Dana vs. Bill (1/1) by Livia Balaban (liviabalaban@hotmail.com) Rating: PG-13 (for language) Classification: V, A Content: MSR, Fraternal Showdown Feedback: Hell, yeah. It's like oxygen. Summary: Scully has made some decisions, including the order in which she'll elucidate, and confronts Brother Bill with all of it. Notes: Thanks in heaping quantities to my three beta readers, Cool Sarah, the Divine Ms. Ripley, and the Talented T Bishop. More notes at the bottom. Dana vs. Bill by Livia Balaban "Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?" "No, it isn't, and there's no need for that kind of language." "I'M the one you tell first? What, you need me for some kind of warm-up? Is that sorry sonofabitch so fucking pathetic that you need to practice on me first?" "No, Bill. Actually, now that I've made up my mind, telling him will be the easy part. I knew that Mom and Charlie would be happy about it too. That left you and your irrational resentment. So I decided to buckle down and tackle the biggest obstacle first. Considering what I expected from you by way of reaction, it's actually the bravest thing I've done in a long time." "You're out of your goddamned mind." "Let's try to keep this conversation rational, shall we?" "Okay, here's rational for you. He's a broken-down, self-involved, whining, manipulative asshole who doesn't deserve to even KNOW you. How's that for fucking rational?" "No, Bill, that's judgmental. And I have had it with your smug, glib assessments of a man you haven't even given yourself a chance to know. HERE'S rational, Bill: "Your sister is in love with an exceptionally complicated man who endured a horror of a childhood. He worked purposefully for years, building skills and a professional reputation, striving only to discover the truth, regardless of the cost, but found himself nevertheless professionally degraded and personally tormented by those who consider the knowledge of the truth a privilege, not a right. "You can call his quest foolhardy, but what you don't seem to understand is that I share that quest with him. I respect it and believe in it. Truth is, despite your opinion to the contrary, a universal invariant." "Dana, that's absolute bullshit. It's your way of justifying your own professional decline. Your career is in the dumper because of him. He's completely disreputable, even within the bureau. Why do you continue to defend him, even at the cost of your career and your life? What's so fucking special about him?" "Would you please calm down? Thank you. Look, I recognized early in my partnership and friendship with Mulder that he has endured more than any other person I know, including me, but he never gives up. His tenacity and dedication to uncovering the truth never wavers, despite what's happened to him or me. I really mean this, Bill - my brushes with death were more traumatic for him than for me. And this was not due to some random defect in his character. It was due to his absolute devotion to me. I've finally given myself permission to recognize this, and it fills me with clarity and happiness. "You see a man broken by circumstance, but you have no idea what is inside him. If you'd let him in, you might discover even a portion of his beauty." "Just because he has looks, Dana, it doesn't mean he has a soul." "Yes, all right, he's handsome, but that isn't what ties me to him. That isn't what I admire most about him. He's had such a horrible life, Bill, but despite abduction, torture, the loss of every single person he loved, and sights which would give YOU nightmares for the rest of your natural life, he has managed to maintain a playful humor, a hunger for knowledge, and a passion for justice. Not vengeance, which most men would seek, but true and honorable justice. "I've seen how he gets when we investigate an abduction or murder of a little girl, and you should see him, Bill, the way he speaks with the siblings and parents. He is the single most compassionate, sensitive person I know. Okay, he can be self-pitying sometimes, okay he tells puerile jokes, but those are quirks, Bill, not personality defects. "He has faced literally the prospect of human extinction and carried on in his work and his devotion to me, despite the obstacles THEY put in his path. When his snowcat broke down, he WALKED across Antarctic tundra to find and rescue me. Do you know what they had done to me there? Do you want to know?" "No. I don't want to know." "Damn straight, you don't want to know, because you can't handle it, buddy. Mulder did, however, and he risked everything, including his own life, to find me. "What's your point, Dana?" "That there are two things in his life: The truth, and me. The FBI doesn't even register. Get it? "And although my life is richer than his, although I have more to live for - my family and the Bureau, which I do respect - he is my primary concern. He is always my first