there in your eyes, for me to see. I am doubly blessed, though - because you are most generous with your words; as generous as you are with the heart you gave to me, so long ago. And I finally feel worthy enough to accept both gifts - and I will never let them go." Words trembled out through the widest smile I have ever seen my sister convey to anyone - aimed straight at Mulder. And if his vows caused a waterfall of sobbing, her vows free up Niagara Falls. I'd roll my eyes in masculine disgust, but I can't seem to focus very clearly. Must have gotten something in one of them... The rest of the ceremony passes in a sort of blur, as the traditional marriage promises are exchanged, along with the rings. Throughout the entire ritual, Dana and Mulder have never broken eye contact. At one point when Father McCue delved into a lengthy harangue about Adam and Eve, I saw Mulder release one of her hands, and lay his on her chiffon-covered stomach; and they shared the sort of smile that made my goofy grins seem just that... goofy. I found myself actually looking away, unwilling to trespass on such an intimate moment. As if an intimate moment could actually occur in a Catholic church during a wedding High Mass... I wind an arm around my mother's shoulders and pull her close, letting her cry on my shoulder; I don't give Matty grief for sucking his thumb. And I sit quietly through the rest of the ceremony; I forget to fidget and I forget to not listen. Most of all, I forget to not watch. I wonder what that means? >From far away, I hear Father McCue pronounce them man and wife. I was sitting here, thinking. Remembering how proud I was when Father Benito, the base Chaplain, said those same words to me; looking down into Tara's beautiful face and hungry to see her without the filmy veil - knowing I could kiss her. Planning to lay the biggest tongue- lock on her in the history of weddings, just to piss off her brother Mark. I leaned in, ready to let one rip - and she smiled up at me so sweetly, and whispered, "Billy I love you so -" and I fell apart; lost it, lost the plan. I placed the most chaste, most reverent, most worshipful kiss on her lips... and as I look up and focus on the newly-married couple, I see it again. I see myself through Mulder, see the same reverent look; the same deep abiding love, plain as day on his face. And I realize that Mom was right; I had never seen them together, ever. Not in any sort of normal situation. I had seen them stressed, angry because of something I said or did - I had seen Mulder anguished and worn out from worry, outside a hospital room where my sister lay with tubes and other various attachments connected, beeping, blinking - inhaling for her, beating for her. I had seen Dana lying on that bed, awake enough to know her family had called for Last Rites; maybe she pleaded silently for us to believe, just a little bit longer. Maybe we were all so busy preparing ourselves for her death that we never saw her willingness to fight for life - a life with Mulder. I had seen all of this, but I had never seen the love. Not until now. Now it blinds me, slaps me right across the cranium, as Mulder takes Dana's face in his hands and cradles it gently; as he bends in all the way, so that she doesn't have to do any more than just accept. Her eyes flicker shut, as their lips touch - and cling, and move softly. I have never seen so much emotion poured into just one kiss. And I am fighting so hard the feeling that I have been humbled, by them both - but I can't deny what I am seeing. And I fight to stay angry; stay hostile... but I can feel that draining away as well. But strangely, I don't feel empty. How odd is that? I am so locked into the revelation of what I saw, that I almost don't feel Mom tugging at my arm, or hear her whispered, "Billy, come ON! It's time to go, Son..." I look down into her face, and think how pretty she is. When she blushes and murmurs, "Why thanks, Sweetheart," I realize I had spoken the words aloud. I probably have a very goofy grin on my face, but it's a moot point by now - I have already been labeled a sissy. I can see it in the wink I get from Charlie, as he breezes by with a bridesmaid on his arm. Oh great - my little brother thinks I'm a girly-man. I can't understand why, until Mom reaches up and wipes at my damp face. Tears? Me? Oh, just ducky, Billy-Boy - way to go... The receiving line isn't long, but it takes us several minutes of jockeying around all the boisterous well-wishers before we can take our place within, and begin to shake hands. It's been a long time since I have seen some of the folks, and I find myself actually having a good time, as I shake hands and kiss cheeks and joke around, smiling until I feel my face is going to fall off. I get jostled a little, and fight to keep my feet; when I stop moving around, I find myself next to my new brother-in-law. And we look at each other; the first time we have been near each other in months. My fault, and I accept the blame for it - for the family dinners I refused to attend, the wedding rehearsal I conveniently forgot; the bachelor's party I wouldn't go to - I accept the blame. I don't know what to say to him - to Fox Mulder, my sister's choice. He stares unsmilingly into my eyes; funny, but I never noticed that we are the same exact height. I stare just as unsmilingly; quite a little showdown we are having in the receiving line of his wedding - and then Mulder's mouth curves up at one corner, just a little; his eyes soften and crinkle - and he is smiling at me. No animosity; no superior attitude - just a smile. And he speaks just four words to me, but he may as well have lectured me for hours on end, for the tone in his voice and the simple complexity of his words hit me hard: "Bill... I love her." And I find myself nodding; the very sketchy beginning of a smile forming my lips into an agreement, a two-word agreement which doesn't mend the hole in the fence - but offers the chance to go buy the lumber and nails: "I know." end