loyalty. "And when we walked out of a bar in El Paso five days ago, the only survivors of a horrific shootout, I discovered a shift, a change in my perceptions. It didn't happen as a result of an earth-shattering experience. It was a simple, random event that provided the realization for me, that I needed him with me for the rest of my life. I won't bore you with the romantic details of my revelation, so you're just going to have to believe me that I finally came to my senses. "I've wasted more than six years behind the wall I erected to protect myself from intrusion, from becoming soft and ineffective, but that was foolishness. Because I realized last week in Texas that I only feel content and safe when he's with me, when I can look into his eyes and see that I'm a piece of his Truth. "Take this however you want, Bill, but tonight I'm going to knock on his door and look into his eyes and tell him I love him. I wanted you to be the first to know, because I want you to have time to get used to the idea." "Don't give me that, Dana. You're warming up, practicing on me. You're scared shitless to tell him because you don't know how he's going to react." "...I...you're right. He's done nothing but demonstrate his love for me in countless little ways, but you're right, I don't know how he's going to respond. Knowing what I do about him, and feeling this strongly about him, I will make the assumption that he will accept my admission and reciprocate. And if he doesn't, I am prepared to push the issue to a resolution. He's fought for me so many times, Bill - - it's time I fought for him." "So *that's* what this is about? Fighting for your man?" "No, I didn't mean it that way." "Like hell you didn't. Admit it, Dana, you need to fight me so you can feel strong enough to face him. You want to go over there flush with victory." "No, that's not it. Stop twisting my words. What I'd have to fight is *his* fear, all right? Yes, he's afraid of harming me, or seeing me come to harm because of him. His fear of failing me." "And how is that inconsistent with what I've said all along? I told you he's poison. Why are you the only person who doesn't see that?" "And why can't you see that Mulder hasn't harmed me? That he isn't responsible for my pain? The bastards who abducted me, mutilated me, beat and battered both of us, *they're* the responsible parties. Mulder and I are fighting a war - together. We're fighting a terrifying battle, but we both understand what we've sacrificed and what the stakes are. And that the enemy will do whatever it takes to stop us. "This is not Mulder's fault. Or mine. It's because of THEM, the nameless, faceless, powerful THEM who really control the authority and information. The horrible things that have happened to us are because we have chosen to fight, to put faces and names to these traitors. We are doing the right thing. You're in the service, Bill, don't you feel the same loyalty to your country, to your species?" "So is the good fight worth what you've lost, Dana? What we've all lost? Did you give Missy a choice in this war of yours?" "It's the single most significant fight of my life. And I will not give up, if for no other reason than to ensure that Melissa's death was anything BUT meaningless." "Melissa's death WAS meaningless." "No, it was senseless. So rather than throwing up my hands in futility, I have redoubled my effort. Our weapon is justice, Bill. Justice is what we can wield to win this war. Justice for Melissa by finding them and naming them publicly. Justice by eradicating their threat to all of us. Justice by refusing to allow them to play with my life and make my decisions for me. They want to use me against Mulder, and I simply won't let them do it. "Mulder made it clear to me nearly a year ago that my departure would cause him more pain than anything THEY could do to us. And now I understand the full meaning of his words. And I am going to take action. "I didn't come here to pick a fight. I didn't come to do anything other than make my feelings clear to you. This is actually very simple. I want to commit myself, my life to him, and hear him commit himself to me. And when that is accomplished, I want to feel the joy of that decision. I want to glow when I tell Mom and Charlie and Tara...and you. But I knew how resistant you'd be." "And you don't want your asshole brother to ruin the moment by pummeling loverboy to a pulp in our mother's house? How insensitive do you think I am? Do you really think I'd do anything that childish?" "No, Bill, I don't. I don't think you're insensitive or childish. I know you have my well-being in mind. I just want to know that when I finally take some action to bring some happiness to my life, that I won't have to waste a single moment of that joy rationalizing or explaining my decision to you." "So you're doing this now, so I won't break your buzz." "...Look, if you want to see me remain miserable, Bill, just say the word. If you don't want me to enjoy getting up in the morning, smiling, finally being a participant in my life rather than being an observer, you just tell me. Tell me you want me to remain unhappy. "Because in the end, the only thing now that will give me the happiness I deserve is Mulder. "Now, Bill, what I want to hear from you is very, very simple. I want to hear you say, 'Dana, I'm sorry I overreacted to Mulder's effect on your life. I will make him welcome into our family.'" "Dana, I can't..." "'Dana, I'm sorry I overreacted to Mulder's effect on your life...'" "Stop it, Dana, I can't do it." "Say it or lose me. I mean it. I will not have a civil word for you while there is breath in my body if you pull away from me over this. I'm your sister, and I love you. This will work out. You don't have to like him, Bill, but you do have to show him respect and courtesy. I've made my decision." "Dana, what you're asking for..." "I'm telling you that it's now your turn to make a decision: Between your pride and your sister." "This is unfair." "Tell me about it." "You want to tear this family apart over a man?" "No, Bill, I don't. I want to have my family and Mulder. If you treat Mulder badly, or if you withdraw your feelings from me, then *you* will be responsible for breaking up the family. You're my brother, and I'll never abandon you because of the choices you make. What I'm asking is for you to extend to me the same respect." "All right, all right. This has disaster written all over it, but I'll do what I can." "I'm sorry, Bill, but that's not good enough. There is only one thing I will accept from you." "Jesus...okay, okay. Dana...I'm sorry I overreacted to Mulder's effect on your life. I will not like him, but I will be respectful and courteous. I will try to make him feel welcome in our family. But I'm not making any guarantees." "I understand. Thank you, Bill." "Yeah." "I mean it, Bill. Thank you. I know how hard that was. I love you very much." "I love you, too, Dana." "I have to go." "Okay. Listen, do me a favor?" "What?" "Tell him he's the luckiest sorry sonofabitch alive." ===== End. *********** Author's Notes: There was much consternation and gnashing of teeth over two aspects of this story when it hit beta. 1. Bill Scully should be more of an asshole/less of an asshole 2. Scully would tell Mulder first. I'll address both concerns in order. 1. I agree that it's fun to paint brother Bill as a raving, insensitive asshole, but that just doesn't fly for me. I agree he resents and dislikes Mulder enormously, and will do what he can to dissuade his sister from having deeper involvement with him. But what I can't see is his willingness to destroy their remaining family because of one "sorry sonofabitch". To that end, I've given him some strong arguments. However, sis knows what she wants, and in the end, she's family, and he recognizes he has to give in. 2. Scully would likely tell Mulder first under most circumstances. But in this scenario, I've implanted a little seed of respect for her own happiness. I wanted her to treat happiness as if it was a living, breathing organism, one that needed respect and space in order to flourish. I think she does protest a bit too much, and yes, she does want to go to Mulder "flush with victory" as Bill pointed out, but she is still lucid enough to realize that she doesn't want to break her happiness buzz once it starts. Bill's right about that too, although Dana doesn't completely acknowledge it. In the end, this piece was really about (to me) a chance for Scully to get her opinion of and feelings for Mulder out in the open. She respects him enormously, we all know that, but I wanted to get into the "why" of it. To me, it comes down to four essential qualities: a) His seemingly bottomless compassion b) His ability to recover from devastating loss c) His devotion to justice d) His devotion to her So much current fanfic portrays Mulder as a 2-dimensional sketch: Porno Boy, Whiner Boy, Mope Boy, Angst Boy, or Love God. I think this is a mistake. He is an exceptionally complicated character, and many of us forget that, in the rush to demonstrate Scully's strength/fear/ professionalism, or whatever. He's neither a slut nor a moron. More than anything, although I liked the idea of the sibling confrontation of this piece, it became clear as I wrote that it was a love affair with Mulder - the Mulder many of us have forsaken for the sake of developing other characters or storylines. I wanted to make it absolutely clear why a seasoned and brilliant professional like Scully would give up everything for him. She's no doormat. It's because of his virtues. He's a true hero - a flawed hero, but a hero nonetheless. Okay, enough notes. If you have any ideas or concerns to add, I'd love to hear them. What can I say - I'm a writer, and we're all feedback whores. - LB